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#F--kFirst

Discussion in 'Tilted Life and Sexuality' started by snowy, Nov 7, 2014.

  1. snowy

    snowy so kawaii Staff Member

    Before you consider the questions, enjoy this piece from Dan Savage.

    So there are a lot of things to discuss in relation to this piece. Address them as you see fit.
    Did you fuck first, or was your virginity important to you? Yes, I know this is TFP, and we're likely to skew one way. How do you feel about people waiting for their wedding night to make it "special"? What do you think about people putting so much importance on virginity as a state? How about the idea that women should make themselves available for their men at all times? What are some other things in Savage's piece that you found interesting? Do you fuck before big events, as he suggests?

    Obviously, we fucked first. We lived together for five years before we got married. It was important to me to know my husband well. Plus, waiting until your wedding night is the worst idea in the world, and I say that as someone who is married. Losing one's virginity has the potential to be painful, uncomfortable, and horrifically awkward (OMG IS IT IN YET?!!?! NO?! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING DOWN THERE?!). I did it a long time ago in a situation I was comfortable in, and even then, it was still painful and awkward, despite the best efforts for it to be otherwise. I would NOT want that to take place on my wedding night. On my wedding night, I was exhausted, and though we did have sex, it was because we were so tired we weren't going to get to sleep otherwise. ;)

    I was not raised in a family where "purity" was a concept. I remember watching my friends' families in high school, some of whom were nearly as conservative as the Duggars, and wondering what the hell was going on. It seemed really perverse and gross for someone's father to have a say about their sex life in that fashion. In my view, the concept of "purity" is firmly tied together with the idea that women are chattel to men; if women are not "pure" when they go to get married (a financial transaction), then their value as chattel is lessened.

    I'm not constantly available for sex, and neither is he. And that's okay. I don't hold it against him, and he doesn't hold it against me. Instead, we go take care of our own needs as we see fit. I'm totally going to take his advice to fuck ahead of time from now on, though.

    I don't judge the Duggars for their choices, but I will say that they skeeve me out a lot more than Dan Savage's choices.

    One part of the article that I find very interesting and wish to emphasize; others may wish to discuss it further:

     
    Last edited: Nov 7, 2014
  2. Levite

    Levite Levitical Yet Funky

    Location:
    The Windy City
    My mother always told me never to marry someone I had never slept with, or someone I had not lived with for at least six months already. It was sage advice, and I took it to heart, and found it of great benefit.

    I never understood the value on virginity. Sex is something that takes practice to get good at, and I was never interested in trying to build a whole relationship while at the same time trying to figure out the foundational basics of fucking. Even when I myself was a virgin (lo these many many years ago) I wasn't interested in sleeping with a virgin-- I already knew I didn't know shit about fucking, so why would I want to find someone else who didn't know shit about fucking, when I could find someone who'd already done some fucking and could presumably teach me some things? I mean, you don't get to be NBA quality by finding someone to teach you who's never actually played any b-ball-- you find someone who's got game, who's been up and down that court and knows all the moves, and you get them to teach you and play with you.

    Additionally, of course, I had the good fortune to be raised with theological sophistication: I knew enough not to take any Biblical or traditional text at literal face value, but to research and ask questions. I found that there is little basis in Jewish tradition for the idea that male virginity should be preserved for marriage, and actually much less basis than I would've thought for the idea that female virginity at marriage is a requirement. There are also various sources in the tradition that praise erotic pleasure and commend sexual intercourse as a means of deep intimacy. So I decided to value these and observe them, because it seemed clear to me that the extreme valuation of virginity was both a cultural artefact from a part of the world I did not live in, and from an era when both marriage was extremely early and contracted chiefly as a financial arrangement. But never for a moment did I believe that God would place some sort of value on chastity until marriage; I could well believe that God would wish us to express our sexuality in ways respectful of others and not dangerous to our health or the health of others, since I already am willing to believe that God values us treating other people decently and cherishing the gift of life He has given us. But I'm pretty sure that if He didn't want us to fuck, He wouldn't have made it feel so good or be so emotionally connective.

