I can't be around you if...

I searched around for a thread like this, but couldn't find one, so here we go!

A lot of working at my store is standing around shooting the shit with my coworkers. Today became an hour long conversations of dealbreakers: friendship, relationship, whatever.



I have a few (other than the standards most people have like cheating, pathological liar, murderer, major drug addict, so on):

I can't date/be friends with you if you're rude to waitstaff or those in a service position. If you're stuck up and entitled to those who you view in a position below you for the sole purpose of asserting yourself as a more important person, I hate being around you.

I can't be friends with you if you're a homophobe (duh.).

I can't date you if you ignore me in public.

We can't date and probably won't be friends if you don't think I'm funny. This isn't me being egotistical, but I know I'm fucking weird. I make weird, dumb, jokes and I'm not planning on stopping anytime soon. If you don't find them funny or at least endearing, we're not going to work ever.

If you're more than a social smoker. I can't say smoking in general, because that would be hypocritical as I sometimes drink too much and smoke.

I can't date you if you don't read for pleasure. I get swept up in books. I cry during books. I'll reread a book that made me cry several times hoping that the ending will have changed since the last time I read it. If you don't read for fun, there's a very important part of me that will be left out.

We can't date if you don't understand that I need time to myself. Without you. I'm not mad, I just want like, an hour of GS time, please.



Our conversation at work got goofy, serious, and interesting. Do you have any major dealbreakers, or can you look over most things in your interpersonal relationships for the sake of other "positives"?

 

Oh, lookit you Mrs Fancy schmancy pants with standards .... must be nice.

j/k

My standards. I must like you. Must have car. Must have job. I can ease up on those standards pending extenuating circumstances. Shit like you are injured and can not work but only recently and have not been out of work for the past 6 months. Or if you are in college. Or if there is abundant public transportation, you know ... Car makes me feel like you're somewhat in control of certain aspects of your life. Job makes me feel like your stable and can meet other people's expectations.

The liking you part is really a no brainer.

 

I endorse this list heartily—good thing, right? Um. Yeah.

Expanding on this point, I can't date you if what you do or say to me makes it unreasonably difficult for me to feel comfortable being myself—the random, dorky, oftentimes bombastic and scatterbrained weirdo that I am—around you (and/or your friends). In saying that, I fully understand that I am responsible for how I feel about myself. Where that becomes your problem—and our problem—is if you are constantly questioning what I do and how I do it, or if you regularly make fun of, demean, or belittle what I do or say and how I do or say it, even with the best possible intentions. As far as I'm concerned, this constitutes emotional abuse. I've already been down that road and put up with that sort of crap for far too long, and I'm not doing it again.

 

We can't date if you hate animals.
--- merged: Sep 30, 2013 3:45 AM ---

Note I said nothing about physical appearance, what type of job, what kind of money they make, and so on.

I may be fancy, but at least I'm not shallow.

 

Again, on the same wavelength. Expanding on this too, I can't date or be friends with you—or really take you seriously at all—if you don't respect the environment. If you're all about cranking up the air conditioning on a perfectly seasonable day instead of opening the windows and turning on some fans, I'm not going to want to have much to do with you. If you're a litterbug or wasteful with resources, I'll be looking elsewhere. If you doubt the veracity of science in general and of humanity's impact on the planet, then have a nice day, but not in my company.

And if you insist on having a bajillion kids to carry on your own genetic legacy, keep looking for someone to raise them with because that person won't be me.

 

I found you the perfect man.

 

Get in line and take a number, sir.

 

Always the people are find "likable" are obviously people which have a corresponding sense of humor and a general sense of life, to which I can talk about everything, there are not sharp deal breakers here just a general "feeling good together". Probably I cannot feel it with people with very radical ideas like homophobic, racism, personal egotistic superiority and other things the OP said. Maybe also militant anti-scientific is not something I can live with... These probably are the "deal-breakers" even if I never thought about that in these terms (there is not even a translation in Italian for it), for me is more of a general common ground...
Respect to the relationship usually I demand that you give me consideration, not much more, not much less. If you are abroad, write me well and often. If you are close, come by when you can.
Then how much consideration you've got to have depend on the stage of our relationship. If we just met you can put me between your favorite sport and pilates, if you want to merry me just put above everything and I will never ask to give up anything if I don't desperately need you in that moment.
For the rest always depends on context and "for what".

For my life-mate there is fundamentally two requirement,s other than obviously liking each other, that are
- complete utter honesty
- "have a dream and take the courage to live it" even if it takes her physically away from me. All the rest come consequently: since you have this dream you usually don't waste time in plain dumb or even dangerous activity, like binge drinking every weekend or heavily abusing drugs...etc...

For a reasonable well adjusted short-term relationship, other than the "likable" requisites, there is not much more. Being available reasonably often (see up), and, if we have a true relationship, don't cheat me (note: in the case above I can be, in principle, open to open relationships, but honesty demand not cheating but asking... In this case probably not even that).

For friends-with-benefits and one/few-nights stands, well just be friendly and don't be a criminal...

 

...you are extremely conservative and/or can't shut up about Obama, poor people, guns, abortion, foreigners, your money, etc.
...you are extremely religious and/or can't shut up about my eternal soul.
...you don't believe in science.
...you don't like animals (borrowing that one).
...you don't have anything more interesting to talk about than the last Maroon 5 album.
...you aren't curious.
...you have a banal or absent sense of humor.
...you don't respond to art.
...you don't like music (they're out there, and they're weird).
...you are afraid to make waves/question authority/carve your own path
...you are a self-described victim

that's a few of them...

 

I find racism to be a great divider. While we all have our prejudices (I certainly do), I don't like dealing with people who automatically dismiss others based on their skin color, ethnicity, etc.

 

Music. You must have decent taste in music. If I can't stand the electronica pap you burn your earholes with, we're done (true story). We don't have to like the same bands or even the same genres, but you're going to want to listen to music, and I'm going to have to suffer through it. If I can't do that and stay sane, sorry.

You have to tolerate my sports obsessions. You don't have to watch or join in, but you can't mock me for it. Especially when the Vols lose.

 

if you smell bad
if you have a narrow vision of the world
if you only have one topic of conversation (cars, sport, politics)
if you arent a little different

 

I sort of made a list back when I was on Match.com.

One of the biggest things was I wouldn't date someone who did not have a passport and had used it at least once.

If you are a drama magnet, I will repel you.

 

If you're pompous, ungrateful, rude, inconsiderate, not respectful, an ass. If you act like an uneducated fool with no manners, no etiquette. If you feel entitled, deserving of special treatment, superior.