Childless conundrum

I know I am so fucking irritating. I show up everyonceinawhile for advice or to whine. I used to be more of a presence, all flirty and cute, but these days Im timid and not too good with confrontation re my own behavior. Gawd! Im a shit.

Anyway, here I am again, drunk as a skunk on Makers, in the middle of the day, in the same vein, albeit different. This time, I am homicidal re the old dog. The new bent in his age old story of unmedicated bipolar/borderline spital is that, although I am his favorite ever, so much fun, and younger than his 61 year ass, I am too old for him because I cannot have children. He runs around all ED, incontinent, and "a 3 to my 10". Im sorta perfect, his favorite ever, and so much fun, Im the only one he can imagine parenting/fostering with, and yet I am the one who is also not good enough because I cannot have children. Huh?! What?! How do I ride this weird fucking wave?! I just dont even know how to get around or over this one with any iota of self confidence in place. WTF?! I think I might puke.

 

you ride that wave alone. that's how.

 

I'd be looking for a different wave to ride.

 

"Deserve" is a pretty funny word for describing what people should be looking for as opposed to what they allow themselves to suffer through while complaining.

But, yeah, if you're old and he's old... the marriage/reproduction issues talk should be front-loaded since that seems to be on the mind of many senior citizens.

Hell, once you hit your thirties it seems that those two topics come up within three dates. "How long do you date before marriage? Do you wanna have kids soon?"

 

Im not sure it is his behavior that scares me now. His abuse seems more of the same, his up/downs, something he has acclimated to over the years, something he sees coming and either hunkers down, amps it up, or whatever. It was my reaction today, after learning I am too good, just right good, not good enough, that scares me to drinking all the livelongassday. Lying in bed I told him that it was too much, that there was nothing I could do to make it better this time He watched me get up and close the windows. He heard me say that I was going to attack him, and I did. I walked over to him and put him in a strangle hold. Sometimes we are playful rough, but this wasnt one of those times and we both knew it. There were no knowing giggles. We both knew I was exerting years of fuckingpentuprage and we both know that he can take care of himself in re strength, but dramatic and empty it was, and he simply said after throwing me off, "Did you close the windows so the neighbors wouldnt hear?" Chilling.

Of course I am not usually homicidal, but I am unsure what to do with this toughgirlnotcandyass rage that is roiling around. Im certainly not in KS anymore, and I think Ive lost the map. How does one wend their way back from someone else's reality and embrace their own value and values again? How does one diminish shame and anger? How does one become naive again, or how does one learn to live gracefully among the nastiness, if they can find their way back? My life, or the people in it, have always been somewhat dramatic, I seem to draw it in, but this time it is more horrible. It was me being the awful one and it is hard for me to reconcile.

Still drunk. Thanks be to the brewers of heavenly purveyors of the sweet stuff, and Hey! thanks to you too. The good news is that Im bound to sober up soon and have something less boring to talk about.

 

Well, babe, you estrange yourself from his influence. How can you even begin to make decisions when you are so obviously not thinking of yourself?

 

So, why are you with him, and why is he with you? Sounds like you're both pretty toxic for each other.

 

If he's incontinent, you HAVE a kid....

 

Some of us are drawn to difficult people and risky relationships but loving someone shouldn't require you to lose yourself in the process. You've got to draw the line somewhere and anywhere before suffocation by tantrums and rage, verbal and physical aggression would've been a good place to start. There's nothing left to figure out, just go.

 

Ive gone.

Im watching the alcohol intake, sorta. And Im allowing myself to wallow a little, but just a little. In between Im thinking about myself sorta like I thought of him - what is it I can do to be helpful, how to proceed with life, and so forth. Advising myself similar things I may have advised or supported for him, such as massage, bathing, soothing or fun things, as opposed to hopppedupanger strangulation. Ive sorta been advising myself as I would a client.

Of course, Im not doing any of those things for myself, but just thinking of them is good for me, and what I am doing - thinking more clearly - is excellent. Reminding myself that this relationship was quite affective/reactive. It is a failed, really big time failed relationship, that either never should have happened, or, more sadly or importantly, one that should have been wonderful had we both not fucked it up so badly. Im taking somethings about my own reactivity to the table after this one. Ive learned some valuable things as a takeaway. Thanks for your help and care.

PS: Good to see you again, Manic.

 

Seriously. Ditch his ass.