The TFP Health Club

*palmface*

 

Sometimes I want to choke him, Yowl.

Choke him with these hands that have been working the Captains of Crush all goddamn day.

I can close the #1.5, Baraka. That's 167.5 pounds. With one hand.

 

They do! Fancy ones with TeeVees and cupholders and side impact airbags. They have shock absorbers and oh-shit handles and kill switch tethers, too.

I run on them occasionally. They suck because I can't easily do wind sprints on them with their levers and buttons and spool-up time and dongles.

 

How are you going to execute those without functioning arms, my friend?

...

No, seriously... the Captains of Crush have been amazing for grip strength training. They're legit hand exercisers in a world of dollar store spring trinkets.

If you stick with it, you will double your hand strength in a month. I wish I'd known about these things when I was in the military. They're gnarly-mondo.

 

*insert @Poetry's current signature here*

...

Seriously, though... I don't get you, bro. How could you ever have too much grip strength?

You really need it for things like... everything in the goddamn gym.

Pullups, deadlifts, kettlebell stuff... you name it.

 

Listen, I'm just trying to get you motivated so you can handle the moment when @Martian comes over to your place with a big trash bag of his old t-shirts and says:

"What's up, brah!? Just thought I'd stop by and check on you. Here, you can have these. They don't fit me anymore."

*flexes lats, breaks your door frame on his way out*

 

This will be me the next time I visit you at your house.

DIA SMASH.

 

Great, everybody is going to be huge. Awesome.

My insurance company isn't going to like this.

 

I was in a Kung Fu class and got kicked out because the sifu could not break my choke hold with his 'tricks'. He could also not choke me, with my very large neck, the result of a lot of weight lifting, which he said would make me slow and easy to defeat...

 

One time in the arena a guy tried to use eagle talon hold on my chest. I summoned my inner Bolo Yeung and pec bounced him across the floor.

 

This guy was a 6 foot tall ex-marine. Not small by any standards and we were in Wing Chun/self defense. ( Although I tend to agree on the relative uselessness of KF and WC, you might have a fight on your hands with some folk if you say that out loud. The movie/opera version in Wushu, I believe ) I've also been on the floor with some BJJ grapplers and they had a little (tiny) difficulty with my size, though they succeeded in making their holds and chokes work EVERY DAMNED TIME (ouch). I wish my joints weren't so old, because I really enjoyed grappling. I guess I get to stick to being a muscly pacifist in my old age.