Online Dating

I feel insecure on account of being 29 and living with my mother. She's out of work so I'm paying the mortgage, and my brother is taking is last college class to graduate and I promised I'd stay until he did (this was before the 2-year hiatus before the last class, but promises are promises.)

I've done OK. I typically go on dates with women who ask me out, I haven't met anyone to be with long-term in the past couple of years, but met plenty of nice and interesting young women (the one 10 years older than me still counts as young, shame we didn't really have that much in common once we met.)

 

Many dates are duds but I've met some really great people through OKCupid. Some of them romantic interests some not. I love online dating.
One thing I can say is that after maintaining a profile for a couple of years off and on, I've gotten a lot better at pre-screening potential dates. My one piece of advice would be: don't be too quick to compromise your own standards. There are a lot of men out there. It pays to be patient.

 

That sounds like solid advice. And there's nothing wrong with casually dating a couple or three guys at once in the beginning, right?

Still nervous, but I think I'll be ok. I do know we both watch Homeland and if all else fails we can dissect this season!

Positive thoughts. Positive thoughts.

 

Forgot to post why you should be patient: If you go on a flurry of dates with guys that you're 'eh, he's ok, let's see what happens' about, you will burn out quickly. Trust yourself to know that if he wrote that ridiculous thing on his profile that you could never imagine yourself living with, it's probably a waste of time. There's no harm in being particular.
--- merged: Oct 30, 2013 4:02 AM ---
There's absolutely nothing wrong with casually dating two or three guys.

 

Today's the day! The nerves are churning already.

I'm tempted to get there early, sit in the bar and have a relaxing drink.

Bad idea?

 

I will do that sometimes.

 

I'm notoriously early for anything I'm nervous about. For me, it gives me time to breathe and relax. I don't think there's anything wrong with having a drink, but I've always heard the advice to keep the first date drink limit at 2 - enough to loosen you up, but not enough to make you sloppy. Good luck!

Also, MSD, mad respect.

 

I think that's a decent idea. That way if he stands you up (unfortunately happens quite a bit with first dates, in my experience), you haven't wasted the trip and you feel less inclined to stay and wait later and later. It's also a nice way to relax and get started on small talk with other strangers if you're feeling socially awkward.

My last online date went AWESOME and I'm now living with the guy and we just adopted a puppy together. I love online dating for the screening process, but definitely had some instances where I connected with someone through text but it did not translate at ALL to in-person.

 

I married my last online date after doing Match.com for about 9 months before that. Our 1 year wedding anniversary is Sunday

I tended to avoid bars/meals/movies for first dates after a while. If there wasn't a click you were locked in till your check came, and I just prefer not to drink with people I don't know.

I would also go someplace I was familiar with, but that wasn't one of my local haunts so that there wasn't a chance someone could be stalking me back to my house. I was living in Chicago alone with no family here and no one close by to count on for security. I did tend to let a close friend know if I was meeting someone for the first time just so there was a line out there.

 

Amokie, talk about a happy ending! You give me hope.

I tried to take steps to be safe: picked a restaurant I'm familiar with and know managers/waitstaff, meeting him there, letting someone know where I'll be, etc.

I'm just a little socially awkward with strangers, so I'm just feeling panicky about the small talk and hoping that I don't act all uptight and nervous, because I know I can be quite funny when I'm comfortable.

It's also freaking me out about if it does go well - will he try to kiss me. Really conflicted about that.

Thanks all for all of your support, suggestions and stories. This is huge for me, and I'm glad to have somewhere to express my thoughts and not feel judged.

 

It's been a year already? Time sure flies lately.

Most people are a bit nervous on the first date. Don't worry about it. If he tries to kiss you and you don't want to, just turn your head and make it a kiss on the cheek. Tries again? other cheek. If he doesn't get the hint and tries a third time, whack him in the nose with your forehead.

 

Hi all!

Things went well. Good conversation, things in common, lots of laughs. He did not try to kiss me. I'd go out with him again, if he asks.

Now I feel silly for being so uptight in the first place!

 

Give him a day and ask him if he doesn't. Same advice on kissing as the first date.

 

Ok so I told him about the craptastic day I was having and how stressed I was and he offered to come over with takeout and wine and anything else I might need, just to make my day less stressful.

