Not sure where we go from here. Mostly a vent, input/advice appreciated -Long-

To me, if he had said that.. I would have left. It was better fir this situation that he admitted his mistake and came clean. I do agree with the fact that it was a terrible idea, obviously. He came home last night. I was so nervous, I almost just left. We talked, I didn't cry (I had a week to do all that), he cried. I told him if I stay and anything like this ever happens again I will never forgive myself, he said it will never happen again. He's going to try to find a way to make me feel like I did when we got married. So, as of now it's a touch and go situation. I appreciate allbof youe advice and input, and trust me, I am still leery. We'll see how this all goes from here. Thank you.

 

I wish you the best. I hope it turns out well for you!

 

When a couple gets together and decides what "the rules" are, any violation of the rules that have been made voluntarily is obviously a bad move. And I can only imagine how much you're hurting right now.

But i'd like to offer another opinion, as someone who has never been able to adapt to strict monogamy (although I just want to put it out there that i've never broken the rules, as lax as they may be).

It is my opinion that there are a lot of humans out there who aren't wired to conform to strict monogamy, but society tells them that they have to be. They meet an amazing person who wants to be monogamous, and they agree, thinking it's something they can fully adhere to. When they start to have thoughts that aren't exactly of a monogamous nature, they start to feel trapped... because they don't want to lose this amazing person, but they just feel like they need some wiggle room. That doesn't necessarily mean that they want to be in a relationship with someone else, or even have sex with someone else... it might mean something like they want 30 minutes to have a fantasy that someone else may fancy them in a sexual manner, and perhaps one way (although maybe not the best way) to feel that is to make an online profile. How are they supposed to express that to a partner who has put full brakes on anything non-monogamous?

I'm not saying this is your fault, at all, and i'm glad you realise it isn't. I'm just saying that society tells us that we can't have any wiggle room, and it also tells people that they shouldn't ALLOW any wiggle room for their partner. We get so many messages that tell us that we can only be perfect if our partner craves our attention to the complete exclusion of all others'. Personally, I find that to be rubbish. It sounds like this guys is really into you, and talking to someone else online probably won't change that.

To echo what a lot of people have said, communication is the key, and you seem to already know that. I just worry what kind of stress may be placed on BOTH of you if even more strict rules are placed on your relationship. Granted I know nothing about this guy, but my take on everything you've said is that this guy is being quite open and honest with you, apologizing for a little (I accept that "little" is my own adjective and that others may feel differently) fuck up and willing to try to make it up to you... assuming this guys isn't straight up lying to you, isn't that some really great qualities for a partner to have? We all fuck up. We all make mistakes. Some larger than others, but we all do it. I'm not saying you're wrong in what you feel, but I think you also need to think about if you're willing to risk losing (what seems to be) a great guy because he might not be wired for STRICT monogamy. If you are, that's totally legit and you're a lot more decisive than most people, which is awesome. But if wanting a little wiggle room is the only strike against this guy, it might at least be worth a re-think of the messages that society is giving us.

 

There are a lot of people who put up "Joke" free profiles on pay sites, and do their communication through Craig's list missed connections. Just for fun check out the craig's list in the area he is in. I'm an old hat at this sort of paranoid self detective work... unfortunately

I once made a joke profile on a dating site. This joke profile didn't have my real name, or area, and was full of funny self comments. The picture was of a big hairy Neanderthal. There was no way the profile could have been taken seriously. (oddly enough I did get a response that wasn't a joke. It made me feel icky) If his real pic was up and name, it wasn't a joke.

 

There was no pictures. I need to address the 'wiggle room' comment. I completely see where you are coming from, but I am a complete monogamy type. If he needs this and hasn't said anything about it, it's a heartbreaking deal breaker. He is currently acting like nothing ever happened, and it's driving me nuts. I am so extremely mentally screwed right now I don't know anything anymore.

 

There is the possibility that it was supposed to be a joke. Talk it out and see if you really believe it was. I feel your pain. It's tough dealing with doubt.

 

This happened to me twice, gave both the boot. I'm calling BS also. Why would he think coming home and making a profile as a joke is a good idea?

The main thing is the trust/betrayal. It will take time, lots of it. What really sucks is you will always suspect something's up and that is not a good thing in a marriage. Both of you need counseling and go from there. Good luck to the two of you.

 

Yeah, I tried. I feel like it's time to cut losses. He decided to change all his social networking passwords, seems to be a huge red flag for me. If he isn't doing anything shady, why make it so I can't make sure?

 

It could be he's wanting some privacy and isn't up to anything shady.

It could be he is up to something shady.

You know him better than the group of cyber strangers here at TFP. It's up to you to take the action that you truly feel is necessary. I wish you all the best.

 

Yeah, if you recently had a discussion about shady behavior and you've had a history of always knowing each other's passwords, this is definitely a red flag. Sorry to hear this news.

 

I'm going to go completely against the grain here. Nobody gets my social networking passwords and having nothing to hide from anyone (seriously, I'm friends with half of TFP on Facebook and don't censor anything,) it would creep me the fuck out to know that anyone as actively checking up on me.

Consider the possibility that your husband has no intention of infidelity, he just has private thoughts of his own and is suddenly acutely aware of being watched. It's not a good feeling.

 

I can see the password issue from both sides...the adultfriendfinder profile not so much.

I stand by my original assertion. Dude is statistically most likely looking to cheat.

 

I do too. A happy medium is for him to keep the pw private, but she can ask at anytime to see his fb (or whatever).

 

You said he's only home 6 months out of the year... Personally, being a formerly-married (divorced last week) military member and familiar with long periods apart due to deployments, I can definitely say that those times are hard. For me it's just easiest to not be married, so that's what I did. But in your case... Maybe he simply had a moment of weakness - you said the profile was only started and not completed, and he couldn't even actually communicate with any other members; he was probably bored one night and simply checking out his prospects on the market, without any real intention of using any of those connections - like an ego boost, or trying to re-evaluate his self worth. Being married and taken off the market for a long time, and having to go long periods with no intimacy or validation by the opposite gender (or whichever gender you prefer, I guess) starts to make you wonder after awhile if you can still be worth anything on the singles market - whether or not that even matters. I've known several people who have done this same thing (one just a month or so ago actually) with no real intention of actually cheating, either physically or emotionally - they just wanted to feel like they were still attractive, desirable men/women. He probably made the half-completed profile on a whim, and then abandoned the project and forgot about it; with the shit-storm it's brought about, I doubt he'll do it again anyway. Just make sure you guys keep open channels of communication henceforth.