Do you interfere with your kids' dating?

My sons are 15 and 16, no signs of girl friends yet. I've been reassured by them, there won't be boy friends, but these days - who knows in the end.

Anyway, I've been thinking, how much can I comment on their possible future dates. At this point, I would want to tell them:

a) I'm not interested in becoming a grandma too soon
b) not to take things too seriously at their age yet

I was offended by my mother making comments about boys to me in their age and older. Any comments. As if she knew anything! I liked the guys more, if they knew my mother, but weren't too keen on getting along with her. She was a bit pushy in my opinion.

I'm afraid saying something to my sons might make them act the opposite.

Now afterwards thinking, I may have been too tense about my mother, but it sure didn't feel like that back then. We weren't able to discuss things "maturely".

What kind of issues have you faced, when your kids started dating? Did you need to interfere much?

 

I have two daughters, so my experience was a bit different.

Both had records on file with our doctor with my consent for birth control of any type when they were 14. "Just bill me" . I have no idea if either one took me up on it.

I was always civil to their boyfriends, even the ones that I despised. I did use a few derogatory nicknames in my daughters' presence like "dog collar boy" and "Nada" (as in not a boyfriend).

I set boundaries and curfews; but I only interfered once with a 23yr old suitor for a 14yr old daughter. Go figure, you mention statutory rape in passing and he wouldn't even say hi to her any more.

 

I think my first attempts at interfering would have been things like - that Cat Deeleys a nice looking girl. Last night we were talking with his friend about how well lady Gaga scrubbed up for the music vid we were watching with Justin Timberlake in it. Doris, best thing you can do is equip them with common sense, talk about the emotional side of relationships, be there if they have questions, and be ready to catch them when they fall with open arms as you will be doing for the rest of your life.
Irritating results of this method, driving along son will say 'nice tits', 'nice arse' 'look at that girl with the pink hair, shes hot'. Stan will know if this is normal male stuff or not - sons mates would say that he could talk to me about anything. To be honest, I could do without the running commentary of totty we are passing - sometimes I think he is giving me warning - one day I will slam on the brakes and slap him.
When they do start dating, you will be worrying about their physical and emotional well being. Its a tender time. You know they will get hurt out there - dont wish for that bit of growing up to come too soon.
Stan - good on you for seeing off the would be rapist - sounds like you did it with style and class . Your girls know their dad loves them, that is so important - they wont be going out mistakenly 'looking for love in all the wrong places.' Support and privacy.
Good luck Doris.

 

i'd say the street-smart alienation between parents has significantly dwindled from what i had to deal with with my parents.it's not such a drastic chasm in culture now. my parents were conservative from growing up raised by people who came up in the depression and world war II. maybe it's nostalgia but i don't see kids having partied any harder and/or younger now than the people growing up from '85 to '95.

hopefully that makes it a little less awkward to keep your kids in check. regardless, i'm of the opinion that you need to avoid being any kind of friend to your kid till at least their mid '20's and just make sure you raise them right up to then.

 

Never once interfered with either son's dating. By the time they reach 15 or 16, they are pretty much done with being interferred with. Once they get that old, if a parent hasn't provided proper guidance to shape their lives in the right way, it's doubtful that they would be able to do much about it now.

 

I have a son that is 16 and a daughter that is eight.

For my son, I have pretty much said what Doris has said:

a) I'm not interested in becoming a grandfather yet.
b) Don't take things too seriously yet.

He is free to choose whomever he wants to date but I would be up for telling him if I don't think someone is right for him. I just don't think I will have to as he's a pretty well-adjusted kid.

I don't even know where to begin to talk to my daughter about these things. I am hoping to leave it to my wife... but I suppose, I will figure out my role as it comes.

 

My daughter is six, I still have some time to figure out. However, she's already flashing her ideas about marriage and dating, so I can (hopefully) have some influence.

Apparently discussions with other girls of her age and watching movies about princesses, fairies and whatnot have already given her ideas. Among her friends there is also a girl, whose parents have separated and with new families now, so divorcing is familiar concept as well.

We were viewing dresses for a wedding earlier in the summer. She told me "this one would be lovely for you, mom, if you wore it, some new man might fall in love with you"... I had to remind her, that I'm already married to her father. I know I have some work to do with her, explaining it's not all about looks either...

