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How would you like to receive difficult news?

Discussion in 'Tilted Life and Sexuality' started by snowy, Oct 28, 2013.

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  1. snowy

    snowy so kawaii Staff Member

    I've been on the receiving end twice this week of difficult news. On Wednesday night, I received a phone call about one death. On Sunday morning, I received a text message to inform me of the other death. I preferred hearing the news via phone call. I know the circumstances involved with the second may have precluded a phone call, as it might have been too difficult for the person responsible for telling us the news. However, a text message seemed a bit cold. Okay, it seemed really cold.

    What do you think? If someone in your life, someone you loved very much, passed away, how would you like to find out?
     
    snowy, Oct 28, 2013
    #1
  2. PonyPotato

    PonyPotato Very Tilted

    Location:
    Columbus, OH
    I found out about my dad's passing with a phone call. The worst part was that I had called my mother to wish her a happy birthday.

    Definitely better than a text message.
     
    PonyPotato, Oct 28, 2013
    #2
  3. Borla

    Borla Moderator Staff Member

    In person or a phone call. I agree that text is too informal or cold for that type of news.

    If it was someone you barely knew, that would be different.
     
    Borla, Oct 28, 2013
    #3
    • Like Like x 1
  4. Plan9

    Plan9 Rock 'n Roll

    Location:
    Earth
    As soon as possible with as little sobbing/blithering as possible so I can deal with it. I like to fix things quickly.

    The communication medium doesn't particularly matter but I'd prefer a phone call and I'd like them to be totally straight with me.

    The single biggest frustration of dealing with my father's funeral was the fact that the rest of my family was basically useless, provided no communication.

    Modern Life (TM) doesn't give a shit about your grieving. You've got a work schedule and numerous obligations to fulfill elsewhere. A death in the family is a huge hassle.

    When bad things happen, I prefer the facts and the courses of action I have available. Just lay it out so I can make a choice quickly. I've got the rest of my life to deal with it emotionally.
     
    Last edited: Oct 28, 2013
    Plan9, Oct 28, 2013
    #4
    • Like Like x 1
  5. Baraka_Guru

    Baraka_Guru Möderätor Staff Member

    Location:
    Toronto
    If it's not practical to do it in person, it should be a phone call; if it's not practical as a phone call, it should be a mailed letter (handwritten is a nice touch unless formality dictates it being typewritten).

    It depends somewhat on the news itself and the parties involved.

    By "difficult news," I also assume things such as: serious injury/illness, firing someone/laying someone off, breaking up with someone/getting divorced, etc. All of these are serious life-changing events and should be communicated as such.

    Anyone who gives difficult news via email, text, social media (!), etc., may not realize how insensitive and distanced this may seem to those receiving it.

    Unfortunately, we live in a time when mass communications of various methods are at our fingertips at all times, so people tend to overlook the value and significance of certain messages sent via certain communication channels.

    Such is the way things have unfolded during this current phase of technological development.
     
    Baraka_Guru, Oct 28, 2013
    #5
    • Like Like x 1
  6. snowy

    snowy so kawaii Staff Member


    That's been totally untrue in my experience. Pretty much everyone has told me to take the time I need--even though I'm 4.5 weeks from graduating, in the middle of my Master's thesis, and dealing with a full-time practicum as well as a part-time job. Yes, I'll be back at work tomorrow, but part of that's because I miss my kids, and I know they'll cheer me up.
     
    snowy, Oct 28, 2013
    #6
  7. GeneticShift

    GeneticShift Show me your everything is okay face.

    Location:
    The land of drugs, violence, and 8 Mile Road
    Phone call, at the very least, and quick like ripping off a band-aid.

    I don't need the flowery lead in and fade out. Just tell me before I rip your head off.
     
    GeneticShift, Oct 28, 2013
    #7
  8. Plan9

    Plan9 Rock 'n Roll

    Location:
    Earth
    Well, we do exist in different worlds. I'm sure many jobs are more flexible than mine.
     
    Plan9, Oct 28, 2013
    #8
  9. genuinemommy

    genuinemommy Moderator Staff Member

    That is a very good question.
    I live on the other side of the country from the rest of my family, and my mother is a cancer patient. I dread waking up one day to find out something bad has happened and I'm not there.
    I want a phone call as soon as possible.
    If a phone call is not possible, I want an e-mail.
    I don't look at text messages very frequently, and am likely to not notice a message for up to 3 weeks.

