So I decided NOT to cheat... but I did have sex with someone else.

Continued from the Should I cheat on my wife? thread.

Okay, sorry I wrote so much, but here it goes...


So it's been a few months now... nothing much happened with my wife's coworker. We flirted a lot. A bikini top was removed and nipples were nibbled in the hot tub, but that’s as far as it went. I ended up having sex with my wife afterwards, which was very satisfying. It had been a very long time. But no other encounters with the coworker or anyone else we know.

We decided that meeting women on-line was the best way to make this work. I created an on-line dating profile at Okcupid.com. I specified that I was married and only interested in casual sex. My wife also posted an ad on the site, but with no intention of seeing anybody. She just wanted to be on there with me.

I chatted with a number of girls on the web site and eventually developed a nice on-line conversation with a girl named Stephanie. She is in a polyamorous relationship. We chatted about nothing for several days, and then we started flirting pretty graphically. She sent me a topless photo of herself.

I shared everything she sent me with my wife. At first she was a bit bothered by the fact that I was flirting with another woman, but eventually she got into it and started suggesting things for me to type. She was deriving some enjoyment from this. I was glad. She liked the idea that Stephanie was in a relationship herself and that she is our age. I think my wife was secretly concerned I would be out sleeping with college co-eds or something. She agreed that Stephanie seemed like a good person to try this with.

I set up a meeting with Stephanie for a Sunday afternoon. The night before, my wife cried as we lay in bed together. We had another long talk and I held her close and reminded her how much I loved her and how I would never seek a relationship with any other woman. She said she is no longer troubled by the idea of me having sex with someone else, she’s just afraid of me falling in love with somebody else. I assured her that would never happen. She went to sleep feeling better.

The next day I went two towns over to meet Stephanie. We met at a Starbucks and chatted for a while. Then we went to her Mother’s house (her Mom wasn’t home, of course). It felt strange to get physically intimate with someone other than my wife (other than a pat on the ass or a kiss on the cheek) for the first time in over a decade. I don’t know how graphic you want me to be on this board. I am willing to give explicit details of how the date with Stephanie went if anybody wants them. Short story: I had trouble getting hard at first but we both ended up having a real good time.

Afterwards, I went home to my wife and that night took her out to dinner. We went to her favorite restaurant as a surprise to her and we had a great time. Later that night, back at home, I told her every detail of what went on with Stephanie. Then we had sex. On the couch, even, with her on top. She hadn’t done anything passionate like that in years. I’m not sure if she was turned on by the idea of me with another woman or if she just wanted to “mark her territory”, but it was incredible.

I promised not to see Stephanie (or any other women from Okcupid.com) more than once every couple months or so. This seems like a very fair compromise and I do believe it’s saved our marriage. I feel better than I have in years. I feel physically and emotionally recharged. My wife and I have had more sex in the last three months than in the last three years. I find that I am no longer consumed with thoughts about sneaking around behind her back.

I think we’re through the roughest challenge of our life together so far.

 

Whoa. Good news. Keep checking in with your wife and enjoy. It is really big of both of you to be open to this. Make sure she is not just "going along" with it. By the sounds of it she is not and engaged with the process.

And also because I have to do this...

MAH WAAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEFFF

/Borat

Sorry... I've been diagnosed with Baron Cohen Syndrome.

 

I have a hard time believing you are going to limit contact with this other woman to once every couple months or so. Once that ball gets rolling...it tends to travel downhill rather quickly.

 

Indeed.

 

I I want to reiterate my position that your wife should also try opening up and getting with other people. She probably isn't going to be comfortable with the idea, but suggest it and let her know that you'd be OK with it. That spark you feel after you come back from spending time with Stephanie could be a two-way street.

 

I don't know how you can assure a person that you will never fall in love with someone you are having sex with. I wouldn't be much assured by that.

 

Guarantees of any sort in any relationship are often (statistically speaking) a Huge Crock of Shit (TM), so I fail to see the point you're making here. Not trying to troll.

I feel like this should be preposterous... and yet it's 2013 and apparently this sort of thing is what it is needed to resurrect relationships where one partner's crotch tingling is more important than the other partner's feelings.

Whatever happened to breaking up with the dead fish so you could find the fuck machine minx? Do we not do that anymore? Do we have the practical wife and the fun mistress?

Man, I totally didn't get the memo. I've brought it up before with my current girlfriend and she's just not buying it.

 

The point I am making is that his wife is crying in bed worried that he is going to fall in love with her and he is 'assuring' her that it will NEVER happen. Yes, it is quite possibly a huge crock of shit. Not sure why that is an invalid point to make. It's a little more significant than promising to take out the garbage or stop buying Starbucks.

 

Sorry for being vague.

I was referring to promises as related to martial fidelity given the divorce rate and the fact that there seems to be an endless supply of forum-goers that sign on for the sole reason of bitching about not getting laid by their SO of thirteen years.

