No Children

Well ok then. I'm glad that you agree with me.

 

I've been thinking about how to respond to this thread, and Borla summed it up pretty well. I don't dislike kids. I think I would enjoy being a parent, if things work out that way. But I just don't think what I'm missing out on is enough to change my mind quite yet, if ever.

 

"Why have kids? They're just the pants-shitting middleman between you and all the cool stuff at the toy store."

 

Our kids have pretty strict "screen time" limits (be that playstation, ipad, TV or computer). Those things aren't babysitters. I can fully understand people who don't want kids - if nothing else they are a full time job and bloody hard work.

 

I don't have kids. By choice. My first husband had a vasectomy to ensure this.

While we're not together any longer, I still feel confident in my choice not to have kids and have been on birth control to stay child free.

I do have moments when I think I'd like to have a teenager or older adult child - probably because I enjoy my relationship with my own mom. But the thought of having to put in so many years to get to that point is a bit overwhelming. Babies aren't my calling.

Adoption of an older child is appealing in theory. In reality, there's no telling what that outcome may be. Lots of older children in the system have been through so much it's difficult for them to bond or accept a forever home.

Mostly I'm content to be able to do what I want, when I want. Pull an all-nighter, go on a spur of the moment trip, or sleep all day on Saturday if I choose to. I guess I'm selfish with my time.

I think it's possible that if I met the man of my dreams and found myself in a stable, healthy, committed relationship that I might want kids more than I do now. But raising them alone is a distinct possibility in this day and age.

So while it's not out of the question, I probably won't have kids unless I accidentally get pregnant. I would raise my child if I did.

 

I fully support any persons decision to not have children.
I never EVER intended to have children. I did not and do not, like children. I like quiet, and solitude, and doing my own thing, and coming and going when and where I choose. I don't like mess, I don't like noise, I don't like having anything in my house that is over 2 or under 90 that pisses or shits anywhere but the toilet. I want to smoke and swear and hell, run round with my clothes off if the spirit moves me to do so, without fear of corruption of a young mind or destruction of little lungs. I didn't want to be anything BUT , alone. "Alone" has never been a fearsome thing for me, I don't care if I die alone, I don't care if I LIVE alone. I LIKE "alone". I don't piss and shit the carpet. I don't leave dirty clothes all over the house. I don't make enough noise that the entire block will be roused from a sound sleep by the racket. I don't peel a 20 lb bag of potatoes and cut them up and set them to boil in the 4 biggest pots in the house because I'm "trying to help" and "I wanted mashed potatoes for dinner" and didn't know how to make them other than "peel potatoes. cut them up, put in water, boil them".
>takes a minute to breathe deeply and get a grip<
I have a birth control slip up, who is now an adult, daughter. I did the crime. I did the time. She is about to turn 21. I didn't fuck her up too badly. I'm 40. My life is a shambles. My mental health is a shambles. I "Did the right thing" and got married so she would have a father. Hell - way way way way worse mistake than getting knocked up. I have gone out of my way to make sure she never had, and never will have, any clue how very very very much I never wanted children. My life came to a screeching halt when I got pregnant. My education came to a halt. My relationships far and wide, personal and general were scaled WAY back. My entire life revolved around this extra portion of humanity I'd been handed, and I was hell bent on not fucking it up. I parented like a scab football player plays. Every freaking game is the Superbowl because it might be your last, and you've got nothing to loose.
It took me YEARS to be able to buy myself a pair of shoes before I'd walked holes in the last, or to buy myself a new coat, because what I had was good enough, and my child deserved every single penny I even THOUGHT about spending, how could I be so greedy as to spend it on myself. I've gone to work with walking pneumonia, a broken back, migraines, and have part of my troubles I do now with my health for not being in the hospital longer when I had West Nile because I needed to be home, and working.
My daughter is, like I said, about to turn 21, and utterly oblivious to anything I did with my life for or because of, her. She is mouthy and argumentative and a pissy little bitch like many of them are at her age. If I'd listened to my parents and kept my legs crossed, I'd have had the life I wanted. Parenting is a thankless job. It's one I would very much NOT recommend for the majority of people I've encountered in my time on earth, myself included.
and now... with her an adult... my JOB is to never let her know how miserable my life has been, how hard I've worked, or all I gave up.
There are people who will tell you that even though they didn't want to have children, when they did, they were glad they had. But there are far more out there like me than will ever ever let on. You want to have kids - go for it.
You don't want to have kids - rock on. I'm certainly not going to try to talk you into having them.