We were supposed to go out tonight, but this sounds better.

So far, so good.

 

Sounds good so far.
I met someone almost 10 years ago on the now defunct date.com.
We have been together on and off for the duration and got married last year when it became financially important.
I liked it as a prescreener. There's a thread on 4.0 about horrible dates somewhere where I shared why I hated meeting people in person and agreeing to go out.
I much preferred googling and feeling them out before agreeing to go out with someone. And it worked for me

 

Online has its filters that take care of necessary things (presupposing a basic level of honesty on everyone's part). Very nice to sense without the hassle of chemistry whether the person you are connecting to can string words together reasonably well, has some intuitive sensibility/smarts, stuff like that. Plus the obvious (again supposing a reasonable degree of honesty) such as allergies or important belief systems or whatever.
Face to face has the critical quality of sheer physicality. Can you see yourself pursuing anything with this person after noting their looks, personal hygiene, their laugh and the timbre of their voice.
I met my Lady online back in '05. We are demographically as incompatible as you could wish. But ours is an example of the false screening demographics can provide. We fit. Online worked. 3D meeting worked. Everything else was exploration and accommodation. It would be difficult to imagine being happier with our current reality.

Good luck

 

Ahoy! Let's start with these three gems:

The Tilted Forum Project - Online Dating Success

The Tilted Forum Project - Dating FAIL: Your Stories

The Tilted Forum Project - Online Dating...aka life of a single guy

 

So, ultimately what are you looking for? A long-term committed relationship? Or just people to hang out with?

 

Ultimately, a long term committed relationship. Finding people to hang out with along the way is ok, too.

So after my plumbing/water leak issue is dealt with, he asks what I'd like for dinner and offers to go pick up - I said that's sweet, but why don't I just ride with you (he doesn't know the area and we can spend that extra time talking) So we order food for carry out and are having a drink at the bar while we wait, and then he starts dropping the bombs on me:

Lost almost everything gambling at the Casinos (why he had to move home)

Quit smoking (but now dips)

His parents are cray cray

And he's coming off as slightly effeminate in his storytelling.

This is all quite a lot to absorb and take in. We eat dinner, watch some TV, talk, he performs parts of his CATS! performance, we laugh, he tells me again how ridiculously good looking I am, but I dunno...it was maybe just too much, too fast? I'm not feeling threatened, aroused, or really much of anything so...

He was already scheduled to stay the night, since he lives in another city. I wasn't feeling creeped out or anything so I was ok to let that stand.

He likes to snuggle. Which, I must admit can be pretty nice. It's bee a long while since I've had so much attention. Hair caressing, back caressing, a little booty caressing, but all of it in a very loving, sweet manner. But it was all night. All night. Alllll niiiight.

I woke up with a headache on my right side so bad I could hardly open my right eye. I tell him this and how I could really use some Tylenol from the store, plus some other things i take when this happens. And THIS is when he chooses to make his move and start kissing me?? Ugh. I had to shut it down. I asked him if he could please take me to the drugstore to get some medicine so that I might be able to open my right eye and not be in pain. He, of course, did.

I told him I was sorry, but that I didn't think I would be up for doing anything else, as I've had these kinds of headaches before and they generally require me to just take it easy and let it pass. That seemed like enough to say.

I was waiting for him to come out of the bathroom, thinking he'd have hi stuff with him, but no he was back in his pajamas, settling in on the sofa. So I just gave in and curled up on the sofa with my pillow and blanket and dozed off. In my sleep haze, I feel him rubbing my head, and that's ok. Then caressing my face. Then my neck. Then my chest. What?! I mean yes, it felt good, but I'm here trying to work through this headache and he's making moves on me.

Slightly annoyed. I move his hand away and he stops. I finally rest easy and fall dead asleep. I wake up, look at my phone and say "omg it's almost 4pm!" I guess he had fallen asleep too, because he promptly got up, got his shit together and left. I think the only thing he said was "I hope you have a nice rest of your day" I thanked him for dinner and for taking me to the drugstore and have him a hug and he was off on his way.

One of the oddest things ever. I don't know if he stuck around because he thought I might need something, if he thought I might get better, if he just wanted to caress my sleeping body some more. So strange.