How to ask talk about living together without scaring him?

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years and we are 24. My bf lives with his sister (26) and his mom moved out recently after getting married. So it's just them two but I practically live there since I spend the night almost every single day.

I just got a job and now that I make enough money I am ready to move out of my parents. My bf is content living where he is because everyone helps pay bills, it's a house, and his stuff is there. I don't want to get an apartment because its pointless if I spend almost every night at his place but he hasn't even asked me to move in or give me a key. I had to talk to him about that and he said it was my job to ask for privelages like that d I wanted one. I disagree but whatever. So should I talk to him about me moving in? I'm kind of fearful of living together before marriage because most men get too comfortable and never propose. Not looking to get married soon but should I also being that up or will I scare him even more?

I would rather we have our own place (privacy) away from his sister because she always wants to do everything with us like shop, eat, club, double date, etc. not to mention his mom spends the night there once a week cuz she misses them and lives 1 he away now but looks like I would be likely to move in than have him move out.

If he says no I would feel insulted since I been spending the night for almost two years now 5-6 days out the week. We see each other every day but sometimes have our own time away from one another.

 

At your age, I would have wanted to move in with him.

At 36 (almost) my advice is to get your own place. Invite him to stay with you and reduce the number of times you stay with him. Make it a rarity.

By inviting him, I'm saying - tell him you want to cook in your own kitchen and it's no fun cooking for yourself.

 

red flag alert

If he says it is a privilege for you to have a key to his place or to move in with him - he's hiding something.

Just sayin'.

As far as scaring him? Just casually mention that you think he should move in eventually after everything is settled. Sounds like he isn't ready for a major commitment anyway based on his sense of contentment so I doubt you'd have to worry about it too much.

 

No you got it wrong. I worded it differently but basically he's saying I'd I wanted a key why don't I ask for one in the first place. I felt like he was the one that should offer and I has no right to ask. But yeah I get what you mean.

I think if I got my own apartment it would be very hard not to want to go over his place. But then again like you said I could have him come over more often but I don't see why he would want to if his house is much more spacious than a little apartment

 

Or maybe he's been burned before by some psycho hosebeast? Just because you don't wanna step up to living together in a relationship after two years doesn't mean you're a serial killer.

/guy that has repeatedly shacked up with girls after 6 months

...

SUPER MEGA ULTRA FEMALE PROTIP:

Men are not psychic. Men are not even close to perceptive. Try directly asking for the things you want--repeating the request as necessary--instead of getting butthurt, crying, throwing tantrums or hatefucking your former lovers.

 

What I mean was I feel like its not okay for me to ask. Jeez throwing out insults I'm just trying to get advice don't got to go all rude on me. Obviously I'm not throwing tantrums of I'm trying to find a solution and advice before talking about it


But anyways I'm his first serious relationship. He has like two but nothing serious as it only lasted two months and both ended up cheating or leaving him for another guy.

 

C'mon, chelle, I wasn't referring to you... I was clearly referring to the previous bad experiences I've endured. I mean, I've done it all. Good thing it's funny years later.

But, seriously? You need to ask. Just talk with the dude. He might be oblivious to the idea or he might be nervous about it and just want a little confirmation.

I'm pretty sure that if I didn't give off the this weird "let's get a place together" musk that compelled women to want to live with me that I'd appreciate it.

 

9'er is correct though. We're a dense sex. We need it spelled out multiple times before the bulb begins to dimly light up.

It's possible he's been hurt in the past. I have no idea. Just move in on your own and see how he reacts.

 

Because YOU are there. If he doesn't, he really isn't worth your time. imo.

 

I don't know...it sounds like you've got a pretty sweet deal going right now. You don't have to pay rent or major household bills, and your parents don't care if you have a Private Slumber Party five or six days a week. Besides, even if you DO spend all that time together, it's still nice to have your own space.

I'd vote getting your own place, and, if you must, getting a key to his place.



Edited to add: Or, it could go this way: "hey, so, I'm tired of living with my parents. How do you feel about me moving in here?" If he says "cool," and goes back to chowing down on popcorn, there you go. If he's hesitant, you say, "okay, cool, just figured I'd ask. I'll start looking at apartments tomorrow."

 

Ya know, this thread has got me thinking about where the tipping point is in a relationship when you decide to live together.

