Doing the Nasty in the Past-y

Ok, fellow intellectual pervs. It's time to pull a Cosmos and jump into our ship of the imagination and travel through the folds of time and space.



Historical fucking. Who would you pick?

In this theoretical scenario, we're talking about sex with historical persons.

THE RULES AND REGULATIONS OF THE SEXING:

1. The person must have actually existed without debate So no ancient gods, no "this actor, but specifically playing this character", so on.
2. Banging this person would not change your current life status in any way. If you were to go back in time and bang a young Coppola, you wouldn't be able to talk him into a part in The Godfather. If you were to bang a young Marilyn Monroe, you wouldn't be able to keep her off the drugs/crazy lifestyle. Neither life would be changed in any way post-coitus.
3. You would have a memory of the encounter. They would not.
4. If you are a female, you would not be able to get pregnant. If they are a female, you would not be able to impregnate them.
5. No diseases would transfer between the two of you.
6. Just to reiterate, neither life would be changed from the sex. The only reason you should choose someone is because you want to have sex with them, not to boost your own prestige. In this hypothetical time travel fucking, there would be no Back to the Future effects.

Without further ado, here's who I would bang and why. (Which I'm sure will be added to as I find more sexy historical figures)

1. Leonidas I. Super hot, super strong, can kick Persian ass. Plus just seems like a really cool dude. Plus, Spartan women were well respected, so I can trust that he wouldn't treat me like shit during our tryst.



2. Young Stalin - A hottie and a half. Plus, he seems like he would like it rough. I'd let this dictator asshole wreck me a few times.



3. Johannes Brahms (@damnitall should like this one) - Eternally sexy, plus a composer, so probably crazy good with his hands.



4. Young William Shatner - I have a feeling he would be hilarious in bed. Plus, that sexy head of hair. Please be wearing nothing under that trenchcoat.


5. Young Martha Stewart - ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME WITH THIS? Young Martha might be the hottest thing I've seen (minus @damnitall, obviously). Jesus. Look at her. Plus, she'd probably make me brownies for my trip back to 2014. Major plus.



There's probably a million more, but these are some of my top picks.

So...WHO WOULD YOU DO?


(You're hot too, Chekov)

 

Heh heh... she said "folds." Heh heh heh.

*cough* In no particular order, here we go...

1) Brahms, because Brahms.


The beard, @GeneticShift... the beard.

2) Jack Kerouac. First of all, he is irresistible in this mugshot and I would totally drop the soap in a prison shower for him. Do I need any other reasons?


3) Young Teddy Roosevelt = such a fine specimen of man.


4) Kurt Cobain. I've always found him attractive and would very much have liked to ease his psychic pain...without consequences to his craft.


5) Young Ernest Hemingway, who looks far too pure and innocent here—he's simply begging to be ravaged by more than war.


6) I had a raging brain crush on Lord Byron when I was in high school and would argue it exists to this day.


7) Joan of Arc. There is no badass-er woman than she.


8) Based on her writing alone, Flannery O'Connor strikes me as one hell of a saucy minx between the sheets.


9) Young Michelle Pfeiffer, my first and ever-enduring ladycrush.


10) Young Gloria Steinem. Those eyes captivate me, and her voice is like dark chocolate.


Doesn't need to be said, but this list is obviously a work in progress.

 

In no particular order

• Catherine the Great c. 1760. She was in her 20's, her husband was still alive and she was throwing leg all over the damn place. There's an unsubstantiated rumor that her son, Paul, was fathered by someone other than Peter. Plus she was pretty smart and pretty hot by all accounts.
• Charlize Theron c. 1996. Pretty self-explanatory.
• Ginger Lynn c. 1985. Again, pretty self-explanatory.
• Helen of Troy.

 

I've never really thought about historical figures in a sexual way. For now...

Ayn Rand. I would completely disagree with her politics. If her real life sexuality matched that of a couple of her female characters, she could be a blast in bed.

Catherine the Great. If the stories are true, and STDs weren't a concern (per game rules), oh hell yeah.

 

Bonnie from bonnie and Clyde.
amelia Earhart
Joan of arc
Bettie Paige

 

I'm going with Catherine the Great in a landslide.

 

I'm trying to think of a female historic figure known for using men as BDSM sex slaves.

 

I feel like I need to put in a good word for Helen of Troy...

She triggered a war. She must've been really hot....

 

I also need to give a shout out to Mata Hari. The lady invented the concept of femme fatale. She would have to have been an awesome lover.

 

And let's hear it for Medea...

 

Okay, call me blasphemous, but I'd love to have the chance to seduce Mary. The Virgin Mary, that is.

 

And I go old-school for three life-long Hollywood crushes.

Katherine Hepburn, who melted my butter everything I saw her.



Ingrid Bergman, who could've saddled me up and ridden me around California is she chose to.



And best of all, Lauren Bacall. The sexiest woman ever placed on God's green Earth with the sexiest voice ever possed by womankind.

 

Amen ...xoxoxoo

wwII spy AND PATENTED INVENTOR

Hedy Lamarr (/ˈhɛdi/; 9 November 1914 – 19 January 2000)[1] was an Austrian actress and inventor.[2] Her most significant technological contribution was her co-invention, together with composer George Antheil, of an early technique for spread spectrum communications and frequency hopping,[3] which paved the way for today's wireless communications[4][5] and which, upon its invention in 1941, was deemed so vital to national defense that government officials would not allow publication of its details.[6]


Heddy Lamar....up there too

 

Excellent choice, Bobby!
--- merged: Mar 25, 2014 at 11:14 PM ---

As a former (and I mean very former) Roman Catholic, I think I can safely say that you're gonna burn in Hell for that one, DamnitAll!

If memory serves, the Catholic Church defined Mortal Sin as requiring something about reflection, intent, and full consent of the will. Or as George Carlin put it, "Wanna." You have to "wanna." Ergo, eternal damnation for you my friend.

 

As a recovering Catholic myself, I determined that one a while ago.

 

I'm gonna need CPR..........Catholic Pious Resuscitation...

 

Read the title of this thread, and was disturbed that someone who lived in the UP for so long would desecrate a perfectly good dinner in such a manner.

Anyways, on topic...

1 - A young Grace Slick. Powerful voice, and super attractive back in the day.
2 - Kurt Cobain. Fuck yes. It'd be super cool to jam with him, too, if possible.
3 - Marilyn Monroe. She just exudes sexiness.

There's more, but I can't really think of them at the moment.

 

Growing up, my bedroom walls were plastered with posters, postcards, pictures, and even a beach towel featuring James Dean. So, yeaaah, he'd definitely be my first pick.





Paul Newman, for sure...




A young Mikail Baryshnikov--





Hmmm....young Stalin has been mentioned. Totally yummy.

There are more, but we're busy today, and I've been trying to post this for like, 2 hours. To be continued!

 

Ohhh, my first teenage crush. Smart, sexy, outspoken, and vulgar as hell. ... My kind of woman.