Monumental Moments

I was thinking that different decades bring monumental moments in life.

When I was in my 20s, many of our friends were getting married.
When I was in my 30s, many started having kids.
Now, in my 40s, I am starting to see a number of my friends (and family) getting cancer.


I know that I am generalising when write this. In fact, I got married and had kids in my 20s (we were outliers). Also, I don't know if it's just a yellow car thing (you drive everyday and never see a yellow car but someone points to one and then you start seeing them everywhere) and you see the patterns because we are conditioned too. Regardless, I am sensing some patterns and, I know too many people who have been getting cancer.

How about you? Do you see these patterns? Do you see other ones?

I know there are simple explanations for these things, starting life, making life, ending life, but it just kind of weirded me out and wanted to see you some of you think.

 

I noticed something similar a few years back with school classmates. For some reason, a lot of them died unexpectedly while in our 20's (accidents, suicides, etc.). Then, when we hit our 40's, another significant batch of them got cancer, as you reported.

 

I've recently realized that everyone I know around my age either recently had kids, or will be having kids soon. This matches up (mostly) with the "everyone I know is getting married" feeling I got a few years back.

Seriously, though, kids everywhere.

 

It just kind of happens... for reasons.

We joined the kid-having-30somethings when we had our second kid. Prior to that, we were always the youngest parents in the room. Pre-natal classes were taken with a bunch of lawyers, accountants, etc. I was a bike courier. As I said, we were outliers for our group of friends.

 

I noticed a pattern of a *lot* of my old school mates going to jail/prison a few years ago.
Not sure what that says about my town/and or school system, but I sometimes feel I escaped a rougher fate by the skin of my teeth.

 

I'm in a younger generation set, but I see a lot of people skipping the getting married phase and skipping straight to the having babies phase.

That's not to say there isn't a lot of getting married people too. Every day someone new is announcing an engagement/pregnancy on Facebook, where my majority (90%ish?) age range is probably 22-30.

As someone who doesn't want children of my own and isn't planning on getting married for awhile, it's weird to see.

 

Divorces! Bring on the divorces!! More interesting, seasoned, damaged people to date!

...perhaps I'm projecting...

 

Or maybe you socialize with people spending a lot longer in school (post grad etc.)?

 

Funny that you mentioned school reunions. I went to my last one and almost everyone was fat, out of shape and sick looking. Not a nice picture.

 

Well, the big upside to having no friends is that I don't deal with them having illnesses or feeling out of sync with them. Family though--they are a given.

Patterns are interesting and for the longest time I did everything I could to avoid being part of any pattern (predictability).
I did do as you did, having a kid at age 23 and I did it in a trendy, affluent place with successful folks surrounding us in the pre-natal class. My then-spouse was a cement mason. I was 23 and Canadian-Caucasian, he 37 and Mexican-American.

Somehow now I've ended up appearing to be a typical middle-aged suburbanite. My biggest concern ATM is my kid getting into university--any university as he's been wait-listed at all 6.

But the inevitable patterns affect me/us.
My mom died 2 years ago, my SO lost his father to suicide last year.
Now we watch the Doomsday clock as my dad's health deteriorates and I sit here with his freshly-minted Last Will and Testament.

My eldest son is getting engaged, and marriage and kids are soon to follow (as they have stated) so I'm thinking about what the future will be like in grandparent mode. I'm excited about the whole set of events ahead.
My younger and only sib is non-traditional, too. He's on his third career, having attained a measure of success previously but not at the heights he wished. So soon we shall celebrate his graduation from Illinois' only School of Chiropractic and since he's got friends in high places I/ we shall attend the fanciest party of our lives in a fancy-pants home in a north-of-Chicago suburb.

So events affecting me are both a bit on the early side (having a kid young can make you a young grandparent).
On the very late side--a nearly 48-y.o. doctoral graduate brother.
On the 'right with the rest of my life-stage co-horts', a 20-y.o. son stressing about his educational prospects.

I have a very pragmatic attitude about disease that leads to death. Somehow the long, drawn out wasting away of my grandmother first from breast cancer that they didn't fully remove and then horribly, to lung cancer, has made me less vulnerable to the tragedy of it all. I was devastated by her loss for many years and then I simply integrated it into my book of life that as screenwriter Alan Ball put it in the final episode of his Six Feet Under series:

My mom's prolonged illness prior to her death cemented it. She was my first real loss in 40 years (the 1st was as mentioned, my grandma when I was 10--grandpa didn't count as he was 101 y.o. and kind of a dick) and it was such a relief when she finally let go.

So yeah, there is death but I prefer to put my energy into living, count my blessings--the strides that I and those I care for make, instead of my losses.

 

Glad you said this. I thought I've only noticed more pregnant women/new babies because I'm preggers. It's just a phenomena now.

The preggers people are all of all ages though. Mostly in their 30's, but a few 20 year olds.

I don't know if there are actually patterns. I think we see what we want to see.

 

Or maybe patterns = life stages.
Life stages change depending on lots of factors, the easiest to tick off being the life span changes of the last 100 years, medical advances and the inevitable societal changes that result from myriad factors.
Charlatan mentioned this and even though I agree completely it is still interesting to hear how we are alike and how we differ.

 

I got the baby making thing out of the way in my 20s, as well. I'm 57, some of the stereotypes seem accurate and others do not.

A lot of folks my age are finding themselves unemployed. I participated in this one.
A lot of cancer. I did this at 38.
A lot of grandkids. My offspring are doing their part.
A lot of people from my parents generation and my own are dying. I hate to dwell on it; but a awful lot of people that I look up to, are no longer around.

Many of my peers are slowing down. Nope, not gonna play along with this one. I have no intent of growing old gracefully.

 

Facebook, being the most accessible means of keeping up with the people I know—even if I never communicate directly with them—has become the most obvious indicator of where my peer group is in terms of major life milestones. Among friends and former classmates, my feed is dominated by engagement, wedding and baby photos, with the lattermost now outpacing the former by a wide margin. As someone who has chosen not to have kids of my own, I find myself becoming keenly aware of who hasn't yet reached that milestone, as evidenced by a lack of ultrasound snapshots, detailed testimonials of home birth (in one case, at least), photo after photo of baby clothing purchases, pregnancy counters, etc. Knowing what a permanently transformative experience childbirth is for parents, I find myself hoping, selfishly, that those who haven't yet have also chosen not to for the long term—especially if I count them among my closer friends.

It sounds shitty of me, but it's honest. Knowing I'll never be a parent and haven't the desire to do so, I also know that I will not ever be able to relate to parents on the level that they relate to each other. I'm okay with that—and that's not to say that I wouldn't relate to parents on any level—and am also grateful that a number of friends I've grown close to locally have chosen a path more similar to my own.

 

I'm 3 years older than Stan What he posted is nearly identical for me. Even participating in unemployment, damn it. I was for 17 months. I knew several in the industry that I am in that also were in their 50s and without a job. I think all are now employed but many are at a lesser level.

Haven't been surrounded by much cancer, our family seems to have avoided it but several friends have stared right into its eyes.

No grandchildren yet. Nearly all of our friends have them, though.

And yeah, the last one.... sigh. I've finally reached an age where death becomes more frequent. Before it was sporadic. Unexpected. But now the inevitability of it is bearing down, not just on me but of those around me. This is the single worst part of growing older. Everyone does as well.

I'm not going to slow down. Ever. I hope.

 

Don't.