 

I really appreciate your complete and total honesty. Of course, I'm sorry that it turned out that way for you. But you offer interesting insight that I'm sure many would never admit to.

 

Theres girls out there who could do with a big sister substitute.

 

Not having kids is like not having sex. You don't know what you are missing until you have them.

I'm an atheist and I'll be happy to call them a "blessing" because trying to describe it is not really possible.

I think sex is a good analogy because this is a biological happiness, it can't be described well logically because logic has nothing to do with it (much like sex). I feel sorry for people who can't or choose not to experience this aspect of living.

 

At least two actually.
--- merged: Dec 11, 2013 at 7:16 PM ---

You just described me to a T.
Yet we now have 3 children, the oldest is 5, and I have never been happier.
Nobody is more surprised about this fact than I am.
Go figure.

 

This is the funny thing about it. I was rather "child ambivalent" my wife was "want child now" and I could see no reason to say no. Even after my son was born I wouldn't say it was "yea babies!" in fact I don't care for infants at all, larval humans really.

At this point though I can't even fathom how pointless my life would be without them. I would be doing a lot more "things" but those things would be to fill a void I wouldn't have known I had.

We have two kids and I'm quite happy about it, but I wonder if we should have had more.

 

I'd believe that more if I didn't see how so many child free couples treat their dogs.

 

...delicious when pan-fried.

Or their significant other. It's interesting how many couples consist of one adult and one giant blubbering baby.

 

That 'article' is kind of, I dunno, bullshit don't you think? I mean, come on...

That said, the most satisfying part of being a parent (for me) has been enjoying my kids' company as adults (or near adult). I can't comment on the 'blessing' aspect because I don't have any conscious awareness of being blessed with parenthood. I had sex, became pregnant and had a baby x3. I am thinking to myself, 'well, there was a serious, cataclysmic sort of event in the raising of my children, maybe that is why I don't feel romantic about parenthood.' But honestly, I don't think I felt any differently before all that happened. That's not to say that I was indifferent to being a mother - I've always been affectionate and supportive and I loved my kids at every stage of growth, at least partly because none of them ever gave me any shit. (They're just good kids. I lucked out.) But I never laid in bed at night thinking about how much my kids mean to my life. What's more, I've never considered that my life would have been better or worse without my kids. I've thought that way about decisions I have made in the past and whatnot, but my kids are such a persistent factor in my life (like my arms or legs) that I never consider any other reality than them being here. And now that I've written that, that is one of the greatest things about being a parent (to me) - the persistence of that relationship with these three women who popped out of my body, lol. That is a pretty awesome thing to have.

One thing that I will say about deciding to become a parent: you should be prepared to accept the good with the bad. Sometimes really bad. And be the type of person who takes care of business and makes the best of things for your own sake and the sake of your kids. If you're the type who becomes an emotional wreck when things fall apart, you're going to fuck up your kid.

 

I meant bullshit in that it is just a bunch of claims with no attempts to back them up, written by a PhD on a psychology site with an abundance of exclamation marks. That kind of bullshit.

 

I think it's unfortunate that you feel like you have to defend yourself in that way. Truthfully, there are plenty of "childless" people who are unhealthy and unhappy as fuck. Same with parents. I get that there is an undercurrent of you are "thwarting our values as a society" by remaining childfree, but it seems to me on par with remaining religion-free or spouse-free. There may be some uncomfortable conversations, but ultimately it is your choice to make and no one's going to lock you up for it. I guess I'm still cynical about the difficulties of deciding not to have children because questioning someone else's choice like that seems so stupid. Even when it comes to my own kids, I don't give a damn if they want to get married or have kids as long as they're living the life that they want. So it's just not something that registers with any of my previous experiences.