My older son, I'm not worried much, because he has plans to study, but the younger one has shown interest in not continuing in senior high school, wanting to go to trade school instead. I'm fearing, he might be too eager to have a family soon as well, if possible.

 

I didn't really date much when I was younger, but I do remember my mom telling me that if I got pregnant, she wasn't raising it. That was pretty much the only comment she had about anyone I went out with. Dad said nothing at all.

My son is 9 - he still thinks girls are gross. I feel very unequipped to deal with dating but before I know it, he'll be going out. Like Craven said - we're doing our best while he's young.

 

Have I interferred? No, but my sons have made very good choices in the young women they've dated. I've been very welcoming to their dates, all of whom I've known for some time, at least casually (it's a small school), as well as their parents. I've treated both my sons and their dates as intelligent, albeit young, people and simply told them to behave themselves. Apparently this is NOT a good thing, as both have complained that not only their friends, but their dates as well, have liked me more than them

 

We did the same, we promised to come get them anytime, anywhere, if necessary, with no criticism. My oldest has taken us up on it.

 

QW has had a great radar about these things. Son #1 had a girlfriend and she warned him after her first meeting, "She's just looking to get pregnant so she can escape her parents." Sure enough, within two months of his breaking it off, she was announcing her pregnancy and engagement to her new boyfriend. Bullet dodged and lesson learned.

But then, QW has been a very connected mom from day one. No subject was ever off limits and our kids grew up feeling comfortable sharing anything with her. That has led to them making mostly sound choices and avoiding major mistakes. I've had it pretty easy. I'm the tall guy who gets to scare the shit out of fellows sniffing around my daughter. One quiet conversation is usually sufficient.

Doris, tell them to not take things too seriously, but don't expect them to not. They still have to learn how to deal with hormones and emotions, and the difference between the two. If you can express your feelings without coming off as judgmental, have conversations rather than dropping comment bombs, it should go easier between you and your sons. Good luck.

 

We are not afraid to interfere when we think our daughters are being treated disrespectfully or worse. By dates or by friends. We first speak with our girls, then with the 'offender' if we deem necessary. I gave the 'potty mouth around my girls is unacceptable' talk to a boy just 3 days ago. I have also pulled my girls aside and berated them for being rude. So far we haven't had to interfere often because they seem to dislike some of the same traits that we dislike. I do let them know they are too young to have kids.

 

I'm planning not to interfere too much, but my boys are only 5 and 7, so I've got a bit of time yet.

 

I have a son and a daughter we talk openly about dating, relationships, sex. I tell them not to be afraid to come to me or there dad with any question about anything and they typically do. I've taught them to give what they expect in return. So if you want respect you have to give it. Not to put up with abuse either verbal or physical and they don't need to stay in a relationship.
Don't lead someone into believing your interested and then walk away. Sex is not love and sex is not required in any relationship.
They can date,flirt,make out,have sex with anyone they want I'll be watching at a distance and will step in if it's appropriate. They don't need to "find" a place to have sex,they got bedrooms they can have sleep overs. I keep condoms in the bathrooms and I've taught them both how to use them and use tjem any time they have sex including oral sex, my son ive told him to use them even when he's with another guy.
My kids are very comfortable coming to us and talking about anything so I'm not to worried.

 

even though my daughter is 9 I have instilled in her that she can come to us no matter what it is, and to be open and honest with us. That we will never judge her. with that being said, she is a lot more open and honest with me than she is my wife, but that has a lot to do with how my wife is.
my daughter knows that no matter how old she is or what the issue is that she can come to us to help her through it or to discuss it, no matter what it is

 

I did one thing with my daughters which was make sure they understood the true nature of babies.
That the were little dolls to dress and play with but that they were pooping, crying, major responsibilities that never, ever stopped.
I did this by having them help at a daycare I was managing, babysitting, and being closely involved with our friends babies.
I also made it clear they could come to us for birth control with no judgement at all.
By the time they reached the point of dating they had no problem making sure the sex was safe (well, my youngest only sleeps with girls so that pretty safe all the way round).

It worked a little too well since now neither of them want kids period but oh, well.