Who do you lean on?

I don't know how to lean on anyone else. I haven't had good experience in the past trying to.

 

I very, very rarely lose my composure to lean on someone other than myself.

It's something that happens maybe once every 1-3 years and during the past decade there has been three people in my life that happened to be in the right place at the right time with the right level of closeness that allowed me for a fleeting moment to tear myself from my normal routine of keeping things in and confiding things I am so insecure about confiding, that I am disliking even the thought of it very much right now.

Those three people were my German friend (BFF <3), my father and my SO.

I don't know about the others on here that seem to be similar in this respect, but it is an extremely alien feeling to me whenever it happens. It's generally very hard for me to show weakness, mainly because the impression my personality creates is that of an open, intimate personality but not really one where true weaknesses ever come up.

Simply writing this post took me over 2 hours of contemplating whether to bother with admitting that I show raw, nekkid weakness at all... as if I'm breaking some cardinal rule of my own kingdom.

Fuck it.

 

I have been thinking about this. There is a difference between leaning on someone emotionally and mentally and being able to rely on people to help you out.

For example, my brother is a mechanic and owns his own garage. When I lived in Canada and owned a car, I could always rely on him for car maintenance. This extended to the point where he would come to get me if the car broke down on the side of the road. I can also rely on his handyman skills.

I can rely on certain friends to give me a very good laugh just when I need it.

I can rely on my wife for all kinds of support. We lean on each other and it's a good partnership.

All of this kind of leaning is a lot different from what I was talking about earlier and I can say that I lean on and am leaned on in return in many ways like this. It's what we all do unless we are completely misanthropic. We see something that needs doing and we do it. If we are lucky, we have people there to help us fix the broken car when we need it.

 

This dude.



Best friend, confidant, ex-boyfriend, ex-lover. He's kinda everything to me.

 

I lean on many people - my kids, my sister, my parents, a few friends - and it is very easy for me. It is so easy for me that I even reveal things about myself here that I probably shouldn't. I trust *too* easily. Then again, it's not something that I am apt to try and change about myself.

 

I'm more a leanee than a leaner. I've had to learn to lean on my husband more in the past year, especially going through the trauma of the Match this year. That emotional devastation required some additional support. I'm spending the next year alone in Louisiana. I will likely turn inside when he's not visiting, just as I survived the 27 years before I met him. I have friends that I can share enough to keep me sane, but not with the heavy stuff. That stuff lives in the dark corner, with a tarp thrown over it... I check on it every once in awhile.

 

The more I am reading these posts, the more I am realizing this appears to be quite common. It's good to know I am not alone in this.

(Also, I really like your tarp image. Nice one)

 

I don't believe in dark hidden things. Not saying that the reasonable alternative is to blab to everyone about your personal experiences. But things that are dark and hidden tend to be magnified in the mind. I have painful, traumatic experiences in my life - some I have talked about here, others I have not. I like to keep them in the light, though, where I can see them. They are a part of me just as much as the good things.

 

I agree that they are part of us. My point, and I think the point about the tarp, is that you don't share it with others. There are parts we share and there are parts that just don't come out.

I am sure there are those who can share everything, but I am also sure that everyone (everyone) holds back something.

 

The tarp just keeps them from tumbling out everywhere. They can still breathe (therefore, so can i), but are protected from fallout from the other things in life and the white-hot sun of daily stressors.

 

That is for sure. I definitely hold things back...in certain situations. But there are people who know everything about me. This I regret in one or two instances. But it's also nice to realize that people can love you despite your damage and bugaboos. It's kind of freeing. That said, we all have to travel the road the with our baggage stowed in our own way. This I understand. Just sharing my experience with it all.

 

I have a place under the tarp that has another tarp. I'm a private person. In a way I'm glad I've never met anyone here because of that. But someday I will.

 

Hey, TFP... what do you lean on?

...

I generally lean on random strangers on the Intarblogz because it would be unacceptable to show weakness and indecision to those I know in real life.

Been posting anonymous blogs since my testicles dropped and the black hole that is the WWW has always helped me vent anger and anxiety, loneliness and bitterness.

Hell, it's how I found TFP in the first place. I was looking for a goddamn divorce support website and somehow ended up at this clown parade. I didn't have anywhere else to go, really.

Problem is, perhaps, that those anonymous Intarblogz people somehow become real people in real life and continue bear the burden of listening to me whine all the goddamn time. Like DamnitAll.

Sorry, DamnitAll--I know it's been a long decade.

 

Myself I guess for the heavy emotional stuff, although I've been pretty fortunate in that department. It's the benefit of having a very small extended family and a comfortable job. Aging parents on the horizon so we'll see how that goes.

For lighter stuff, my wife of course. For example, if I'm at a party that I'm not into, she's my island.

 

It's probably a character flaw; but no one, really. I've always prided myself on independence and self-reliance, I don't need, anyone.

There are lot's of people that I tend to bounce ideas off of (including this site); but I'm just as likely to blow off advice as take it.

 

It's been worth it, believe me.

 

It seems as though I spent a large portion of my younger life being the rock, the one people lean ON, not the one needing support. Overall, those that I typically surrounded myself with, always had me there to lean on, but could not be counted on when I needed them. I've been told people that find themselves in my situation support-wise are just martyrs that enjoy saying they have no one to lean on but are always there for others. I assure you, that's not the case.

Even the mountain will tumble if shaken enough. My seemingly unflappable, diamond-hard mountain of self was pulverized into dust by the earthquake of "Ms. R...... I'm so sorry, but there's nothing we could have done....." the world went grey and years later I still can't tell you how I got through the next week or two, other than it was without the ones that should have been there, there.

In the nervous breakdown that followed, sure, my parents, how to put it... "hosted me in their home" but there is an enormous difference between people that are there to hold you while you want nothing more than to die yourself, and people that want you to "snap out of it and get back to your life" and are quite comfortable with voicing their opinion that you are "weak" and that they just want you to "get over it" so THEIR lives can return to normal.

I am thankful daily to whatever powers that be that imbued my genetic makeup with the stereotypical German stubbornness, because I credit my continued existence to that, not the meager "support" that was gleaned from the few that considered themselves unlucky enough to be "stuck with me" while I worked my way through that time in my life.

13 years later, my world is a somewhat different place. I have my wits about me once again, and a partner I adore. We have our issues as any couple does, but after so many years of my life spent in great part, without a proper support system - I find myself with someone who in light of day or black of night is there, palm out, hopeful eyes locked on mine, wanting to be there for whatever passes that might move me to reach out and slip my hand into theirs, and I am thankful.

 

I always thought I didn't need anyone. Then I hit the last 2 years of my life, and I suffered more than I really needed to because I had insulated myself to the point where I *had* no one else to lean on, or so I thought.

People began to amaze me and come forward saying they were just returning the favor.

It is definitely true I that would deflect from talking about my life and my issues by enveloping myself in the task of supporting everyone else's. It makes for a lonely time. I would say I lean on my husband, but sometimes the very things we need to lean on about revolve very closely around a significant other, and you need a bit more space or you'll suffocate both.