Mothering Instinct

How do you define it?
Do you have it?
What amplifies it for you?
What does it motivate you to do?
Does it come out in your social life, work, or just in your home life?
Have you known men with this instinct?
Share examples from your life, stories you have heard from friends, or news related to mothering.

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Oh goodness, do I ever have a mothering instinct. I tend to be seen as a "mom" in most social situations, even when I was a pre-teen I was the "mom" of our group of friends. I tend to be the "mom" at work as well. It's not a bad thing, but I don't entirely understand why people label me as such. I didn't ever really see it in me.

But since my daughter was born, my mothering instinct has increased ten-fold. And I'm acutely aware of my tendency to mother. There have been some wacky things: I was motivated to make more milk - if I ever saw a child, my body was physically driven to feed it, and if it was crying I had to hold myself back from picking up that stranger's child to nurse. Very odd an unexpected urge, that one. It still hits me every now and again but I'm not making as much milk now in general so it's not as urgent of a compulsion. It motivates me to deeply contemplate taking in every stray or lost child that I hear about, and sad that I can't. It made me cry recently at the beauty of the first few minutes of the movie Tarzan when Tarzan's ape mama lost her baby and found the needy little human to love. But there's mundane things as well... It makes me remind my friends to remember their umbrellas and rain coats when it's raining, and to straighten collars when they're crooked.

I have absolutely known men with the instinct to "mother". My friend V is one of them. He's the guy who was everyone's "mom" in college. Pretty excellent guy. I hope he has kids some day, 'cause he'll be great with them.

I'll share more later, but for now here's a picture of Tarzan and his mom.

 

That's a great description of fathering!

 

I have it, bad. I think it's part of why I ended up in my chosen profession.

How do you define it?

I think it's less gendered than "mothering." I'd extend it to caregiving in general--wanting to take care of those who can't take care of themselves, or are lacking in the ability to take care of themselves. There's also a guidance aspect to it.

Do you have it?

Oh goodness, yes. And I think it's pretty obvious to most people. I have a friend who is older, and he and his wife never had children. They've both told me that they think it would flat-out be a crime if my husband and I never had children. This is a statement I regularly hear.

What amplifies it for you?

Seeing other struggle. And certain cries from babies. Of course, we're tuned to that.

What does it motivate you to do?

My job!

Does it come out in your social life, work, or just in your home life?

I try to suppress it in my social life, as I don't want to interfere with how others raise their children. Years of working in early childhood education, nannying, babysitting, etc. (I've been caring for children for 20 years now) means I know a lot of stuff and have a lot of practice with a variety of children. Sometimes, though, it's best to just shut up. Do I mother my friends? Sometimes. Do I enjoy feeding and caring for others in a social context? Absolutely! And of course, my job dictates some mothering instinct. However, the age group I work with now requires a delicate balance, and I love negotiating that. No, I can't be their friend or their parent, but I can be their mentor, and I can guide them through making good decisions, or offer them advice when they need it.

Have you known men with this instinct?

My FIL is more motherly than my MIL. My husband is pretty damn motherly. To me, that's why this is not a gendered thing.

 

Great response, Snowy!
Caregiving is a great way to describe the concept.
I wouldn't say that it would be a crime if you don't have kids, but do think that the world would be a better place if there were a child or two who were raised completely by you and E.

 

Aww, thanks. We'll get to it eventually.

 

I'm more drawn to children than Magpie is. I like kids. And babies. I think that was apparent at the meetup; honestly the only thing that stopped me doting on babygirly more than I did was some vestigial sense of propriety.

I don't know if it's an instinct; to be honest, I haven't put a lot of time or effort into analyzing it. I'm sort of failing at fulfilling my ordained gender role, but as a postmodern male I think I can be okay with that. I'd rather be happy than manly.

 

@genuinemommy's darling girl is one of my favorite babies. She's just so adorable, cute, and cuddly. Every time I see a picture of her, I want one, even though I know they're not all like that.

My cousin has a 16-month-old that I also adore. When we get together as a family, K toddles over to me and won't let go (until my husband decides he'll help entertain her too, but he has to negotiate with her two older brothers about that; they're his fan club and won't let him go).

 

Aww. Glad you guys like my girly.
@martian, I would have had you hold her more of I had known... @snowy might have appreciated a break...

 

My wanting one isn't inspired by any particular baby. Though I think I'd be pretty pleased to have one that bears a resemblance to GM's little satellite.

We don't actually know if we can make one the normal way, thanks to Magpie's PCOS. If not we'll have to adopt, but that's okay too.

 

I've got both sides covered, mothering & fathering.

When I take care of pets or children...I can go into mothering mode.
Even with babies.
Actually, I've been around babies and little kids all my life...do well with them...care well for them.

Must be doing something right...my mom, who's the "ultimate" mom & caregiver...literal nurse & teacher, says I do very well.
My only problem is I forget my size sometimes.

Strangely, I do for others & kids...but not myself.
I should go into "mothering" mode for myself more...but I have difficulty with that.
I do better giving to others.

And I find that when I'm around a lot of mothers, like my mom, aunt & sister...I go into "father" mode
...as if I'm balancing and strengthening that need for the situation. (like, "moms are covered, do guy things. Ugh, Ugh, Ugh!)

So basically, whatever is needed.
For the group or cared for. (Not me)