Online Dating Etiquette....

I recently (1+ month ago) got out of a four year relationship and I definitely know I'm not ready for anything at all. A guy and I at work, were talking about joining Plenty of Fish just for shits and giggles to meet girls. Being an awkward person myself, I would have no clue how to play the dating game at all.... this guy is a ladies man so to put it lightly, I'm quality over quantity and he's the opposite. But what rules should there be, or my accurately, what tips would someone give me, I've never online dated before, so anything helpful would be great... also, what sort of information should I include to share to someone?

I'm a very reclusive person which is why I think I find some comfort at TFP because of how open it is. But in reality my people skills outside of the workplace are lacking, and I'm terrible at speaking my mind and causing problems... which is why I'm asking for tip, some helpful hints, because I only hate dating because I'm just honestly not that good at it. I'm not creating a pity party, but giving some background info... any help is good.

Thanks

 

Here's an example of things I used to receive in my inbox (Not a euphemism, I repeat, not a euphemism. Unless you're hot. And smart. And kinky as fuck.) that you shouldn't do when messaging someone of either sex:

Message #1:

Hi and helloo.... your words and your pictures ... really capture you...

for this friendly romance.... of mine.... you have become.

I'm John ....well unless the FBI or CIA is looking for me... ha ha

What's your name when the CIA is not looke for you?

Give us a chance for the romance and the long suffering there of... I am.

Masculinepassion

.......................

Message #2: (within a minute of the first)

Hi there...

What are doing? ... without me... ha ha

How was your day?

.......................

Message #3: (an hour later)

And just as you know..

These masculine lips have the expression ... of romance..

For you?

We can go out and not spend any money, some gas ok, but that's it.

What's your name? Feminine grace...

How was your day?

…………………..

My response:

These messages are really creeping me out.

 

My advice as a long time serial monogamist is that you not do this unless you're completely detached and just trying to get laid.

Otherwise you're just going to confuse yourself (wanting someone to be someone else) and probably hurt some girl's feelings.

I've posted all sorts of know-it-all crap on how to use dating sites on TFP 4.0. Was thinking about doing a grand copy pasta, but no.

Your four year relationship was twice as long as my longest relationship. I reckon you need time away from women for a bit.

Don't be the guy that goes on a date and bitches about his ex. Don't be the guy that goes on a date and is thinking about his ex.

Nobody is going to tell you when you're ready to move on, sure, but this type of haste is typical of idle hands desperation.

That whole tired breakup mantra of "Cut all Contact, Delete Facebook, Hit the Gym" is probably worth exploring here.

If you're merely interested in getting laid for relationship therapy, your ladies man buddy probably has all the protips.

 

I'm about as socially adept as the first guy.
Poetry do you have any good examples to share?

 

Online dating sites need to be taken with a grain of salt.

You do have the option with your profiles to lay out a little of what you're there for. The biggest gamble is the people you interact with. You may click, you may not. Know what you deem as a good time just hanging out, and what would be a "date". Figure out what you're there for, and then stick to it.

 

As far as I'm concerned, your next steps are clear. Sounds like your bigest answer is at the start of your post:"I definitely know I'm not ready for anything at all". Sounds like questions around 'how to date' are nt really on your agenda. Furthermore, when you DO feel ready to seek female company, will you be wanting to do it in the kind of atmospheres that he'd be likely to generate?
Also, tell me, Streak, your ladies-man friend, is he the one instigating this? I have scenarios and extrapolations in mind, but don't want to waste your thinking time until I've got your profile of him and the part he playes in your life and in all this.

Best wishes.

 

I'm all over the cut all contact as any contact we've had has resulted in screaming matches or general negativity. As far as getting rid of FB, I have family that lives far away and I chat with them over FB.... but I have restricted my ex in seeing everything or anything. I'm already an active person, hitting the gym is definitely in my future.

I have female friends that I hang out with already, so seeking anything outside of that or something more serious is not in my future as of right now. In all honesty, if I were to find someone on a dating site, I would flat out tell them that right now, is not a good time for a relationship, friendship possibly but nothing too committal.

My friend, we'll call him "A," A has not instigated this, we were talking about women and the different approach and view we have on women. Basically, both him and I are going away for work, roughly 10 hours north of where we live, and will be there for 14 days straight, 7 days off.... and his strategy was to have 3 ladies lined up so for those 7 days, allowing for some rest time as well. For me, I've sort of already got it in my head that anything before Christmas is rushing it, I want to understand what went wrong and evolve to become who I think I should be, rather than jump from relationship to relationship.

