Favourite Joke

I'm always one for a good laugh or a decent one liner. I've got nothing but stereotype jokes and I need to add to my repertoire...

What the difference between a pizza and a jew? A pizza isn't afraid to go in the oven...




If the joke I posted are offensive to some, let me know and I'll edit it out of my post and replace it with something more suitable....

 

I didn't want to laugh, but I did.

I love this joke and someone turned it into a song!



Just like any duck, this one is an ass!

 

Why don't chickens pee?

They eat with their pecker.

 

Why did the spy cross the road?


He was never really on your side.

Not my favourite (I don't have one) but I do appreciate the wit.

 

Two snowmen are standing in a field. One turns to the other and says, "I smell carrots!".

Wah wah wahhh.

 

Why do women fake orgasms?

They think we care.


:runs:

 

This one works better actually SAYING it, as opposed to typing, but it never fails to make me laugh:

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
FSSH!

 

Same with this one, better spoken than typed...

What has two thumbs, speaks French and loves oral sex?

moi - followed by a thumbs up gesture

 

Some of my go-to "into a bar" groaners.
--The original, of course: a horse walks into a bar. Bartender sez, "hey pal, why the long face?"
--A mushroom walks into a bar. Bartender sez, "hey! We don't serve your kind in here!" Mushroom sez, "aww, c'mon, I'm a fungi." (Better out loud than in print)
--Three strings walk into a bar. The first string tries to order a drink. The bartender says, "we don't serve your kind in here." The second string tries to order a drink. The bartender says, "I just told your friend that we don't serve your kind in here." The third string has an idea. He ties himself into a bow, takes out a pocket knife, and cuts up his ends a little bit. He then walks up to the bar. The bartender says, "hey, aren't you one of those strings I keep turning away?" The third string says, "nope. I'm afraid not (/a frayed knot. Again, better aloud.)
--Two nuns walk into a bar. The third one ducks.

Maybe more to come later.

 

A lady at a hardware store is looking for a replacement hinge for the gate in her garden. The clerk helped her pick out the correct one. As they walked towards the cashier he asks "do you wanna a screw for the hinge?" She pauses and then says "no, but I'll blow you for a toaster."

 

Did you hear about the hipster who burned his mouth?

He ate pizza..... before it was cool.

 

What did the blonde call her pet zebra?

Spot.

And just so there's no hard feelings.....

What's the difference between a brunette and the trash?

The trash gets taken out at least once a week.

If I knew a redhead joke, I'd share one of those too. Maybe someone else knows one?

 

A friend from high school named his pet goldfish Fluffy.

 

Was he blond?