Compassionate Conversation

Ask lots of questions. I used to do the same thing, and it came off as I was trying to one - up people, at least as I was told by a friend.

So instead, I ask questions that show I'm listening, processing what they have to say, and interested enough to keep the conversation going. Because I'm deaf, half the time the questions are also confirming I am in fact hearing the correct things my brain says I am, so I do this without even thinking about it.

 

Ask them questions, ask them to elaborate. Try to remember what they have said. People always hear flattery, so a flattering comment will get you brownie points.
I have found you to be a compassionate and caring person in the written conversations on TFP. Just my opinion -although unasked for.
Myself, I know I talk and joke too much - but thats because I am a nervous person - most who come across me think I am happy and confident. Funny old world isnt it.

 

I read an article/editorial thing in my early teens about a lady who was on the phone with her friend. Her friend was ranting about a flat tire and how it totally threw a wrench in her plans for the day. The writer listened, then took a breath to relate a similar story that happened to her...when her friend quickly had to go. Before she hung up, though, she said something to the effect of, "thanks for just listening, and not feeling like you had to offer up your own story or 'one-up' mine."

That's stuck with me through the years, and I try not to do the, "oh, listen what happened to ME once," thing, although I haven't been quite as careful about it for the past few years or so.

I'm sitting here trying to think of what I do during conversation now...

Basically, I maintain eye contact, nod along, offer a short comment or question if it seems to be expected (a pause, a look...something like that.)



I'm on the other side, of this, to be honest. My friends (both in Ohio and NC) tend to see a brief pause as an invitation to jump in and start their own thread of thought. Which is fine, sometimes, but irritating more often than not.

Edit...damn it, Cinn, refresh when you take fifteen minutes to type a response.

 

Happens to me all the time. There is an awkward safety dance in each individual conversation and some of us aren't great dancers.

Also: Learn to tell the part-time stoics to go handjibber themselves.

...

When I was in college one of my more edgy electives was taught by a current police hostage negotiator.

She was... super intense. Like the female version of Martin Riggs from Lethal Weapon. I'm not even exaggerating.

One of her tips was to keep the conversation in the now. I also think that translates to being in the conversation now, too.

That's what I try to do. Ask myself "Where is this person now?" and "Am I here--actually listening--or am I somewhere else mentally?"

Like anything in life, it's better to admit that you're losing interest or don't understand than to continue on, faking it. Nobody wants a faker.

...

I've discovered that--in my experience--almost nobody gives a shit about shared stories demonstrating empathy. I mean, I've been through some pretty rough spots in my life and they don't amount to a hill of beans to the person that is getting a divorce, just lost a parent or whatever. I'm sure that works for some people but I haven't had any success with telling people "Hey, I get it" even if they've got some pretty petty problems that seem like world-enders. Best to just listen, confirm the horribleness.

...

All the stupid Shrink Couch (TM) questions seem to be the key to success with most people that wanna share a story over fixing a problem.

WWWWH: "Who was this person to you?" "What was the event?" "Where/when did this happen?" "How does that make you feel?"

It's kinda counter-intuitive given the legit problem solving process involves sifting these hard points of tear-choked sobs.

 

I don't think that anyone can "perfect the art of conversation," to be perfectly honest.
Conversations are organic, they evolve differently with different people.
The art is in figuring out what the other person needs from the conversation.
Or if the person you're talking to can give you what YOU need.
Are they looking for advice, just wanting to vent, wanting to educate you and vice versa?
Trying to figure that out is difficult.
As a therapist, I spend a lot of time shutting the hell up in conversations.
So, as a wife and a friend, I like to talk. But, I've also learned when others need to just talk to me.
For any reason. Once I figure out the reason behind the conversation (sometimes not even the same as the topic),
then I can implement my response. These include:
Active listening: nods, minimal comments, body language that shows I'm listening.
Reflecting: bouncing back what they've said to show that I'm listening.
Encouragement, empathetic responses, or agreement.
Illustration of my own situation for empathy.
Socratic questioning: much more advanced, a lot of "what if" and "why" and reframing.
I love socratic questioning. I use it with people all of the time, and I think that's why people keep coming to me to talk.
Friends, coworkers, patients, clients, my husband.
I don't think there's actually an art to conversing, I think there is an art to knowing what you and the other person need.

 

*shrug* It's what I do.
And I usually come here when I need to unload.
That's why I like the Complaining and Bitching Thread.
No one talks back. Sometimes I just wish I could duct tape people's mouths shut so I can talk, and then just walk away.
Because sometimes you just need to say it out loud and leave it. No response might be necessary.
That, too, is tough to figure out. You're a compassionate person on here, enthusiastic even.
I wonder if your enthusiasm, curiosity about the other person, and overall interest in things is being misconstrued as uncompassionate.
In which case, it would be the other individual's issue, not yours.

 

Nah, I'm just really tired and not pissed off.
This is closer to my natural state.
I tend to be a very laid back therapist, I'm Existential-CBT in orientation.
That's how I approach a lot of things like this.
It works.

 

If I get a dog in that is shy etc - I wait for the dog to come to me - they resent it if you try and drag them somewhere they feel unsure of. Most of my conversations are with canines you see - far easier - but I probably tend to bore them.

 

I was thinking. Have our expectations changed over the years when it comes to whats socialy acceptable or expected? Myself, I think the anonymity of the internet gives a person a certain freedom to express their views and opinions - its considered the right thing to do.
Was it always that way? Although trained to be unnoticed, as a child I dont remember hearing grown ups talk say in the manner we talk on here.... mind, I also fell for the clock being set forward an hour on the nights the mobile chippy came - so she could buy herself fish and chips without us knowing.

 

This sums up my opinions on this matter better than any words in my brain could.

When I'm in a bad mood, I want to talk to others that can relate to me. If all I'm doing is talking at someone and having them say "I'm sorry" or "That's terrible" or other things of that ilk, I feel like I'm bothering them or bitching at them or in general being a nuisance.
When I try to relate to others through sharing a similar experience, I'm sometimes met with indifference or even being off-put and that they feel like I'm trying to put the focus onto me, which is never my intention.

Then again, I'm terrible at talking to people in general, so what do I know