 

Maybe I'm just tired or you are making a vague point.

Are you saying that whether he leaves her because they are not having sex or because he has fallen in love with another woman he is having sex with makes no difference? That it's sort of a gamble for her?
--- merged: Mar 26, 2013 3:45 AM ---
And, to me, lying in bed with your crying wife the night before you go fuck another woman and assuring her everything is going to be ok is a little different than a marriage vow, in both practical and romantic terms.
--- merged: Mar 26, 2013 3:48 AM ---
Sounds to me like this is the story of a woman who is afraid and doesn't know what else to do. Sorry if I don't get all 'way to go' about it.

 

Yeah, I'm way tired, too. I should probably stop pounding Diet Coke and TFPing. And I'm totally not "Way to go!" about any of this because it sounds horrible. It stings a little that you'd think that of me; even I've got me some scruples.

Yeah, basically. I think.

She's already opened the puzzle box by allowing him to go out and tag strange. Hall pass or whatever. She has no idea who/what/how he's doing what he's doing, y'know? Did she set the ground rules? No. I mean, is there any real accountability here?

Thread title should be: "I Didn't Cheat Because I Bullied My Dead Fish Wife Into Letting Me Tag Skanks Off OkCupid.com!"

Yeehaw.

 

It wasn't directed at you. More at a general impression I had of the tone of this thread. But like I said, I am tired and the op depressed me. I could have it wrong.

 

I've been up on my polyamoury discourse and one huge pitfall of "the lifestyle" (quotation marks because it is actually a plurality of modes) is that partners just go along with things, not really expressing what they really want, and of course this all comes to a head at some point.

Folks. Don't let your loved ones "go along" with things. And don't "go along" with things. Go for the uncomfortable honesty.

 

Color me confused: If you're not exclusive and your partners know that you're fucking other people, how does that at all relate to a married guy boning new women after basically bullying his wife with his raging sex drive?

I must be lost in all this ballsack-scented new age sex terminology soup. See that spell check abortion that is definition #4, for example.

/needs a dry erase board to keep track of dicks and pussies in each "relationship" cluster

 

Because the married guy is now in a non-exclusive relationship where his partner knows he is fucking another person. And if he is bullying her that is exactly what I said should not happen.

I'm not sure I understand your question. Your answer seem to be in your question.

Also I had 3 pints tonight and I'm 5'5''

 

Nevermind. I'm tired as fuck. Silly self-serving titles aside, we both agree that this situation is All Bad (TM) because the OP--the married guy excitedly laying pipe in new girls--makes it sound like his wife just got hit by a flashbang.

Yeah. That.

Aren't you supposed to use the metric system?

 

We go both ways in Canada.

I agree. If I was about to open my marriage, I know I could never truthfully assure my wife of this. Relationships, especially one with sex in them, are inherently messy.

This sounds like a relationship disaster in the making.

 

I agree. And if my husband found me crying in bed because he was going to fuck another woman and, instead of putting a hold on things until we were both sure this is what we wanted, he hugged me, gave me some silly platitude and went ahead and fucked her anyway...I'd dropkick his ass pretty fast. It's both self-indulgent and irresponsible. Unfortunately, she probably just feels trapped. And then he comes here like he's the Mahatma fucking Gandhi of adultery. Bullshit. The whole thing reeks.

 

I think that most of us agree that the fuse has been lit and that it's just a matter of time before the bomb goes off. I can't get past the lying next to a crying wife and trying to sooth her through something like this. That seems like a *HUGE FLASHING SIGN* that things are NOT all right. And surely Fiddlebone could have waited another couple of days/weeks/months to pop his load if he values his marriage.

But that's me, and I'm open about being an asshole.

 

I don't even know where to start on this disaster in the making. I have to say I'm still confused by this whole scenario. You say this has saved your marriage yet you've put a limit on yourself regarding how often you bang your side filly and you make assurances to your wife and basically ignore the obvious emotional wreckage you're causing.

I'm not going to go into my experiences but I will say that if one person is not fully on board in this situation or any type of "open" relationship, the toxic feelings will eventually come to the surface. Get a clue - for real. Your wife isn't banging you again because she thinks it's sexy that you're good enough to attract another woman. She isn't doing it to mark her territory. She isn't doing it because she's suddenly passionate about it. She's doing it to try and steer you back to her and her alone. The fact that you have to constantly reassure her, console her and then fucking bribe her with her favorite restaurant etc. should send signals to your brain that maybe, just maybe, you're using her emotional responses to get your own way just so you can wet your dick every couple months or so. If you think she's dumb enough to believe that, then you're an even bigger idiot.

Point blank, if you have to make fair compromises regarding multiple partners, then she isn't down with it. There is a huge difference between setting boundaries in an open marriage and making compromises with one partner sitting on the sidelines.

the_jazz is an asshole, for true, but in this situation, OP - you take the cake (and obviously devour it with glee).