Not sure where we go from here. Mostly a vent, input/advice appreciated -Long-

A little backstory to help, set the mood. We've been together 5 years and have 3 children, not including the sibling that moved in 2.5 years ago. I make it a habit of googling myself and my husband at least once a year(it is known I do this). There's a lot of bad shit out there, I just want to be cautious. Well I hadn't done this in a while, and I did it last night. He is only home probably 6 months of the year, gone 5-20some days at a time.
So during this search, a profile comes up. A profile from one of those, "Have sex tonight" sites. I clicked on it, thinking no fucking way is my HUSBAND going to create ANY kind of profile. I was wrong. It is his profile. Worst yet, it's right around the job site they're on right now. My heart sinks, maybe even stops for a minute. My mind goes blank, I literally can't feel anything. Every inch of my body is completely numb. I'm completely and utterly devistated. My first reaction is to run, grab the kids, some clothes and random shit and never. look. back. I resist. The hunby is 8-9 hours away for at least another week. At this point I am far too angry to talk, so I text. I send about 4 messages before he tried calling me. I reject the call and say, "you can fucking read my messages." I give it a few minutes, calm down and let the "betrayal" sink in and make the call.
The conversation goes something like this, "WTF is this? Why would you do that to me? How do you think anything like this is ever ok?" He says it looks worse than it is. That this was done simply out of curiosity(on the site) and the fact that there is a running joke at work or online about the sites. I tell him this is by far the most fucked up thing that's ever mentally been done to me. It may not be physically 'cheating' but mentally, you're damn sure it is. He agrees and apologises profusely.
I'm honestly not sure where to go from here. I believe him, there have never been any charges on our account, or reasons to believe he would fuck someone else. I just feel... like an asshole, or a moron. Like I'm doing something wrong. I understand this is by far NOT my fault, but it kills me. I just want to stay in bed and cry, but I can't, I have children who need me, a house to clean and I can't think about me. We have a life together, going into this relationship knowing the only thing that would separate us is infidelity. Now to me, this constitutes cheating. I don't want to leave, but feel like it's either this, "great job"(which really isn't all that great), or it's going to end up being our relationship, though I don't plan on giving an ultimatum. I am nervous to hear what is to be said after work today. He still gives me butterflies when we sit next to each other, when we kiss or I get a glance. It has been expressed how much this hurt me, I'm torn as to where to go from here. Communication is a huge issue in our relationship, sometimes things will be done and put out of mind because it's, "no big deal" or it "means nothing" to him. I have no idea how to express how deeply this cut me. If we do actually communicate it's always through text message, he says he's not good at talking. I think we need to work on talking, actually talking, and go from there. I need to be able to trust my husband.

 

Thank you, I appreciate your input. I am not really looking forward to the actual conversation we will have when he comes home.

 

Hnmm. I see plan hasn't chimed in, so I'll beat him to the asshole punch.

My piggy sense says your husband is full of shit.

I think if he was joining a "adult friend finder" type site as a "joke" when he's away from the house for extended periods of time and that you periodically, but not frequently search for ID online, then he would most likely have said something to you about it. I would have. And given you the password, and all that shit. Then you're in on it, and can laugh if that's appropriate. Setting up an online fuck-buddy profile behind your back and only coming clean on it when you call him?

Yup. I'm calling bullshit.


But yeah, communication is critical in relationships.

 

I have a zero tolerance policy for cheating. Z E R O . I also agree with Pig, only I don't "call" bullshit, I want to get nose to nose with you and scream it until my vocal cords rupture. Suckers that forgive cheaters - or implied attempts thereof, give broad range permission for it to happen, because there were not consequences dire enough to make certain it never, at least to you, from them, happens again. The time for communication is long past. Anyone involved with me, knows from DAY ONE that cheating is not "a deal breaker" but a beat-all, end-all mega and forever, deal breaker. I wholeheartedly agree with your instinct " My first reaction is to run, grab the kids, some clothes and random shit and never. look. back. "

Exploration of possibilities for infidelity are NOT "a joke" infidelity is NOT A JOKE. not EVER.

Three words for you.

Lorena fucking Bobbitt.

 

I did end up getting the username and password, the account is there but unfinished. There is no way to even attempt communication with another person unless you pay for it. The second conversation we had went a little something like him telling me he was sorry(again) and that it wasn't a big deal becausenit was something he would never act on, he said, "it meant nothing to me." Now for being, literally the smartest man I know, he can really be dumb sometimes. I told him I don't care what this meant to him. That he needs/needed to be CONSTANTLY thinking of what his actions are going to mean to ME. I told him I was going to go, he literally begged me to stay and give him a second chance at being the man I married.

We're going to try to work it out. I'm going to be getting checked, appointment next week.

 

'I think if he was joining a "adult friend finder" type site as a "joke" when he's away from the house for extended periods of time and that you periodically, but not frequently search for ID online, then he would most likely have said something to you about it. I would have.'

i hate to say it Nvous but if i were in your situation, i'd suspect what Pig does, your husband is lying

but then freeVerse's statement 'Suckers that forgive cheaters - or implied attempts thereof, give broad range permission for it to happen, because there were not consequences dire enough to make certain it never, at least to you, from them, happens again.' is equally valid however your husband claims he hasn't cheated so you're no sucker but i can understand your justified hurt

is his account still active?