    Having an active and vigorous sex life prior to marriage seems to me to be the best way to ensure an active and vigorous sex life after marriage. And since a good and healthy sex life is integral to the health of a long-term relationship, it seems to me that staying a virgin until you're married is a good way to undermine the future health of your marriage. Which, in the end, is what my mother was trying to tell me. And she was right.
     
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  3. genuinemommy

    genuinemommy Moderator Staff Member

    My husband and I lived together for 2 years before we tied the knot.
    We conceived and lost a pregnancy together before we were engaged.
    We were friends first, then fuck buddies, then realized there was something really great there that we didn't want to lose.

    So, yes, I will be telling my daughter to wait until she's mature enough and educated enough to know what could get her in trouble (STDs, unwanted pregnancy), but by all means know that person through and through before tying the knot.
     
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  4. redravin

    redravin Cynical Optimist Donor

    Location:
    North
    A point that he makes that kind of slips by is don't get married young.
    As someone who did just that, I can attest to his wisdom.
    You grow up to be very different people than the ones you married and we lived together first with a lot of fucking because we were teenagers.
    Every time I see young people getting married (and it happens all the time on the more orthodox side of Jadzia's family) I just feel bad for them.
    I know their religion is going to force them to stay together and the girls are going to have to have babies no matter what their dreams might be.
    So no matter what life is like down the road they will stick it out because of the kids, their faith and their parents.

    I also liked his suggestion about fucking first on special occasions because if you try to do after dinner you'll be too drunk or full.
    I'd never thought of it like that but it's a great suggestion.
     
  5. genuinemommy

    genuinemommy Moderator Staff Member

    Yeah, not marrying young is good advice.

    But I must point out I have a couple of friends who were married absurdly young (14&17, 14&15) and they are still together, pursuing individual careers, and entirely successful. One couple is completely independent of their extended family while the other couple lives next-door to family and depends on grandparents for child care. Their children are in high school while my family is just getting started... They are certainly exceptions to the usual way things go, but it's incredible how a little family planning can make even a very young marriage successful.
     
    Last edited: Nov 7, 2014
  6. snowy

    snowy so kawaii Staff Member

    Those are pretty notable exceptions.

    Most of the data suggests that marriages are more successful if people are over 25. Generally, women over 25 have higher educational attainment and better economic prospects, meaning their marriage is more secure and more likely to succeed. I think resources play a huge role in a successful marriage and family. It's hard to have and care for children and for each other if the people involved don't possess the economic, social, emotional, or mental resources necessary.
     
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  7. Speed_Gibson

    Speed_Gibson Hacking the Gibson

    Location:
    Wolf 359
    Speaking of age, any woman under 25 would have a slim chance with me on that whole"anything serious beyond friends" thing at least initially. Not saying it could never happen, but there would have to be some deep common interests like photography, proper films such as the Marx Brothers and Chaplin, or the like.
    I work with kids 18-25 now and one of my first thoughts when I first meet them is along the lines "they are so damn young". One of my co-workers today was born the year I graduated high school. Gives me more of the "why the hell am I here?" thoughts along with the "you people are so young".

    And no I am not that much older, but anyone who has read my posts here for a decent amount of time could probably tell you in many ways I feel more connected to the generation now 60-70+ rather than the kids with the fancy smartphones and active life on social media sites.
     
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  8. Herculite

    Herculite Very Tilted

    I'm as right wing as they come on TFP anyways, and I have a problem with the Duggars ;)

    He hits on something interesting though it wasn't his target exactly. Children are a weapon, and a weapon of minority groups. I think there is something in the human genome that says "if you are a minority, out breed them!" I expect to see bigger families more common in the white community starting in about 15 years, and it won't be a movement, it won't be people like the Duggars, it will be a natural reaction to being out numbered.
     
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  9. fflowley

    fflowley Don't just do something, stand there!

