Where does your confidence come from?

I've been trying to understand being assertive. When I was younger I wasn't assertive at all. Life moved me around like an air hockey puck. I'd float around until something slammed me into another direction. I went to assertiveness training class at a local community college when I was in middle school. It didn't help very much.

At some point I changed from being uncertain of myself to confident of myself. I don't know where it originates from. I have been trying to figure it out. Does it come from authority? Does it come from age/experience? Where does my confidence come from? I'm not really sure.

Where does your confidence come from?

 

I make an effort to always ensure that I know what I'm stating to be true. If I don't know what I'm stating to be true I make sure to clearly label it as opinion or conjecture.

My confidence comes from the truth.

 

As @Levite said, self-acceptance is part of it for me. I like myself, I know I like myself, and I don't particularly care if others don't. It's not going to alter my self-concept at this point in the game of life.

I've always been a confident person. I don't always feel confident, though. I fake it until I make it frequently, but it seems to work.

 

My moments of self-confidence usually come from a healthy dose of equanimity. It's difficult for me, though.

As for wider self-esteem, I struggle with it. I agree that it comes from self-love or self-acceptance. This is something I need to work on more consciously.

 

Well, it depends on what it's about.

If it's just me being me...then it comes from me being naturally extroverted and enjoying to talk.
When I was younger, I was just oblivious to what was "right" or "wrong", so I just did it...no fear of being the fool.
Some others in turn, would see what actually "worked" despite their amazement...and then allow me to be included.
On the other side, since I was socially unaware, I often put my foot in my mouth...fortunately, I was sincere...so I was taken under wing and trusted.

Also, I had the audacity of proclaiming I could do things...thinking, "why not?", I could do it.
Then saying, "oh shit" I need to pull this off...and thankfully I was for the most part talented and intelligent enough to "wing it" and pull it off.
On the other side, I did fall flat on my face...with consequences too. But I was willing to try again...even with others...so lessons learned.
So sooner or later, my ability caught up to my bullshit.

Now...it's from an accumulation of knowledge and experiences. (both painful and boast-worthy)
From seeing what works, what doesn't...and how humans are likely to react.
So my confidence comes from the still existing audacity...but also now from knowing what's likely to be right.
I've experienced so many things, in such diversity (and still have yet to...) and absorbed so many aspects, that I can guess where things are going.

It truly helps that my mother gave me unconditional love and support.
So I knew I was loved even if I failed. (that, and saved my ass quite a bit too. )
She took the time to explain things...and never judged. (which is different than stating what's ethically right & wrong)

But even now, I'm encountering a new angle that I'm not entirely comfortable with.
I'm going in managing a project, not really from a technical context, but from a new protocol/definition aspect
And managing/coordinating other leaders too...which always is a challenge.
So I'm outside my comfort zone...being the tech guy, but now instead a "torch holder" in an environ I'm JUST being introduced to.
What the hell do I talk about?? What is the accepted protocol or expectation?? How do I project confidence but not step on toes??

To be honest, you fall back on some "cliches". Everyone has their masks, their shields.
You drop a few names you've worked with. Announce a few things you've worked on. (but you've got to keep it light too, not a hammer)
Many have certs to fall back on. (I don't have any) Some have a title. (Dr., PhD, VP, etc..) again, I don't have this either.
But people do put some worth into image. (that's why you wear a suit)

So I only have my instincts, , my ability, my experience, my own self-worth...and some organization. (be proactive, keep ahead of it)

In the end...the only thing you can do is put yourself out there.
Try your best, keep a smile, keep calm.
Get feedback.
Repeat.

And yes, I'm sick to my stomach about the first meeting next Thursday.
But...that's what they're paying me for...that and getting results.

That's my confidence...
I've somehow made it happen before...so I think I can somehow make it happen again.

The trick is to keep trying, no matter the result.

 

Unfortunately, "the system" or humans force you to do this...even fully qualified people.
The selfish orientation of people making a judgement call provokes the "judged" to figure out what works and what doesn't.
This includes being constantly positive and repressing negatives.
Even your "negatives" noted to others need to take a positive tone or something the judges can leverage.

Inherent bias in all makes those who are ambitious and capable to present themselves in the best light.
They won't hire you until you're experienced.
So how do you get experienced??
And to be honest, being inexperienced...means we don't know how things truly work and are going to fuck up. (which is why someone wants experienced...)

You have to be confident. You have to put yourself out there.
And at times, you have to claim you can do things...just from your audacity of thinking you can do it.

I can't tell you how many qualified or even over-qualified people do NOT attempt to move on or forward or up.
As they say, "You have to be in it, to win it".

You have to say, "Yeah, I can do that" Or at least be desperate enough to try.

So, when you're starting from scratch. You've got nothing.
How do you get something??
Even if you went to college...their classes and how they taught you don't fully reflect reality.
And they don't teach you soft skills. (Sales, Management, Customer Service, Leadership...and so on.)

Yes, we are essentially blowfish...until we develop enough skill to apply our wares.

And the bosses are just as guilty of setting up the system and participating in it.
Why do you wear a suit??
Why do you want a decent looking resume?
Why do people throw names around?
Why are you putting on makeup?

Do these samples make anyone anymore qualified or capable or smarter??
Face it, people believe in illusions.

The key is to know your own worth.
Then put it out there.
And if you get them to believe you...then make something happen.

It's all a tap-dance. Even when you have the damn job...
What have you done for me lately??

 

Sir, you are funny as hell.
Be confident in that.

Me? I'm confident that I'll say "something".
You might have noticed...

 

BTW...in a turn of what's necessary to succeed,
Some "insecurity" is good too.
Seems everything counts in balance to make your way.

So remember, be confident, but be insecure too.