Tilted Weaponry: Shrine of the Mall Ninja

Although Tilted Weaponry has approximately 2.8 contributors and they've all likely read this before, I'm going to post this absolute gem of super-tactical comedy because it's something we can all appreciate as adults who can smell a hot mess of bullshit a mile away. You don't have to know all the obscure brand references / military lingo to appreciate it but if you're part of the crowd that can translate this, it's absolute pants-shitting gold. Gecko45 is the single best thing to happen to gun forums... ever.

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Strap on your thigh rig holster, zip up your Blackhawk! assault vest and take a deep breath as you enter...

Shrine of the Mall Ninja​

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Warning: Do not read the above if you have a heart condition. Do not read the above while eating or drinking. Do not read the above if you are pregnant or could be pregnant. Call a doctor immediately if you feel dizzy or faint.

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Questions:

Do you know any hardcore mall ninjas? What's the most mall ninja thing you've owned? What's the most mall ninja thing you've ever done?

I know mall ninjas. I think KirStang might be my favorite because he's actually in the military and will soon own both an AUG and a Tavor.

I'd have to say the most mall ninja thing I've ever owned is a toss up between the Kel-Tec Sub2000 and a 10-round mag extension for a Remington 870.

The most mall ninja thing I've ever done is open carry. There is nothing less manly than being asked to leave a big box store because most people don't know the law.

Further Discussion:

Use this thread to discuss mall ninjas, report their sightings and generally post wacky weaponry-related links.

Go!

 

Sweet! That's all I can say for now.

 

I lugged around a leatherman wave as part of my EDC for like a month until I realized I never used it. But hey, nutnfancy said I need to carry a multi-tool around at all times in case urban strife breaks out !!!

 

I assume you now carry a smaller one. Or perhaps a Swiss Army Knife because they're so old school... and because OJ Simpson butchered two people with one. Impressive product.

I'm surprised you didn't comment on the rescuing of anal virginity, ChrisJericho. Don't white guys get buttraped by roving Asian gangs in those giant malls in the NW all the time?

That and I'm waiting for KirStang to chime in about what kind of body armor setup is needed to stop multiple .338 Lapua rounds aimed at the shoulder blades. Serious threat-age.

 

I've had a small victorinox midnight manager on my keychain for like 10 years. The main things that come in handy on it are the scissors and the pen and bottle opener in the summer for opening beer bottles. It does pretty much everything the huge leatherman did, but I'm sure I'll wish I had the leatherman on me when I get rounded up and sent off to a FEMA deathcamp. Escaping the perimeter fences might be pretty difficult and I'll probably wish I had the wire cutting ability that the leatherman provides.

 

Oh, man... I nearly lost my beverage over that one.

I love how you think FEMA is organized enough to form deathcamps when they can't even get bottled water to the toilet that was Nawlins back when Katrina hit and the subspecies critters were rapin' and killin' each other in the ThunderSuperdome.

You're a funny guy. I like that.

 

Never underestimate your enemy. If they are organized enough to do chem-trails laced with carcinogens to depopulate the earth they are certainly organized enough for the death camps. Because if there's one thing we know about the NWO-elites, is that they really want less people around to grow food for them, mow their lawns, and serve them in restaurants. The NWO-elites hate this current paradigm of always being served and catered to. With less people around they could finally clean their own gutters !

 

OMFG:

Mall Ninja Gear - AR-15 SBR Magwell Battle Belt Holster:


Mall Ninja Action - Funny, I never saw them do this when I went there:

 

What the fuck? The guy keeps looking down when he reholsters. How high drag.

 

Jesus. I watched the first clip like 5 times because I was completely dumbfounded as to why someone would want to mount a rifle on their belt. Oh wait I forgot, it's because 2 point slings are so anti-tactical now. So we need a solution to a problem that doesn't exist.

Oh yeah and I fucking hate thigh rigs. If I had two wishes in the world I would wish for A)All spiders everywhere dieing and B)Thigh rigs being declared an assault weapon and banned from further production. And anyone with a thigh rig in their possession must perform a self-circumcision with a rusty spoon even if they've already had one.

 

I lost it at: "double samples of fruitcake and cheeselog"

tx. fab read. ♥

 

Most Mall Ninja thing I've ever done? Brought a Grippod to BRM.

 

Don't you be wearing no kneepads on the range, either. Or anything that resembles a comfort item like a neck gaiter.

 

Mall Ninja Gear - Anudder Dumbass Pistol-on-yer-Carbine Clamp:


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Relevant:

The Firing Line - You might be a mall ninja if...

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Definitely:

 

The best part is that Gecko45 was originally intended to be a throwaway troll account but caught on because gun forum members tend to be about as smart as a bag of hammers.

 

There is a fine line between trolling and fantastic storytelling, my friend.

I mean, c'mon... it's a goddamn masterpiece.

 

Sweet, I always hated how holsters covered up the trigger guard of my sidearm. This device finally solves that problem !

 

This device creates problems looking for a solution. Pure genius, I say.

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Relevant:

The High Road - Concealed Carry at a Nudist Camp

...because the other people could be packing... what?

 

Duct taping a gun between the rolls on his belly. Excellent.

I have a confession. Every few weeks or so I contemplate packing a CAT tourniquet and quiklot combat gauze in my jacket pockets and having it with me as part of my EDC. CUZ YA NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU'LL NEED IT !!!

But I've managed to stop myself... so far.

 

View: http://youtu.be/xQe925DK6d8


I'm holding out until they come out with 'Skoal Xtreme SOCOM Tacitcal' version that will accommodate a mouthful of dip.