So I decided NOT to cheat... but I did have sex with someone else.

We decided that this was the only option because my wife no longer wants to have sex. Since I've started seeing other women, her sex drive has actually increased.

 

Saw Gandhi mentioned. Relevant video:

 

Oh so this can obviously be interpreted as a positive development. You understand very little about women.

 

That can be not a good sign.
In any case it can be also that things are going great!

 

Those are contradictory statements.

Sentence 1: "her sex drive is zero."
Sentence 2: "her sex drive is a number greater than zero."

Contradictory.

I'm sticking with the bomb analogy.

 

This.

I hope you have a prenup.

She'll play your little game for a few months until her mental state shatters completely and she either becomes so numb that she closes you off emotionally, physically and/or both - or she leaves your dumbass. She didn't decide shit. You forced her hand by giving her some bullshit ultimatum. Yes, no sex is a problem in a relationship, but there are better ways to go about fixing it than putting a gun to her head and relishing in her anguish while she sits on the sidelines.

Here's a question - would you have a problem if she had a cock toy on the side? I mean what's fair is fair right?

Everyone here knows I'm no champion or believer in strict monogamy, but I am a believer in doing things the right way in these situations. You're either dense or you just don't care. I have a feeling it is both.

 

I don't know, is seems to me that you're going too harsh with this guy with the hook of few lines you hand down a peremptory diagnose... It's not fair to a guy that probably know his deal since he is married for quite a few years...

 

Being married for a few years doesn't make him smarter or more in tune. I have no problem with you disagreeing with me - but to read his his first thread, then this - and to see all of the excuses, back-peddling and contradictions should prove the majority of people in this thread are spot on. He's laid it out, he's given his reasons and told of how she was and how she's responded. He's only seeing her react sexually and uses that to justify his decisions instead of examining the reasons for her newly rediscovered sex drive.

My question still stands. Would the OP have a problem if she took a man on the side? I have a feeling he wouldn't like it one bit.

Red flags are red flags, just like a duck is a duck is a duck. All I see is a duck fervently waving several red flags.

 

I don't know about harsh. When you're talking about a change in a marriage of this magnitude, I think that it is best to be conservative. If his wife were fine with this, there would be no tears. If she weren't concerned, she wouldn't be worried about him leaving her.

Raghnar, I hope you've read the other thread where he explained why he was doing this as well as the back story. If you haven't, you should. If you have, I don't see how you can call this "just a few lines". There is a lot more than that here.

You are correct that he has been married for a while. He wants to stay married but wants to have sex. While I completely agree that his situation is not fair to him, it is also not fair of him to effectively hold his wife hostage with the threat of divorce.

Glory's Sun, I believe that in the other thread Fiddlebone did say that he'd given her permission to have sex elsewhere but that she wasn't interested in it. Obviously, what he says now and what he would think should that particular line-item happen to come to pass are very different things, but he at least has that down.

Fiddlebone, I don't think that you are wrong for wanting this or even for taking the steps that you are taking. You're having an open and honest dialogue with your wife, and that is good. Where I have the problem is that you're telling her your problems, and as soon as she said "OK" to this scheme, you apparently stopped listening. As I said before, I don't see why you didn't slow things down when your wife is in bed next to you the night before, crying. Regardless of how that conversation ended, a time-out for at least a few days seems in order.

 

the_jazz You may be right about her having sex on the side. I'd be curious to see the reaction if she actually went through with it or said she wanted to. There's a difference in swinging together and having partners alone on the side. :shrug:

The rest of what you've said... yes.

 

I agree with the above. It sounds like she's trying to be okay with it and please you. Sounds like you get to have your cake and eat it too. I mean how can you not feel bad about her crying about what could happen?

 

the_jazz

So a thought occurred to me about the whole "if she wanted another man" scenario - (yes, I was thinking. Dangerous stuff) I still say he wouldn't like it one damn bit. My reason? Simple. He is upset that she wasn't giving him any sex so if she suddenly decided to take her sex drive somewhere else, well... he may be able to actually understand what he's put her through already. Either that or he'd pull some shit that he had to be present when it happened despite the fact that he goes without his wife and she wants no part of seeing it (he's also too dense to realize that she's using that as a "out of sight - easier to deal with" emotional safety rope).

 

You may be right. You may not be. I'm going to accept his statement that he would be OK with it for now, though. I don't see a reason to necessarily disagree with him at this stage since it is academic for everyone involved.

 

It's not academic for me.

I volunteered to be her backdoor man.

Sight unseen, even!​