The waiting game

Hello all. I'm new to this sort of forum thing, and I kind of know what I need to do, but I'm going to explain my situation with the hopes that some of you can reinforce what I'm thinking--or give me better advice to look to. This is incredibly long, since I'm using it as a way to get out all of my thoughts. Anyone who reads it all and comments, thank you very much!

So, there's this girl. For the sake of privacy I'm going to call her Jane. I've known her for several years, but we've never really been "close" until recently. She was in a 5 year relationship with a complete jerk who cheated on her the whole time--and a month after they broke up this jerk actually married the girl he had been cheating with. So, needless to say, Jane is still a bit bitter about all of that. Added to that, this jerk and all of his friends are friends with my older brother. And added to that, she's the older sister (by two years) of one of my good friends.

Now, Jane and I first started talking at my friend (let's call him Dan) Dan's house. We had a connection and started texting. When we started wanting to hang out, I approached my friend Dan and told him what was up; that I respected him as a friend, and wanted his OK on hanging out/getting to know his sister before I just started to hang out with her. He was cool with it, so I proceeded. This was about 6 weeks ago, now.

Jane and I hung out, talked a lot, and got pretty close. She came on pretty strong, which was surprising, but nice. I had told myself to be patient, to ignore feelings, to let her deal with her insecurities on her own time--not on mine. But, I got excited and kind of forgot about that. So a few weeks ago she said that she thought we had moved toward a relationship too quickly and wanted to back up. I totally agreed and we backed up--no problems.

Then it just kinda happened all over again. She'd tell me how great I am, how she's glad she can talk to me, that she wants me around more often, that she likes me, etc. I still tried to ignore those things at this point. Then, just last weekend we went to a bonfire at her friend's place with her brother and his gf and a few other people. It was a great time, but her friend's husband was drunk and kept saying "your boyfriend" when he was talking about me to Jane--which was weird ha.

Anyway, when I got ready to take her home she wanted to go somewhere and talk. Naturally I expected "the talk". Instead she wanted to know why I hadn't kissed her yet. So, idiot that I am, I damn well kissed her. The next day was insanely stressful for her (she has her own business). Through most of the day she said she enjoyed the bonfire, she was glad that we kissed, and she wanted to hang out with me again soon. Then, that night she got paranoid and said she thought we were moving too fast again. I was still high from kissing easily the most gorgeous girl I've ever known, so I reacted poorly--once again, idiot that I am.

So anyway, over the past couple days we agreed to be friends. She said she does like me, but that she isn't wanting a relationship at all, at this point. She said she's worried about her brother Dan and what he thinks; she's afraid to trust me; and she isn't sure of what she wants. All of this is stuff that I've known from the start. So after being an idiot and a douche myself, I apologized for my idiocy and told her that from the start all I wanted was to be friends.

I know she still likes me, because she said she did. But she also said she thinks it's better to just step away from everything now before it gets to a point that gets to hard. She's basically afraid (and she's told me this) that if we got into a relationship, I would leave her for a "cute younger girl" (her words), and then it would be a bad stress on her friendship with her brother. That's pretty much what happened with her last boyfriend, so I totally understand. Anyway, so now it's kind of like she doesn't even want to talk to me--like she wants to pretend I don't exist. I'm fairly certain that she probably does want to talk to me, she just isn't because she's afraid of those feelings, etc. Which, again, is understandable.

So I haven't talked to her in just a day, really. But I don't plan on talking to her today or tomorrow either. I want to give her her space so she knows I'm not "romantically interested"--but at the same time there's that fear of "what if she stops liking me in that time?" I know I shouldn't worry about that, really. Honestly, I don't want a relationship right now, either. I just want to get to know her better. It's a little weird going to her house to hang out with Dan, but I just focus on whatever Dan and I are doing without paying her any attention.

Then, her birthday is a few days away. On the bonfire night, when we kissed, she decided that she wanted to spend her birthday with me. Obviously I'm assuming that's not going to happen anymore--but I'm not entirely sure what to do. Then, two days after her birthday she's leaving for a week-long trip overseas which I think will be good. Let her just enjoy herself and figure stuff out. What I'm unsure of is if I should say anything on her birthday or before she leaves the country? Or should I just wait until she contacts me? I'm probably over thinking the situation.

Anyway, sorry this was so long. I just wanted to get it out. Usually I talk to Dan about relationship advice, but since it's his sister, it's crossing some boundaries. Any opinions/advice/etc. is appreciated! Thanks to those who read it all!

 

My first impression? RUN! Run away, as fast as you can.

 

he puts up a shot, it's short...

REBOUND!

She's confused. You're over thinking it.

Stay friends if possible. She got out of a bad relationship and needs time to do her own thing before jumping into a relationship, if it develops later after she's healed then fine, but don't expect it or wait around for it. She's back and forth because she is used to being with someone but she knows it isn't right at the moment. Chillllll

I'm assuming you're college freshman age or close or that you just haven't had much experience in this area. Go. Be young. Have fun.

 

Thanks for the replies. I felt like I've been over thinking the whole thing.

