The Beginning of The End or the End of the Beginning?

How about those little-big turnpoints that are sudden change of perspective in a relationship and can risk to steward it to the bitter end?

I'm personally now in a relationship with this amazing girl since a couple of years, she is 21 and I'm 6 years older, and now we are on a bit of a turning point since I went to work in Germany (from Italy) a couple of months ago.
Luckily my boss is Spanish and understands the situation and is pretty obliging letting me to take free days from time to time (and over that I still have a collaboration at Milan that is bringing publications) so I can do long-weekends in Italy and see my girlfriend.

I was preparing to go the next week, when I noticed there will be a lot of vacations in Italy (but not in Germany) in the following weeks, that combined with the slack last-year undergrad scheduling of my GF, have more or less granted her 15 days straight of vacation (at the expense of maybe few hours of lectures, but with the great academic plus, for a foreign language student, to be in the country of which she is studying the language).

Brilliant Idea: instead of me coming to you for 4 days -2 days of travel (8/9 hours car alone back and forth) you come to me for 15+ days -1 day of travel (plane).

(Now that I think about it, the fact that I have to search the festivities and think about his academic scheduling rings a bell.)

Answer: no. I am not ready to leave my house while I have exams to prepare.

Another background information: I'm a postdoc researcher at a university. Few people understand and respect more studying than I do, for sure not her parents that continually ask her for chores when they are not fighting letting a concentrating studying almost impossibly.

In fact is her complicated family situation to avoid her to leave home and in the same time (thing that I literally hate) underperform respect to her skills in academia and her old journalism job, and also this time exams are a mere pretext. And she don't want to be forced to grow up (her words) and do step she doesn't feel to do.

Even if they are not a pretext, in fact is that we have an unbalanced situation, where I have to do 16 hours in the car (and spend), to meet her a couple of days, with obv repercussion on my job, while she, even in the easiest situation for a student (exams a month away, no lectures) don't want to stand up and move the ass.
The unbalance of efforts, when so massive, imho unbalance the relationship. One gives without taking, then at a certain point start to expecting something (if not everything he gave without receiving plus interests) and then one is left without nothing, an awful of effort made, and a brilliant relationship to the bin due circumstances.

E.g. now I can go down for this two days, we have a concert to attend, but I will drive with a bit of resentment, arrive there, expect to be compensated in some way, we will not even have an house to stay alone and I will probabily go away only with the experience of a screwed concert, some cheap car-sex, the painful trip to go back and week of work making up for the two days I was missing and two/three/four/five weeks till the next encounter.

If she is not taking any chances she gets to come to my place as I'm taking any chances I have to come to Italy (and sleep to my mother's home -.-) just see her this cannot go on for long, we have a looong way till settling down (researcher and journalist... we will ever settle down?) and wait for her to "grow up" and screw her family for good can be a spectacularly excruciating way to assist to the death of a relationship.

At the moment I'm so let down for this thing... Because she's really awesome in any sense... smart, beautiful and most importantly she understands me and want to overcome difficulties together with me... except when "home" and "parents" are involved.

 

Yeah, change is difficult enough for us as individuals and it can certainly end a relationship. Your situation sounds way unfair. Does she understand that this may be the end? If you've made that clear and you've really thought this out, well then you already know what you need to do. Relationships are hard enough, even when both parties are flexible, loving, and equally committed to making it work. If she's not willing enough to put in the effort to go and see you then spare yourself the drama of dragging it out and dump the motherfucker already. Life is too short, there's too many people on this planet, etc. Good luck.

 

I've not thought this out. But I'm thinking it...
Relationships are hard, that's why after the two years with her where we talked away all the problems seemed like built to last... But I knew that her relationship with her parents will screw everything up sooner or later when I will move away and loosing someone I really love for collateral conditions seems so bitter.

Actually I'm thinking also to leave the job and get back to italy...

 

I Don't understand very well what do you want to say to me here.

Yes I know. For me a deal breaker is doing by car 1500 km crossing the alps every two weeks while she doesn't plan to take a single fucking plane till august because she is too attached to home that to leave mom is a stress that impeach her studies or whatever reason she came up to justify her unsual attachment with a province town, a couple fucked up parents and high school girlfriends.

Probably for her a deal breaker is having a boy that don't understand her attachment with the province town, her fucked up parents and high school girlfriends (but in the same time, as probably every provincial girl, looks forward for a guy that travel the world with important assigments and everything...).

