I can't be around you if...

Most of the ones that go for friendships also go for relationships, because to me, all a relationship is, is a friendship that has gone to the 'next level.' You can't have a relationship without being friends first.

A big one is that you have to be able to intellectually keep my attention. If we can't hold a conversation, you can't hold my attention. I mean, we don't have to sit and talk for 4 hours (though I have some very good friends with whom I can dump 4 hours into conversation without blinking and without realizing how long it's been), but you have to be willing to keep the conversation moving and we have to share some mutual interests.

On the same token, you have to be able to talk to me like a human being and not as a 'subject' or as someone 'beneath you.' If you condescend me, even without realizing it, we're going to have problems, and you're going to hear about it from me.

You have to be able to take my ribbing. Sometimes my sarcasm goes a bit far, either into the "what the hell did he just say?" or into the "did you seriously just say that?" territory. Bonus points if you're willing to point out to me when I've taken it too far; I love it when my friends help me to grow and mature as a person.

We have to have a vaguely similar taste in music. I'm going to sing (and, sometimes, scream) along to my favorite songs. You have to at least be able to tolerate it, even if you can't appreciate it. Just like I'll be able to tolerate/appreciate the styles of music I don't exactly like.

You have to be able to stand up for what you believe in, no matter what the situation or who you're around. This is mandatory. I've dealt with far too many two-faced people.
I don't necessarily mean that you have to be defiant in what you believe, but your opinions of things and/or people shouldn't change based on who you're hanging out with.

 

I have a fair number of single-interest friendships. A couple of my ski buddies are complete assholes; but damn are they fun to ski with. Likewise, I have a couple of biker buddies that share my passion for motorcycles and nothing else.

Close friends are a lot like relationships; but I have exceedingly low standards for casual friendships with folks that share a passion with me.

 

As far as relationships, I hate defining dealbreakers since people are so much more than the sum of multiple choice questions. If I had to come up with one at gunpoint, I guess I'd ask "Would you vote for Bernie Sanders or if not, give a good, coherent answer why not?"

 

Gotta be attracted, that includes loving mind and heart.
Gotta be forgiving of people, see the good in the horrible bad things.
Willing to put up with me and my weird brilliance.
Ideally able to lift each other up, pushing one another to greater levels of awesomeness.

As long as you can support yourself, at first.

 

I can't be around you if you don't accept that individual choice and personal responsibility are crucial to a healthy, functioning society. Blaming others for your situation and relying on institutions to carry you gives me rage blackouts.

 

People who constantly judge and put down others is a real turn off for me. That would go for relationships in dating, friends, anything. I would rather not have them in my life.

 

I can't be around you if you constantly speak in pronouns.

My mother is absolutely horrible about this.

Context, goddamnit.

 

When it comes down to it, I just know, you know?

Every year I am met with a new batch of teachers that come to teach at my wife's school. There are all sort of social events where I get to meet these new people. I can usually tell within a few minutes if I am going to want to get to know someone. I have found that there are very few that my initial read changes after multiple meetings.

If I had to point to anything it would be a compatible sense of humour. Almost everything else is forgivable, I suppose.

 

Absolutely agreed.

I can tolerate and be friends with just about anyone, as long as there is some compatibility in humour.

If you're a stiff or uptight person, it is simply not meant to be.

 

I can't be around you if you try to get me to cover for you if your GF/SO/spouse asks if you were with me.

The first time I'll say no, and tell you not to ask me again. I don't care what her faults are, or if you truly love her but just need some strange, I'm not lying for you.

EDIT--The above can apply to females. I've had females want me to supply an alibi if their activities were questioned. I don't if I am flattered or insulted that their SOs would trust that I wasn't the one slipping them some dick.

 

For dating (less so for friendships):
I can't be around you if you're weird about bodily functions. I'm gross. You're gross. Humans are gross. Get over yourself.

 

Yeah, but there's a difference between gross and bodily functions. Gross is, uh, finger painting with poo. Bodily functions aren't something you pretend don't exist.

The whole "gross" thing is just people being uptight. People that use a bathroom on another floor in their own house. Girls that commit seppuku after farting.

Number of times I've held a woman's hand for stability purposes as she's squatted to offload some Gatorade while doing some longer hikes in public parks: 2.

...

I can't be around you if you don't like to make your own sound effects for everyday tasks. Life is too short to be without a stapler that goes NOM NOM NOM.

 

This whole thread is a wise one indeed. Great list of "deal breakers!"

 

That depends on how it's handled. Some people are naturally crude, you get used to it & accept it. Some folks are intentially crude.

In a dating situation I wouldn't want to hear a woman fart, then exclaim, "Whew, that's a wet one!".

 

I suppose I should have clarified a bit—"gross" was intended in the tamest, most universal way possible, e.g. everybody pees, everybody shits, everybody burps, everybody farts, everybody sweats, humans are hairy, women get their period, men ... do other things.

And so on.

 

This is true. And somehow a significant proportion of us have accepted that our bodies and the things that they do are gross. I'm not sure why that is, but it is for sure that denying the fact of our natural state is a quadbildren dollar industry - worldwide. This is the sort of thing I lie in bed and think about at night.

I've gotten so used to dealing with people (and animals) and their shit and piss and vomit and blood and the smells that come off of them that I don't even think about it in terms of 'gross' anymore. Our bodies are really pretty fantastic (wondrous) when they are functioning as they should and we should have a more thoughtful reaction to the minor consequences of being able to eat a delicious meal or enjoy an exquisitely piquant saison. When you really think about it, our overwrought reaction to the byproducts of our bodies' metabolic/digestive processes seems more like a form of self-loathing.