    "Fuck first is one of my rules—and it’s not even a rule. It’s a suggestion. I encourage couples to “fuck first” on Valentine’s Day, wedding days, and anniversaries. Fuck before that romantic meal or wedding reception because you’ll be too exhausted/full/drunk to fuck after."



    I will probably not remember this article beyond today, but the advice above seems very sound. I don't know why I had never thought of it before. We are going to institute this in our marriage ASAP!
     
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  10. snowy

    snowy so kawaii Staff Member

    Dan Savage is full of good advice. I'm glad I started reading Savage Love as a teenager. It definitely helped shape my worldview and gave me lots of information!
     
    • Like Like x 2
  11. Chris Noyb

    Chris Noyb Get in, buckle up, hang on, & be quiet.

    Location:
    Large City, TX
    When I first started reading the Savage article, my reaction was this guy isn't making a mountain out of a molehill, he's making a mountain range out of a tiny pebble.

    Virginity is a personal decision. If people want to wait until marriage, that's up to them. I don't think it's a good idea. Sexual compatibility is important, and finding out that you're on opposite ends of the scales AFTER you're married would suck.
     
  12. redravin

    redravin Cynical Optimist Donor

    Location:
    North


    I think his broader point actually wasn't about virginity.
    He points out that all of this is his opinion and he really doesn't care if anyone agrees with him.
    The problem is the Duggers not only disagree, they actively work to make that disagreement law.

    I see that as a pretty big issue since I agree with Savage and having people like the Duggers and Duck Dynasty made into pop culture icons is kind of creepy.
     
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  13. Herculite

    Herculite Very Tilted

    If you haven't seen this one...

    [​IMG]

    The picture from below was golfing before they were doing the show.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  14. Lindy

    Lindy Moderator Staff Member

    Location:
    Nebraska
    I had to do a little research to even know who the Duggars are.

    I've been a Fuck Firster for a very long time. I first fucked on my fifteenth birthday, which was 23 years ago tomorrow. I would have been first fucked a little earlier than that, but that guy popped off before the first fuck could be consummated.
    I agree about the holiday and occasion fucks. I just don't enjoy sex if I'm overstuffed or drunk. I know some people like drunk fucking, but I'm not one of them.

    I do think that some of the advocates of early fucking tend to disregard some of the possible consequences that really do happen, like pregnancy, for instance. I'm proud that I've never gotten pregnant, never had an abortion or any STDs in 20+ years of pretty much constant fucking with numerous partners. Some of tht was, I'm sure, just plain dumb luck.:rolleyes:

    My mom and dad, a couple of hippies, were very open about sex, and the main "rule" that I remember them telling me was that sex was never to be a weapon, and respect others' relationships.

    Sadly, my sex drive led me to violate that more than once.

    I'm looking forward to "Fuck First" tomorrow morning on my 38th birthday.:) And then go out with my guy and my parents, who came to visit for my birthday, for a good brunch buffet.

    After I work up an appetite.:D
     
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  15. MeltedMetalGlob

    MeltedMetalGlob Resident Loser Donor

    Location:
    Who cares, really?
    This.

    Also, I believe women have a natural instinct for detecting virginity in a male and will automatically reject such desperate specimens.

    May I present as evidence, in a nutshell, the first 30+ years of my life:
    [​IMG]
     
    Last edited: Aug 26, 2018
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  16. Street Pattern

    Street Pattern Very Tilted

    My wife got this rule from her sister.
     
  17. rogue49

    rogue49 Tech Kung Fu Artist Staff Member

    Location:
    Baltimore/DC
    fuck first, fuck often
     
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  18. snowy

    snowy so kawaii Staff Member

    Can confirm: it keeps everyone happy.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  19. Lindy

    Lindy Moderator Staff Member

    Location:
    Nebraska
    Love's lustful labour found.:D Facile fucking fun first. Formidable football will follow fulsome family feast of featured fowl. Abundant alliteration aggresively affected.:rolleyes:
     
    • Like Like x 3
  20. snowy

    snowy so kawaii Staff Member

    Yup, checked that one off my list today.