Since she is great for everything that doesn't involve this childish attachment I'm also evaluating the option of leaving the job on the German university and following a couple of projects on my own... In that case I have to switch on a more short-term and maybe applied assignement in order to make my work worth my stipend instead of following neutron stars

 

The only thing I can think of is for you to clearly communicate to her what the situation looks like to you and how you feel about the current balance of effort each partner is putting into the relationship.

Ask for her thoughts on the situation, and whether she agrees that it's not fair.

If she doesn't agree, there's not much more you can talk about. Either you submit and accept that she doesn't intend to voluntarily wager as much on the relationship as you are, or let her know this is a dealbreaker and get out.

Honestly though, I really can't see you quitting your current job for her minor issues as having any positive outcome for you. In the best case, she will be left with the assumption that she can delegate her own input to the relationship to you, and in the worst case she thinks you're a pushover and screws around with your life.

 

Obv. as far as I know. Perfect knowledge is not of these world. When regarding relationship duration is often retroactive
I've had another relationship for 5 years, I spotted my weakpoints my "dealbreakers" (as you call it) my medium/long-run problems.

My parents interacts rarely even with me. I cannot see why they should be any problem. At most they will be non influential at all.

 

I'm sorry, but why is advanced age a necessity to ascertain when something is built to last?

Going off the "you learn through your failures" logic here, huh.

It is not in the realm of miracles for a young adult to be able to figure out what relationship dynamics will work for them over the long-term.

 

Is not that she doesn't put effort on the relationship. Is just that going out of home is not something she is willing to do in the short term. Not even for 15 days

 

I didn't mean that she doesn't make any effort. Rather, she doesn't when it counts. At least, that is my impression.

Think about it. She is not going out of her way to accommodate you, and has no reason not to expect you to do that now and in the future. She's studying journalism, and I'm going to assume she plans to work in her field of study.

What do you do, if she receives job offers to work in your country as well as other countries? Would she be a correspondent in your country and be able to build your lives together? Or would she go for the high-profile correspondent jobs very far from your high-level research job and expect you to quit/transfer to a lower-ranking job so that she can fulfill her dreams while yours remain untouched?

You're setting a precedent here.

 

Is more probable that leaving my current job will lead to more diverse opportunities.
I'm in academia, that is what it is. Sometimes the content of your work are amazing, but the usual work is not what I define "an incredible job".
Obv. my job decision about leaving the academia is not something just related to my girlfriend. Is just something I have my own doubts for it, this would speed it up.
Otherwise I can land a position also in Italy, even with the recession if I will get my ambitions down to lecturer or collaborator with an uneven pay I should get something out, and the daily work and future perspective would be almost the same.

You think so?

It is not about the effort. Is about her taboo. I cannot scheduling the time for she to overcome her taboos, just pray for it.
Except for this type of things she would do really anything, to make me happy.

Yeah sure. She even came here helping me with my moving. But was for 4 days and her parents were positive about the thing. Maybe this time her parents sayed no, or, as I said, for her leaving hometown is a stress, and doing actual exam prep while being out of town are two stresses at once.
Is something I don't approve neither understand, but this is it...

 

Sounds like she's only into you as long as you're doing all of the work. That sucks because you seem to really like a lot of things about this girl. I say "girl" instead of "woman" because, at only 21, and with the family/priority issues you've described, she has some growing up to do.

 

My hope is that she will grow up her provincialism. She wants to do a journalism school in UK, bacause in Italy adv. journalism schools are really really crappy and pricy (a friend of us spent 8k€ for a one-year, four days per month course with uncompetent people because you get the journalist patent and you pay for the piece of paper, not for competence), sooner or later will be forced to go abroad.

I did a PhD in the meantime, finding a postdoc scholarship, deciding to working abroad and stay in academia, setting up an house moving...etc.. Do you think my life and my issues are restricted to cheap social issues?

Ok I did not have any important death, or to overcame cancer in the meantime...
... but considering my general insecurity issues, that while doing something difficoult with someone difficoult (in the field everyone is afraid of my advisor, and I mean it), the stressfull period, my working schedule with the impromptu travelling and so on, the fact that we talked out all the fairly complicated situations and she managed to stay by my side I think is quite amazing.

We have the other part to do: splitting everyday chores and money issues and overcome boredom of years and years with the same person everyday, and many more things I cannot even think of...
I'm not taking that for granted for sure, but there are the premises as best as someone can tell without actually living together, and that is not something so common or that is not worth fighting for actually.

That goes without saying.

 

Every End is a new beginning..