I feel so alone

You never will return to who you used to be. You can't. Your experiences have shaped you as an individual. You can only move on from here, taking your past experiences and building a new life for yourself.

 

“Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.” ​

―Pema Chödrön, Comfortable with Uncertainty​

I've been through a similar situation as yours, except it was seven years. (And she also went on to what seems to be a happy life with a marriage and a couple of kids.)

I think the biggest thing to acknowledge is the profound fallout of getting out of an emotionally abusive relationship: You lack a sense of self.

Emotionally abusive relationships hurt your sense of self, and so you are struggling with self-esteem and self-worth issues.

It's not easy, so prepare for a journey. It's been over a decade since my abusive relationship, and I'm still dealing with the baggage.

I don't want to get into too much detail, because your journey will be different from mine, so I'll just hit on some broad key points that I think will help because they have helped me. Some of these might be difficult to accept or try, and you might find them hurtful or repulsive to even think about at first, but in time, I hope you will see their value.

• Building a sense of self requires a number of things, but important aspects are: Accepting who you are and where you are; know that you are already a complete person but that there are hurtful things standing in your way; learn first-hand that your journey will include both longing and letting go but that the latter is preferable.
• Comparing yourself to others does you no good.
• Learn how to do what's good for you. This will include a lot of trial and error, but you should learn soon enough that some things might seem desirable but are actually harmful, while some things that seem difficult and painful are actually beneficial.
• Learn how to connect with others for the greater good. I still struggle with this, mostly because I'm an introvert, but forming strong relationships through helping others will help you (it's difficult to explain, but the below resources will help).
• Guilt is toxic, and you might not even realize it's driving your choices (or lack of action). Learn to let go of it as you learn how to do what is good for you.
• Forgiveness. It's hard. I'm not quite there yet after a decade. But I'm working on it. Key point: Those who are abusive are most likely suffering themselves. No one who is mentally, emotionally, psychologically sound wants to harm another intentionally, especially not someone they ostensibly love. I believe that most, if not all, abusers are the way they are because they deeply hate themselves and take it out on others in their tragic ignorance. Learning to be compassionate regarding this phenomenon is a key part of the act of forgiving those who have hurt you. This is probably the biggest piece of the puzzle with respect to accepting the reality of your situation (namely, the past relationship vs. your journey regarding your selfhood). Clinging to the idea that someone hurt you and refusing to let go of the associated anger or fear or disappointment is also very toxic. Letting go is difficult but necessary.

As I said, this isn't easy. It never is. In life, we want to rid ourselves of pain and suffering, but they're inevitable, so it's much better to learn how to deal with these.

Despite your spiritual or religious beliefs, you may find basic Buddhist philosophy helpful in your endeavours. I was raised non-religious and I'm an atheist, but I've found that Buddhism at its core is foundational to understanding our own personal human psychology without it being too self-helpy, scientific/technical, or therapy-minded. Someone who has survived abuse, and someone struggling with self-worth issues, can benefit immensely from a basic understanding of the mind through core Buddhist practices.

I'll recommend a few of books. Two are overviews of Buddhism at its core (not focusing on the different schools), while the other is a book by a Buddhist monk that can help anyone despite their belief system. 1) Buddhism Without Beliefs (Stephen Batchelor) & Buddhism Plain and Simple (Steve Hagen), 2) Comfortable with Uncertainty (Pema Chödrön).

The first two are good easy-to-read overviews of Buddhist thought. It goes through an understanding of our suffering and how we can work to overcome it. The third book, Comfortable with Uncertainty, I recommend getting on audiobook. It really sets into your mind to hear another voice speaking the wisdom to you. So many lights go on in my head when I listen to this book (I've heard it a few times now, and each time I'm reminded of things I've forgotten and realize things I've missed previous times). However, reading one of the first two will help make the third book make the most sense.

If all this Buddhist stuff makes you uncomfortable (I will maintain that most people misunderstand what Buddhism is, so I highly recommend at least giving it a chance—Buddhist philosophy is compatible with virtually any belief system/religion), at least try a couple of books by Jon Kabat-Zinn, who is a renowned teacher/academic of mindfulness meditation. It's a more secular approach to the same idea, though I'll admit that it's so similar to core Buddhism that I consider them part and parcel of the same practices.

Try the following:

• Wherever You Go, There You Are: Mindfulness Meditation in Everyday Life
• Full Catastrophe Living: Using the Wisdom of Your Body and Mind to Face Stress, Pain, and Illness

He also has a good guided meditation CD: Guided Mindfulness Meditation.

Anyway, I'll stop here, and I'll close with this:

It won't be easy, and it won't be quick. Chasing after things because they seem quick and easy may only waste your time. As Buddha taught: Doing what is good for us is difficult; doing what is harmful is easy. Go into this for the long haul; make it a part of your new lifestyle. Take things one day at a time, and remember that the TFP community is here to listen to you should you wish to talk about things.

Good luck, and remember: You are never alone.

 

Been there, done that...

Listen, it's your life...enjoy it for yourself.
Bring some people around you that appreciates you...enjoy them.

It doesn't happen overnight like in the stories or Hollywood, it does take some time. Pain comes in waves, but so do the good times.
But bit by bit, step by step...you get yourself back.
Then live YOUR life.

Their loss.
Fuck'em