 

This account was never active. I have also checked all emails, this was all done while he was working in sub-zero temperatures. No chance at deletion.. my "getting checked" comment is because I found out this profile was created a few months ago, the last time he was up there. I have my doubts, he understands, and told me that he will find a way to show me how much I mean to him. He didn't give any excuses because he said "anything I could say in my defense would sound like something a cheater would say." We have both been cheated on in the past. I'm not defending him. This is the stupidest thing, EVER. No married person should ever have to deal with this type of crap from their spouse. It's unbelievable and heartbreaking.

 

I'm married, and I admit to being curious about those "Wanna fuck tonight? Your wife will never find out!" ads.
But not in the sense of wanting to cheat on my wife, in the sense of thinking those sites are a bunch of bullshit and are probably filled with prostitutes. That said, I would never even click on one of the ads, much less go as far as starting a profile.

I don't know how intelligent/cyber savvy your husband is, but it seems odd that he would create a profile that was that easy for you to find. Maybe he was serious and didn't know it could be found, maybe he actually did it as a "what the hell" joke.

As others have posted, you and your husband have a lot to discuss, and you have some decisions to make. It sounds like you've done a fair amount of investigating looking for cyber trails & a money trail. Is it possible for your husband to have cash or accounts that you might not know about, that he could hide from you?

I hope that you get this settled in a way that makes you comfortable.

 

FWIW, I'd suggest you both get a good relationship counselor and talk through this in a meaningful way.

I'd be concerned about the lack of trust and communication in both your parts. He was clearly hiding this from you. At the same time, you were electronically checking up in him.

That tells me that neither one of you has learned to be open and trust each other.

Were you checking him out because you were afraid that he was up to something?

Was he hiding this "joke" because he meant to go forward or because he didn't think he could trust you enough to understand?

I don't know either of you and I certainly don't know your situation. But I do think a marriage, especially with children is a serious investment in your lives. Please protect that investment by learning to talk to each other. And, more importantly, learn to listen to one another.

 

There is no way he would have access to any money I don't know about. The xompany he works for is famiy owned, and if any of his family knew he ever did something so stupid, he would never hear the end of it. Chris, that's the exact point I made to him. His comment to that was, "what I should have done was waited until I got home and created the profile with you so we could laugh at it together." I guess I'll know what's what when he gets home and I can read his face. Maybe.

 

Another point nvous: what exactly was the joke? i can only see one outcome of such a joke. being potentially approached about casual sex. if i *were* going to make such a "joke" account, you can rest assured it wouldn't have my real name or any biographical information attached. i wouldn't want people actually contacting me about actually having sex.

unless i wanted the opportunity to consider any such proposition. what if you get some psycho who tracks you down at the job site and starts stalking you? based on the small amount of information presented here, i just don't buy it. my read is much closer to "dude is away from home for long periods of time and tired of flogging the bishop."

there are a lot of people here on ye olde tfp that successfully navigate open and closed relationships, and what your husband did is a violation of both.

 

Im assuming he is cheating or attempting to. Assume he has. Could you truly forgive him and move forward? If you are willing to do that are you willing to look at yourself as well as he looks at himself to see what could be done better. Im not saying any of this was your fault, but let's face it. You two could have fallen out of love with each other or lost respect for each other. My divorce was finalized last month, and my ex claims she couldn't see it coming and that she didn't realize things had gotten so bad. But it was both of us. And in the end even during counseling I felt she was not listening to me.

To reverse, genital mutilation is definitely the way to go, especially considering that the majority of the population cheats at some point in their lives. So for women, would you prefer dumping acid in their vagina? Or maybe a hole saw and just bore out cheating women?

 

Um, what? No way would I want to be responsible for mutilating anyone. If that's what monogamy entails, then forget it. She can sleep with anyone she wants.

 

Apparently the joke is the website itself. Like, you sign up and, "surprise, YOU'RE the single in your area!" I don't know, none of this makes sense to me. I talked to his best friens of 20 years about it because he's become one of my really good friends and I needed a second opinion. He said there wasn't much he could saybin my husbands defense, which is pretty bad coming from him. He said this whole situation is completely unlike my husband, which is very true. This profile was created last October, right before our youngest turned 1. I still go numb every now and then, and I don't know if it's reversible or if the damage done is already too much. What I don't understand is, he KNOWS infidelity is a deal breaker. He tells me all the time that I'm the best thing, besides the children, that ever happened to him. If that's true, why risk it? Why do something that could separate your family? He says he never worries about me going out with friends because he knows I will be coming home to him, I felt the same way until I found this profile. He put doubts in my mind, honestly doubts I never thought I would have had with him. I never would have agreed to marry this man if I thought I would ever have any doubts. I'm lost and confused and I don't know what to do.

 

It is too bad you exposed that you knew about this profile already. It would have been better to have had some female friend of your make a profile on it and send him suggestive messages to see what he replied back.

Going forward, there is either marriage counseling or covert private investigators.

You will have to decide if you can trust him again. Maybe you will have to test him and see how he would handle a different woman hitting on him, having some proof one way or the other would make things easier...

Do you have a pre-nup that has rules about cheating in it?

 

Yeah, I'm surprised he didn't play the "I had no idea it was there", "Someone else must have made that profile" card.