I think most of the time it came down to simple logistics like travel time to see each other and two separate apartments' rent.

You start keeping stuff in a drawer at his place and suddenly it becomes half the closet. Or he's always coming over with a bag.

Most of the time it wasn't some big thing, it was a "This is stupid, we're already living together, might as well save some money."

...

Interestingly enough some of the best sex happens when you both have your own place and you want to try to fuck the other person to death before they have to drive home on a Sunday night. Wild, kinky shit like I'd never seen before. Ooo, so good.

 

Why on earth would it not be OK to ask? It's not a question of manners - you're already there all the time. I think that what you really mean is "I'm afraid of what the answer may be, and I don't want to be rejected." It's entirely possible - and probable since I agree with Plan9 and@Glory's Sun about guys being pretty dense - that the idea just never occurred to him. It might even be that in his pointy little head (pointy because most of us guys are pretty dense), you're pretty much already living together.

The best way to find out is to sit down and have a grown-up conversation with him. Does he want to live together? Where? Does he want to get married some day? To you?

That's not an easy discussion to have, but maybe you two can have a night to yourselves - no one else should be involved in the conversation - and discuss it. That said, you should probably expect him to disagree with you on some things - he might not want to get married ever for some reason. And he may not be able to answer every question. But you should be an adult and ask him since that's what adults do.

 

I'm only giving advice based on what I would do in this situation.

Can you afford a place on your own? I think everyone should experience living on their own before getting married. Learning how to be independent, responsible for yourself and knowing you can manage your own finances regardless of whether or not a partner is in your life is invaluable. If it's doable, I would consider this route above all others. The only problem with that scenario is that you would likely find the bf staying at your place 5 -6 nights out of the week without contributing financially. You are the only one who can make the decision on whether or not that would be an acceptable arrangement.

I would probably forget the idea of moving in with him and his sister even if he were to be agreeable. Though you will be contributing financially, it will never be "your" place. It would be ok in the short term but I suspect you will soon find out that the arrangement is unsuitable and not what is ultimately best for you or your relationship, especially considering you already feel that his sister is too involved in your activities already. It's really the worst option for you, in my opinion.

Somewhere in the middle is the option of the two of you getting a place together. Unfortunately, he doesn't sound quite ready for that (an impression I get) which could either mean he is not ready for that kind of commitment with you or that his comfort level and reluctance to change his living situation is a priority. If pushed towards this option, he may concede but chances are good that he will come to regret his decision.

Which leads back to the original question. Can you afford a place on your own? If the two of you move in together and share finances, can you manage them on your own, if things don't work out between the two of you and he leaves?

If you move in with him, whether it be at his current place or in a new place for the two of you, I would ask you to look at the situation as simply that. You and he are living together. Marriage is a separate issue. Living together is not a guarantee that it will lead to marriage nor is it a guarantee that it will not. You thinking that he will be less likely to propose if you live together is just plain silly. It doesn't work that way. You and he either have a relationship that will lead to marriage or you will find out that you don't.

 

Pfft! I've been dodging the marriage question for like half a friggin' decade now.

/and sweating every day of it

 

Plus, if you get your own place, you can decorate however you want.

/my boyfriend likes chrome and glass and red and black, and I do NOT.

 

You shouldn't have told me that.

 

Cinnamon girl good idea. I'm not terrified at the idea of movin in with his sister and him. It's just eventually I would like us to have a place of or own (especially before kids). Which I did mention. Anyways I think he's more on wanting to graduate college and make more money first than settle down completely from what we talked about but it would take forever since it is mechanical engineering part one school and full one work. But we did discuss how before I'm 30 I would like to see something go forward like marriage and kids. Ugh I'm not ready for kids at all but maybe in 5 years. He already knows this. So that's all talked.

Very awkward and scary not just for me to talk about but women.

He is pretty clueless idk if its truly a guy thing like you guys say.


Honor thanks very thorough

 

Also: How hot is this dude? On a scale of Screech to Studly McSplooshmaker, where does he stand?

Ladies of TFP wanna know.

 

Studly McSplooshmaker? I am dying over here. That doesn't sound attractive at all, Niner.

 

It's not supposed to be attractive, it's just the reality of what happens to your panties when a 10 outta 10 walks by, amiright?

/I'm just a Pukey McBarfmaker *sad panda*