I am writing this to get all of this off of my chest.

I am 32 years old and I live in East TX, I am 5'11'' 675lbs (thyroid and very slow metabolism) I have been over weight since I was 5. I am a very active person and I don't over eat. I have been single for 15 years now. I lost my fiancee and our twin boys she was 8 months pregnant with in a car wreck, I broke my back, spent 2 years rehab learning how to rewalk, I broke my T4 and T5 disks. as of a couple years ago I was told by my doctors I needed to stop working and stop adding stress to my back and I needed to get on disability. So now I am on disability. Right now as it is I am trying to learn how to cope with not being able to work. I would love to work but I can't.
I have dated two women since then, the first put me through pure and utter hell. Constantly lying to me telling me she was raped by her ex or she was always dying or dead either by car wrecks, suicide or cancer. I spent two years trying to be with her. I had a couple of mental and emotional break downs because of the stuff she did to me. She was very manipulative and played my heart for all she could. She would only come around 8 times in person and stayed a few hours and was always drugged up on some pills. She was very secretive with her cell and her meds she said she was taking for cancer, would not let me look at them.
The second woman I tried dating for a few months and she did the same thing so I shut her down quickly. Both of them I found on craigslist. As for dating sites like okcupid and plenty of fish and evow, I have sent every single woman in a 100 mile radious of my town and I just got ignored or blocked, as for ads on craigslist, I would get women saying hi how are you then asking for a picture, I would send one then they would outright ignore me. Ones who didn't ask for a picture, when it came to what I did for a living they rejected me after I told them I was on disability for my back. I have gotten texts and emails from women and guys off craigslist telling me I need to go f**king kill myself and I am ugly and a looser. I get rejected in person faster than I do online.

I am severely depressed and I can't take being rejected anymore by any woman. I feel so utterly and completely numb and dead inside and I am broken and torn down mentally and emotionally and spiritually. I have been thinking of suicide a lot lately and I mean a lot. I am so tired of feeling alone and lonely and just wanting a nice woman around my age or a little older to truly give me a chance. All I want again in life is another chance at another family.
My life is stuck where it is at because of the disability and never being able to work again. I live in a dead end small town with nothing around and all I want is to settle down and have a family. I can not take anymore rejections, I can not take anymore games, I can not take anymore at all. I truly can't take being put down and told I am a loser and need to kill myself once more. I am about to explode. I don't know what to do anymore. I truly give and give and give and give and never ask for anything back from anyone. all I want is a break in life. That is all I am wanting is a break in life.
If you go to flickr and attach /photos/66154876@N08 this to the end of the address in the web browser you will get pictures of me.

 

Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline


I believe they are there 24/7. Call. Talk to someone who can get you the assistance you need.

 

I agree with everyone in this thread.

Reach out now, @ds81

 

You need to speak to someone - you need to unload and to get an immediate response.
Its very hard when simple goals are unattainable. I am disabled - back lorry hit me, head - so incredibly overloaded with smartness it just exploded.
I understand your need, as a young man, to make plans for the future, to set goals. You want a family? Theres a load of potential distant cousins on here - all of them 'different'. Welcome to the kindly freak show - where every one is made to feel they fit in in their own individual way.
Your photos - you look nicer when you wear a bit of a smile rather than glum/passport photo face.
Pick up the phone and talk to someone -

 

@ds81, please tell us you made the call.

Back in 2005, I came damn close to ending my life (I went as far as putting a blade to my wrists) but stopped short and called a grief therapist instead.

It helped.

Now make sure you do the same for yourself. And by the way, don't ever listen to those assholes on Craigslist. That site is a shithole.

 

---

-+-{Important TFP Staff Message}-+- The suicide prevention lifeline has counselors available for free, 24/7/365 at 800-273-8255. If you call them and tell them exactly what you told us, they will point you in the right direction. There are additional resources available at Lifeline Please understand that while we're here to talk with you, this is far beyond the kind of advice we're qualified to give.

 

As someone who has also attempted to attempt, please make the call.

 

I am not going to kill myself but I do think about it. But I won't do it.

 

I agree. And once you find a therapist that you feel comfortable with, you'll be amazed at the progress you can make with your own thought processes.

There's something nice about being able to be completely open and honest with someone. It frees you.

 

Yes, talk. Get it out of your system with help.

 

THIS.
Thoughts of suicide are 100% in the suicide prevention's realm. Even if you called them before, it's OK. You are serious and so are they. It's anonymous, if you want it to be, and a first step to getting better. And it is FREE.

 

You OK @ds81?

 

Honestly, the best advice I could give you is to stop focussing so much on women. I've spent enough time swatting at windmills to know that the love of your life isn't going to come and save you when you need it the most. Not often, anyway. I would find anything- and I mean anything- to take your mind off of the shit that you've gone through. If you spend too much time fantasizing and pondering the feeling that whenever you're not outside, even when you're with family, you just feel so alone, you will fall apart. Trust me. For me it was television. I've seen pretty much every show ever created, and whenever I wasn't watching or out in the city, I would feel that ebbing loneliness (though I honestly believe that it did more good than harm). But the solution is different for everybody, but just don't spend your time screwing around, thinking about what you could do if you were better. I also spent a lot of time with friends to pull me away from wasting all my time in front of a screen, so that would definitely help.