    I like hand-written letters, but I really don't want to wait that long to hear if a loved one has passed.
    I don't want strangers knocking on my door to tell me. I don't want people I know to have to drive out of their way to tell people in person. I want a phone call.
     
    genuinemommy, Oct 28, 2013
    #9
  10. amonkie

    amonkie Very Tilted

    Location:
    Windy City
    I guess I differ from the crowd in that I prefer some form of written communication - then again, I'm deaf. I really really don't like when I mishear what people say and assume the better or worse, or have to fight through tears/crying/incoherency in order to understand what is going on.

    Text to me is really no different than being on a relay call and seeing the words appear across the screen on a TTY. I also like to have some space to process my own emotions privately, and I can't do that with the other person on the phone.

    On the other hand, if I'm being called to action due to bad news, then I WOULD prefer a phone call. I have a gift in being able to be clear headed, compassionate, yet direct and effective for others in times of crisis, and in those situations I kind of take command and get people moving. I obviously can't do that in 1 sided communication.
     
    amonkie, Oct 28, 2013
    #10
    • Like Like x 1
  11. THEPRISEINFERNO

    ThePriseInferno Slightly Tilted

    Words. Verbal words.

    Words can get emotion across that might not be present in text-based communication. Sometimes that hint of emotion is enough to keep you from completely breaking.

    And for the love of Dog, give it to me straight. Don't beat around the bush, don't make me work to figure out what you're trying to say.
     
    ThePriseInferno, Oct 28, 2013
    #11
  12. mixedmedia

    mixedmedia ...

    Location:
    Florida
    I'm not sure what would inspire someone to send news about a death through text message. Just the act of typing something like that out on that tiny fucking keyboard calls an absurd image to mind.

    I'd prefer a phone call and I do prefer to hear facts over emotional distress. What, when, why, where and how and if you don't know who does?
     
    mixedmedia, Oct 28, 2013
    #12
  13. MeltedMetalGlob

    MeltedMetalGlob Resident Loser Donor

    Location:
    Who cares, really?
    I like to get my bad news in this manner whenever possible:
    [​IMG]

    Believe me, it helps immensely. ;)
     
    Last edited: Aug 28, 2018
    MeltedMetalGlob, Oct 28, 2013
    #13
    • Like Like x 3
  14. Fangirl

    Fangirl Very Tilted

    Location:
    Arizona
    Yeah, phone call. Keep it short and to the point as I'll need to act quickly.
    My 83-year dad lives 700 miles away with no family between here and there. The call is gonna come. And it'll most likely be from a stranger. A text message would be like a punch to the gut.
     
    Last edited: Oct 29, 2013
    Fangirl, Oct 29, 2013
    #14
  15. Remixer

    Remixer Middle Eastern Doofus

    Location:
    Frankfurt, Germany
    I in person when it comes to people I have been close with. By far.

    Next to that would be a supportive phone call.

    And as a last venue, a lengthy email. I guess.
     
    Remixer, Oct 29, 2013
    #15
  16. rogue49

    rogue49 Tech Kung Fu Artist Staff Member

    Location:
    Baltimore/DC
    immediate
    honest
    detailed

    I hate not knowing.
     
    rogue49, Oct 29, 2013
    #16
  17. Fremen

    Fremen Allright, who stole my mustache?

    Location:
    E. Texas
    My sister and her daughter found out on Facebook that her daughter's paternal grandma was seriously ill and in the hospital.
    My sister was very unhappy (to say the least) to find out that way, especially since my niece had just been grieving over the loss of her grandpa this past Summer.

    I would want to be told of bad news in person, or at the least over the phone.
     
    Fremen, Oct 29, 2013
    #17
  18. Chris Noyb

    Chris Noyb Get in, buckle up, hang on, & be quiet.

    Location:
    Large City, TX
    By phone, straight to the point.

    Of course STTP depends greatly on the nature of the bad news and how the messenger handles it.
     
    Chris Noyb, Oct 29, 2013
    #18
  19. omega

    omega Very Tilted

    To the point, and by person first, then phone call.
     
    omega, Oct 29, 2013
    #19
  20. Stan

    Stan Resident Dumbass

    Location:
    Colorado
    My wife is an RN. I got my cancer diagnosis from my wife because the doctor talked to her and gave her the news, rather than me.

    That's pretty much how not to do it. I fired the doctor that discovered my cancer.

    I want bad news verbally and I want the opportunity to ask questions. Email and second-hand are unacceptable.
     
    Stan, Oct 29, 2013
    #20
    • Like Like x 2
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