Online Dating

So after ending a bad relationship and taking some time for myself, I've dipped my toes into the fascinating world of online dating.

I have a date Wednesday with a man I met online. He, at this point, appears to be sane. But I fear I'm a bad judge of character, if my last relationship and subsequent marriage are any indicator.

I feel pretty comfortable in terms of where we are meeting and am actually relieved that there is a definite time limit. So as far as safety goes, I'm not worried.

But I am nervous about the conversation part. What should/shouldn't I discuss? Current events are fine, but I'd really like to gain some useful information to help me determine if he has any skeletons in the closet that should have me running for the hills.

This is what I know:
He's 36
A speech therapist
He was married for a couple of years but has been divorced for over 10
He is currently living with his parents (this is a big of a red flag for me. I have to wonder why.)
He used to be into theatre I guess in college, but not anymore.
By his own account, his relationship with his dad has always been tumultuous. Again, makes me wonder why he's living there.


That's about all I know. And now I see how much I really don't know.

How do you handle first dates, online dating and the like? How to you find out the core of a person without making it obvious you're doing so.

Am I over thinking this? Maybe it's just dinner.

 

I haven't dated in probably 20 years, as I am newly divorced and uninterested at the moment. So I got this from eHarmony:
1. Who has been the biggest influence in your life?
2. What kinds of things really make you laugh?
3. What’s your favorite place in the entire world?
4. Who is your best friend? What do you like about him/her?
5. Favorite movie of all time? Why so?
6. What’s your biggest goal in life right now?
7. What is your favorite way to spend a Saturday?
8. Do you have any pet peeves?
9. What was your family like growing up?
10. What were you like as a kid?
11. What should I know about you that I’d never think to ask about?
12. Did you—or do you—have a nickname? What’s the story behind it?
13. Who was your favorite schoolteacher or college professor? Why?
14. Have you figured out your calling in life? What is it?
15. What do you hate most about the dating process? (Tell me so I can avoid it!)
I haven't had time to think out what many "good" answers would be, but you might think ahead of time what would be red flags or golden eggs. Have you tried Googling his name? I haven't learned how to (or needed) investigate people online, but I have heard it is a good idea.
The tumultuous relationship with his father would be a big question mark for me. Call my cynical (and I am right now) my first impression is that either a) his father has his junk together and this guy does not, b) his father is an ass, which this guy may or may not have learned. How does he get along with his mother? I would specifically ask about her. If she is a "wonderful woman who does everything for everybody" like my ex-mother-in-law: ask about charities or such he has volunteered for (either $ or time). I would try to find out if he learned to be caring like her, or if he learned to expect people to do everything for him.

 

These are all very good points and suggestions. Yep, it's just dinner. And he let me choose where we're going because he wanted me to be comfortable. Maybe a small detail, but very much appreciated.

I think some of those questions will be great ice breakers if there's a lull in the conversation. Or even if there's not.

Good idea to ask about his mom, specifically. To date, he has not really mentioned her, but I do know his parents are still married.

Neither of you mentioned anything about him living with his parents. Is this not a big deal?

 

Noted.

 

How expensive are houses where you live? If they are $500,000+, then I don't blame him for living with his parents. At this point in my life, I would rather live with the parents than with roommates.

As for on-line dating, I have mixed opinions on it. It is nice to know that the person you are messaging is interested in a relationship and isn't (usually) in a relationship. And it is really nice knowing ahead of time where they stand on some of the big issues. I think some of them go a little too far into the small details, and if someone rejects you because you don't like cats or something trivial, that is weird. I also think there are a lot of fake female profiles on the sites. Both to drive traffic to the site, and to make things a little more even. I also think it matters a lot based on what city you live in, and if it is a small one or a big one.

 

I'll second this.
There's lots to learn about this fella but most of it isn't going to happen on the first date.
I would use the first date to see if there's any spark between the two of you, and if you are compatible in a broadly defined way.
But prying into his relationship with his parents is not first (or second) date material.

 

Agreed. What I do know, he offered without me asking.

The living at home thing probably bothers me due to the fact that my ex did (and now does again), but not because he's saving money to get a place but because he's irresponsible and cannot manage his finances in order to get his own place. I've gotta remember this is a different person.

 

My brother has had online dating experiences - good and bad. I always wonder "How would I know this person isn't a serial killer?" - I've watched too many Lifetime movies LOL But now they could be one of those starry-eyed couples on the TV dating services ads.
He met his wife on-line and have been married several years now, just decided to try having a baby. I must say she is one of the sweetest, funniest women he's ever been with - I am so glad for both of them. He even gets along well with his in-laws. One of those happy endings we all love to hear about in romances. May their happiness last thruout life.

 

Ahhhhhh! I have another question for you all! Should I expect him to pay? How should I handle that?

 

The Pew Center just released a survey on Online Dating and Relationships.

I've never tried online dating myself, but I've heard of more positive experiences than negative from friends and colleagues.

The use of social networking is also interesting ("vetting" potential dates on social networking site or posting details of dates)

And this on digital break-ups caught my eye as well:

 

redux
That's some great research and information. I'm sure many members, along with myself, appreciate your work.
I was a bit surprised at some of the numbers - 23% end up in committed relationships - not too bad when you consider how difficult long distance relationships can be, especially when getting to know someone.
I was shocked at the stats regarding break-ups and would never have guessed some of them.
An excellent post regarding this subject IMHO.

 

Thanks, but it is not my work.

The Pew Research Center does a nice job of tracking a variety of timely issues. (eg this is scary: 30% of US population now gets their news from Facebook. )

 

redux

Yes, many have lost faith in the main stream media for not being like the legendary investigative journalist who uncovered so much in the past and feel media either fears or is complicit with govt.
So, a multitude of amateur news sites have cropped up, which doesn't always work so well -
for both sides.
But I follow several of these type organizations because they post local news in their area of things I wouldn't normally see on national news. Or friends send me the links with remarks.

I have always hated politics - too dirty for me. But being homebound, I began to watch news more. My son says I need to just stop. LOL I get so angry over some of Congress and WH's actions, yet cannot do anything but rage at the corruption and lack of consideration for people who elected them to be represented not ridiculed or screwed over. Darn, I think I'm off topic.
Sorry.

What temperature do you think the White House thermostat is set on?

 

Ah. Thus the sudden discussions about whether black and purple polka dot lions exist.

I once dated a guy who lived in a mobile home on his parents' property. Worked full time as an IT guy and a bank headquarters. Turned out his father was an almost retired truck driver (not home often), and his deaf mother took care of her own deaf aging mother on the same property. On several acres out in the country. Seemed like a good idea for him to be there.

There could be many reasons for staying with one's parents in this day, so I didn't bring it up. I like the questions about best friends. If his bff (hate that term) are lazy bums that would tell you something.

 

I have had 2 successful relationships which came from online dating so who knows, anything is possible, some good people do tend to to turn to online dating as well.

 

My brother was lucky this last time with his on-line dating and lived within a decent driving distance, so once they met and were interested in each other it wasn't difficult for them to go on dates frequently, spend enough time together over period of time for it to become like regular dating (instead of meeting somewhere when both can make it).....

(Due to current healthcare chaos, she went into research and enjoys it;
that's better if they are planning a family anyway instead of regular doctor's hours/on call)