I don't know, I keep thinking about my health, physically and mentally through all this and I want to become stronger through the end of whats going on. I do have a lot of issues within myself, I think I've got a huge lack of confidence right now, that my self image isn't where it use to be and to accurately move forward would require a lot of growth on my part. The reason I picked Christmas, is because my mother is visiting and I have a few questions for her, as to how she dealt with stuff when my Dad and her divorced. Such as feeling lonely, is feeling anger an appropriate emotion in this situation... etc. but I digress, thats a whole other thread unto itself....

What would an appropriate approach be then? I would probably try to initiate conversation through a mutual interest or make a quip about something on their profile, more of a read and react type deal.

 

Streak, thanks a lot for this. What you've got with your friend is very different from what I had with a friend of mine some years ago. that's how I had been extrapolating. Thanks for clarifying. Y'know, you're confident about the time you need and what you're going to do in it - you've got your own evolving firmly in your sights. It's like you've brought your car in for a pit-stop, and you're going to give the crew what it needs to do a thorough job. Kudos and best wishes. And I've got all you said here firmly in my mind as background in case you start that other thread.

 

I think it'll be best left for a blog....

 

Hrm. Here are some of the ones I've responded to with notes(!). (I haven't cleaned out that mailbox in, well, ever.)

amputees are hot! want to watch while I dry hump your prosthetic limb? roflol! Your profile was a bright spot in an already beautiful day! Be well.

(There was a period of time where I put a story on my profile about some guy messaging me with this godawful messages and me responding about how I just lost a leg in a car accident and then he was all "That's okay, I'll fuck an amputee." Downhill from there. So downhill.)

Oh shitballs. Honestly, I couldn't handle you.

(Possibly best opening message ever, just for using "shitballs.")

Might out smart-ass me? I throw down the gauntlet and accept that challenge! Do you?

(This was a great opener because, hey, I like challenges. It wasn't just a "hi, nice pix.")

You are one of a kind; I like the pics. It's either bathroom, or model-y. You seem really smart, let's meet for coffee one weird afternoon, Max

(This was subpar, but his profile was great, so, yeah...)

Shit. We matched.

I think that means we're required to have a ceremonial duel using animal bones as weapons or something.

(This man should've been my soul mate. Should've been. Oh well.)

I apologize beforehand for my curiosity, what's that scar on your stomach from? please don't take it the wrong way, i think you're very attractive but like i said it just aroused my curiosity, have a good one!

(This got a response because it was a question picking up a detail from a picture, which means he was paying attention. Unfortunately, his response to my answer was lacking. Kids, you gotta have follow-through.)

I love this moment - the fish or cut bait moment when I find a great profile and decide - ok let's send a message. I could get a response. I could go down in flames. Better then letting that saved profile sit there in a useless state of fantasy on the left menu bar thing right?

So...you're a highly decorated OKC veteran. You tell us right up front that you're basically a moving target and you've been around the block. When I email you I am not chasing the sick young zebra who gets confused and falls behind the pack. I'm going for the big prize.

You are obviously very smart - so are many people - but you have coupled your intelligence with brutal honesty. I'd say that is basically the description for the kind of person I would want to meet - to talk to. I think I can get you (at least the you in the profile) and I think we'd jive. After all, I knew what INTJ meant long before OK Cupid. Plus you are not looking for anything too serious and work on odd schedules. You say something about classes in Irvine - maybe you want someone to drop in on or meet up with from time to time right after class. Of course, I also love to drive if LA is more your thing.

To summarize:
Put me in coach, I don't smoke. You KNOW I'm "exceptional" - one squeeze and believe me, you will know.

Love,
K

P.S. What up with the hospital picture? What are you - an arson investigator?


(Longer, but smart and funny. Went out with this one.)

I was thinking that I could copy and paste parts of your profile (hypothetically), and apply them to mine, and it would pretty much make sense. However, if you want to talk gender roles, I would be considered an asshole for some things said, while if I were a girl, I would be considered "sassy" or "liberated", or whatever.

It's not a critique on yourself, but others, I guess. Though if people were to perceive our types as equal , regardless of gender, they'd probably just call us both slutty pricks/cunts. :/

Though I've been called worse that a slutty prick, so that's not too bad...

(Went out with him once. Turned out to be one of those guys that posts pictures of himself from ten years ago. I expect honesty from my dates.)

 

I'm not sure that the some of the "advice" above is not rather specific, and maybe in some sense not comepletely relevant to the man that asked the question.

I would say you cant and shouldnt really do much else than be yourself and just try it out.

Just look for profiles where someone says something that makes them sound vaguely interesting (and being that we are probably all more shallow than we like to admit, look at least ok) and send them a message. Talk in the normal way you talk, say the things that come to mind. I dont think there is any special technique or way to try and catch people's eye thats universal. The things that "Poetry" talks about catching her eye might not be interesting at all to someone else - so you just really ought to be yourself.