I'm out of college, but I was in a five year relationship myself that kind of had me "out of the game" for a while, so to speak.

Normally I would run away from girls in her situation, but I guess I felt like I could help her--though I know that's not really my responsibility. When I knew that I somewhat liked her, I told myself to let her deal with her problems at her own pace, but I forgot it I guess. Like you said, I just need to chilll.

Thanks again!

 

When I say run, I don't mean literally, I mean just don't get your heart involved. Hang out, if ya want, but do NOT let yourself be her puppet for when she's lonely.

If she still wants to hang out on her b-day. If she says anything other than yes, then take it as a no, and go have fun that night. If my 44 y.o. self could give my 14-40 y.o. self, it would be "Actions speak louder than words. It doesn't matter what she says, watch what she does that will tell you where she stands.

 

Yeah, I made the mistake of already letting my heart get into a little bit, so I'm in the process of taking it back out before I try to talk to her as a friend. I really think she needs true friends right now more than anything--so that's what I'll be, if she wants it.

And thanks for the advice in regards to her b-day and her actions vs. her words--that's definitely helpful.

 

So you apologized in advance your idiocy for "I want to be your friend" thing. Good Move.
If that is not clear (not a nativa, sry) : you did not anything idiot and you apologize for being one. Than you act as an idiot with the lamest "I want to be friend" to a girl that you want.
That is lame man, not good, not good at all!
Have you ever heard of a thing called Friendzone?

Sorry to be frank: Two in a row..
DON'T, TRUST, WHAT, WOMEN, SAY.

EVER.

Except you know her reaaaaally well and you trust her because she is special. Give yourself a couple of decades

aaaaand... welcome to the friendzone!

Make it your mantra, is the only hope for sanity in the friendzone.

Yes you are.
Go to her. Talk to her.
Kiss her again.
Live happily everafter. Somewhat...

Or die trying and don't think about her ever more and pass up to the next!

 

In your story, you come across as passive, which never helps. You'll stand a better chance by projecting strength. Don't go along with everything she dictates; it makes you look weak and it's ultimately self-defeating. In you rush to be accommodating, you may be turning her off.

 

Okay, I can only comment on the drawing. lol I love it! Yeah I'm not in a good frame of mind at this time.

 

You sound like a really nice guy. (I am hoping plan9 does not show up to this thread half cocked yelling about what a pussy you are).

Anyway I would give her space. It sounds to me like she is very confused about what she is feeling towards you. She doesn't know if she likes you because she really likes you or because her mind is playing tricks on her right now. I would say take all the cues from her...let her control the pace of things but at the same time don't sit around forever waiting on this chic. Be clear with your intentions towards her and your feelings and really there is nothing else you can do but wait it out.

 

Agreed with Raghnar.

Give it a proper try and go for it. If she doesn't respond positively, give her a choice rather than let yourself be entirely pussywhipped.

 

You are just going to end up being the next 'jerk' if you pursue a relationship with this one. You don't have a chance until she is over the last one, altogether. With some women they never get over that jerk... Be nice to her, but don't believe for a second that you will have a successful relationship with this one in the near future.

Remember also that there were two people involved in her last relationship ( okay, three ). Try to keep an open mind that she might not have been an angel in the problems of her last one. She doesn't seem all that stable now

 

Thanks for all of the replies, everyone! The pic was great, so thanks for that as well haha.

Raghnar: I am aware of the "friendzone". I apologized to her for the way I acted in regards to some of the things I said that I personally did not like. I acted in a way that didn't sit right with me, so I apologized for it. I didn't apologize for pity or anything like that. Thanks for your opinions, though, I'll definitely take them into consideration!

Hamsterball: Thanks for the advice. I understand what you're saying, but I also think there's a fine line where projecting too much strength comes off as too much to her. I'm not by any means letting her lead me around on a leash, or anything. She's not that kind of girl, anyway.

I actually chilled with my friend Dan a bit today to play some music. I just focused on what we were doing and didn't go out of my way to see her or anything like I had been doing when I went over there before. She ended up coming down and talking to me. She said she made plans for her birthday with her girlfriends, and I told her it was cool because the band's practicing anyway--which we are. So it's not a big deal.

She's been texting me off and on most of the day, so I'm just going with it but keeping it friendly.

Thanks again to all of you. I appreciate it.

 

She's using you...and you don't mind. Develop a spine and meet many more worthy girls. You're young and ready. This one is just a "test".
Get out there dude!!

 

Thanks for the response, Indigo. After all she's been through, she's not the type of girl to "use" people, though of course you're free to call it what you will. In regards to my lack of spine: I'm a very social person and I have no problem meeting or talking to other women. There are other girls that show interest in me, I'm just not really into them at the moment.

All of your opinions have been very helpful. As many of you have said: I'm young. There's no need for me to fret too much over things out of my control, and no need for me to over think anything. I've just decided to focus on me and take it easy. If she wants to talk to me, she will. If not, that's cool too.

If there are any "updates", I'll be sure to let you all know.