polyamory.

uhhh. no indeed I have not. But I'm about to buy it. Holy shit!

 

Disclaimer: I know one of the authors. I know how hard she worked on it. It's really exciting to see what a big deal it has become.

 

I'm just stating the way a lot of people "do" it, I agree with you, that having different levels of a relationship isn't really polyamory. There is no rule it has to be done this way either.

There was a book written on it called "the ethical slut". I read it a while back, it didn't really apply to my wife and I but it may be useful for you.

Woops missed that.

 

Well, I'm about to put a few dollars in her pocket because I purchased a copy of her book.

 

These so-called "rules" which exclude single polyamorous people are bogus. Maybe there are certain communities out there who look down on it, but it's a mode of being that is "in the literature" (as I like to say).

In addition to Ethical Slut there is also Opening Up by Tristan Taormino, which has a chapter on solo polyamory. I identified as a solo polyamorist for a short while.

My whole engagement with this was important. I actually still identify as polyamorous, but am not practicing. I liken it to someone who is bisexual and monogamous (you commit to one person while still being attracted to others). Monogamy works for me now for a few reasons:

1) Purposeful monogamy is actually a form of polyamoury, in my mind. I am doing this on purpose because I want to commit as much time as possible to this person (and the rest of my time to music). Many shack up and stay with someone because that's "just what's done," having never considered openness in a relationship. So since I want to go deep and very emotionally committed with my partner, I am going all in with her.

2) It is said that "love is unlimited, but time and energy are not." I don't have enough time for this new love as it is, and I don't have the time I want to spend on music, and yet, pretty much all my time is spent on those two things. There is none left.

3) Not dating anyone else has given me a tremendous amount of focus.

So... I would say that polyamory as a set of mental tools is something everyone could use. Jealousy and ownership are silly things that are very culturally impressed on us and we could all use a good dose of deconstructing them.

 

My wife became disabled several years ago and as a result has lost both the physical ability to have regular sex and much of the desire. When we do have sex it's still enjoyable for the both of us. She realizes that I need more stimulation in my life, though, and has allowed me to see other women from time to time. She has no interest in other men, or any women at all, but she does like it when I tell her about being with another woman. She will often masturbate while I give her the "details".

When we were first dating, we were not seeing each other exclusively. I was also dating one of her friends, and at one point I had sex with her friend while my future wife was in the room. So our relationship has always been more "open" than most. We do have a few rules, of course. Safe sex only (duh), never in our home (also duh, we have two kids), and no getting attached emotionally. I haven't had a problem sticking to this and our relationship is stronger now than it has ever been.

 

I love that article, @snowy. I missed you posting it somehow. I totally get what it's saying and I think it's true. The further along I go, the less I understand monogamy and I've come to think that it was possibly a construct created to hamstring the sexual development of women. As women, we are expected to seek out a nearly impossible romantic ideal that is (often) ultimately frustrated, corrals our sexuality for the benefit of one person and ultimately leaves many women feeling sexually indifferent. I don't believe that becoming 'frigid' is an inevitable thing for most of the women who find themselves there. I think they're bored.

NOW, that said, I realize that many people have really great monogamous relationships that work for them, sexually and otherwise, and I'm not trying to imply that polyamory is the only way to go. I just think it would be beneficial for a lot of women if we were more open to it as a society. One of the things I like a lot about seeing multiple people is that I am able to change and express different parts of myself sexually (and on other levels, too) with different people. It's very gratifying and it gives me more peace of mind than I have ever had in any of my monogamous relationships. It's easy to write it off as perverted or deviant or just about humping flesh, but it's not. It's love and friendship. With sex.

 

i'll read through this later and amend or add content - just a marker.

wish rat and [/b]lurkette[/b] and [/b]stella[/b] were around to weight in.

i have experience with poly-people trying to pull me in, but they were dysfunctional and i ended up letting the F end of it cry herself out on my shoulder more nights than i count after the M (a close friend at the time) dropped her to split with the other F in their situation. Can't look the guy in the eyes to this days. She's still a dear friend.

More to say when I've absorbed the content of the thread, but I will say is that in my experience it either cements a relationship, or rips it apart. Playing with fire one is, it seems.

pig

 

Perhaps why I am more interested in single polyamory. I'm all about simplicity.

 

I often think about this. "Marriage" no longer sounds a stable concept to me.

 

This is a profound statement. But as you said it all depends the people.

This kind of close commune could exist with our without sex. But more than two people allows for politics if they are all not on equal care for each other.

In ideal case a group of people caring for rest of them and sharing all responsibilities and living together would be a very esteemed arrangement.

 

Oh, come on. The problem with marriage is that people think a legal document will somehow solidify their already dysfunctional relationship. A ring won't fix shit. Neither will having kids.

I've basically been married for the last half decade. We live together, share bills, share chores, had PoAs done up, etc. The relationship comes before the marriage, not the other way 'round.

/threadjack

...

I don't know if I could handle a poly relationship if for no other reason than logistics. I mean, most things in life seem to be designed for couples and thus the spare would have issues at times.

I also imagine the hell that would be living with two women in sync. And all the issues associated with explaining your relationship to lay people. Living with another dude would be alright if he was into the same hobbies, though.

You know, aside from fucking the same woman. Which brings up another issue: I've been with a lot of girls that can barely handle the sexual appetite of one dude. I don't wanna get the "Ugh, I'm sore" line all week just because he gets home earlier.

...

I'm not particularly jealous but I am competitive so I don't think hippie relationships would work for me.

 

Could the difference between polyamory and swinging same as the difference better love and casual sex ?

 

I think polyamory is more of an umbrella term that encompasses all of the non-monogamous forms of relationships including swinging.
--- merged: Dec 7, 2013 at 1:29 PM ---
And I could never have a hippie relationship, either, because I hate Indian cotton and I think Grateful Dead jams are monotonous and boring.

 

How long before the house of cards falls apart? It's not a question of if, it's a question of when.

 

I can't tell what you're talking about. Polyamorous relationships, or relationships in general? Could go either way.

 

I totally toe-curling love random vague one-liner responses. TFP goes through rashes of 'em.

No quoting of previous posts. No context. Just a smoke cloud pot shot.

...

Answer:

Typical marriages. What's the divorce rate at these days?

100% if you're me.

*rimshot*