You have to accept that probably a lot of people wont get back to you, some will. Thats the nature of it. And you might get a message or two yourself, but I think these things are usually more boys chasing girls.

I personally wouldnt set any expectations on yourself on what goes from there, just treat it as starting a conversation with someone and maybe it goes from there into something more. Maybe you make a good mate for the future (and I personally think men and women can be mates, although there is probably always something more or the idea of something more in the background), or maybe you'll find something more. Or maybe you'll just have wasted $40 joining fee and a couple hours of your life. If so, there's worse things in the world.

Thats my advice based on how I read your post.

_

I do know people who use these sites just for casual hookups. If thats what you want, they again is just really persistence (not that Ive done this, but I had a good mate who did)

He had an ordinary job, ordinary experience, looked pretty ordinary to me... he used to message anyone he liked the look of, come over like a bit of a cocky prick (which wasnt his true character, but he could act that way)... maybe I dont know 1 in 100 people he sent a message to leads to something. But if you message 200 people a month you end up screwing a random bird every fortnight. He used to go to swingers chat rooms, some sites that were more aimed at sex than relationships, he had a job that he could travel around a lot in. That was his hobby basically.

For myself, I wouldnt really fancy it after the first couple of times certainly... but he was always pretty open and at his age (mid 40's) I guess he was able to find enough partners who had got to stage in their life that they knew themselves well enough that that was all they wanted to.

He was actually married also, which is a whole other question...he wife knew and just ignored it.

 

yeah, I don't think I could meet a girl online to just straight up have sex.... I definitely think honesty is the best thing to do, harder for someone to trust you if you lie to them right from the get go...

 

Post a current photo. Don't expect the same in return. Don't set your standards too high. Chances are anyone who you would want to talk to has not logged on in months. Those that log in daily/are always online, expect: attention whores, single unemployed mothers looking for a sugar daddy, criminally insane, or morbidly obese. Often an elaborate combination of the fore-mentioned "qualities." Just go out and have a good time and meet people.

 

Hey, tell us how you really feel.

 

plenty of fish is all about casual hook-ups. don't kid yourself.

I am on match.com right now, but I don't really have any advice. I pretty much sit there and watch the emails come in, take a look at who sent them, and ignore them.
I know that's rude, but it's a hazard of the business. and match.com does a horrible job of 'matching people.' lately I have come to call it scratch.com

well, wait, I do have one bit of advice for you that goes along with "don't post photos that are ten years old." don't post photos that are blurry and out of focus, or photos that show you 30-fucking-yards away standing next to some statue or incredible vista. Just show what you look like.

 

It's my general experience that one is no more or less about hookups than another site. But what do I know? I've been on six on them.

I'm a man, however, and that may skew my perspective. I spent a healthy amount of time looking at dude profiles, though. 50% dirtbag.

Been my experience that PlentyOfFish is more like Wal-Mart (blue collar people) and that OkCupid tends to attract more indie yuppies.

Don't be fooled, though... the men are all looking to fuck and the women are all incredibly tired of getting all those dumbass "nice pix" notes.

Interesting trend I noticed was that the more Type A someone was (speed dater), the more likely it was that they had profiles on both.

Several also confessed to having "I wanna hook up" profiles on one site and serious relationship profiles on the other.

...

Wait, is this where I get to rant about how men on dating sites are all seedy horndogs and the women are obese single parents?

Lemme tell ya all about it...

...

Hah, yeah... I love it when people post old pictures, presumably of them in their prime. You can tell that it was taken with a film camera. It's always awkward when the person that opens the door is literally twice the size of the person in the profile picture. Distance shots mean they're hideous. I always made sure to post a this-is-my-face picture taken that year. If they can't post their face in their profile, they're definitely not worth dating.

 

I didn't think there was that many sites... obviously some cost money..... does it scare away the creeps if you have to pay?

 

There are a ton of dating sites; one for every possible group or hobby.

I'm totally into B-flicks and girls that own Danzig T-shirts, thus HorrorCrush.com.

(That one didn't turn out like I expected, but it was fun to play with for awhile.)

So, yeah... you name it, there is a dating site for it. And for free.

 

I went on two dates from on line sites .
1st made me feel bad for her. We meet at a QT convenience store and her face had been mangled either at birth or a car accident. I just couldn't do it
2nd told me she was a writer and was doing some belly dancing.we met at Toby Kieths Bar n Grill. She was waiting for me at the door even though I was early. She weighed at least 400 lbs.
Never did it again