Should I cheat on my wife?

And my point: Repackaging your "sins" in politically-correct new age swinger terminology makes it okay. Gotcha.

"Cheating" is a shitty way to describe infidelity in the first place. And "sex outside marriage" is way too nebulous.

Yes, I'm over-thinking all this. And I'm going to drag your snooty white ass in with me. Escape! Flee while you can.

 

I will grammar-bitch-slap anyone these days. I was pointing out the OP's inherent knowledge of the answer to his own question by his choice of words. Annnnnd.... I'm done. G'night, Gracie, my snooty white ass has to get up at 5:30 tomorrow morning... for the first time in over a month. I grow tired of this debate.

 

I'm not still mad at you for cheating on me during your recent 'sabbatical', if that's what this is about.

 

It's because we had that this-is-happening my-hand-on-your-hand heart to heart where I explained in no uncertain terms that I wanted--no, needed--to experience satiating carnal pleasures outside our Adam & Steve partner pledge. We decided a long time ago that the... life... we've built together, the beautiful Tudor we share, our sweet-but-retarded dog, Buddy McSpoonerton, and that shiny new teal Subaru Outback is worth keeping even if it means a little emotional butthurt (teehee!) is to be endured. What's 10 minutes of fucking for 10 years of housekeeping, don't ya know?

...

 

But... But... But, they don't kiss on the mouth!

 

I really hella extra love the TFP sometimes.

As everyone here has excellently said, the answer to the question "Should I cheat on my wife?" not only is no, but even more, is the return question, "How can you better communicate with your spouse."

Because this cannot stand.

A couple can survive some differences in their sex preferences, with real love and effective communication and compromise. But being married to someone who legitimately only desires sex annually, if that, is simply not tenable for the vast majority of the population. So good communication is necessary to determine what are the motivations for this extreme undersexuality, what can be done to ameliorate the circumstances, and what real future this relationship has.

I emphasize the former of the three areas of exploration because I have encountered very few people who simply happen to naturally have such a low sex drive that they can only be bothered to have sex once a year or so, and whose tastes just randomly happen to fall in the narrowest possible definition of "vanilla." While there are any number of personality and environmental quirks that can make a person's sexual tastes vanilla, in my experience, "extremely low sex drive" is very seldom a natural phenomenon. In my experience, it usually means one of two things: significant unresolved psychoemotional issues or psychosexual trauma in the past affecting enjoyment of sexual intimacy; or the fact that the individual actually does have a more normal level of sexual drive, but is sexually uninterested in their partner, and does not wish to reveal that fact. So your wife's undersexuality could stem from three things: the first and least likely (IMO) is that this is simply how she happens to naturally be. If this is the case, there is very little likelihood that she could change, and still less that she will feel inclined to try doing so. The second, and (I would guess) most likely would be that she is being blocked by unresolved issues. And if this is the case, while she may initially be resistant to confronting and working on those issues, it would behoove you to not only open communication about this, but support and encourage her process of inner work-- not only because that is good partnering, but because the likelihood is high that if she can make progress on these issues, your sex life would dramatically improve. And the third possibility is that her sex drive is fine, but she just doesn't feel sexual chemistry with you-- maybe she never did and was faking it, maybe she did and it diminished and vanished, maybe some combination of the two. And if this is the case, she probably didn't want to tell you because she didn't want to hurt you, and because she may feel guilty for having prolonged the relationship for an extended period once she knew she no longer felt sexually attracted to you.

If the first or the last case is true, I do not believe there is any way to salvage the relationship. If either of these situations proves to be true, I think you should honestly and maturely end the relationship, and move on. Which I know is a huge thing, especially after being married for so long. I don't mean to minimize it. But a successful marriage (in 99.99% of people) cannot be sustained without a mutually satisfactory sex life. You are not happy. You already know you're not happy about this, and the sex problem is clearly beginning to affect your feelings about the relationship as a whole. She's probably also not happy, and to the extent she might be happy, she'll be less so once she is confronted with your unhappiness and dissatisfaction. Unless this can be resolved (which I would guess means the root cause is the second above situation), this relationship is becoming increasingly unhealthy for you both with every passing day.

The fourth option, not stated above, is the Left Field Surprise option: the problem could be you. Now, as you describe the relationship and yourself in the OP, I don't see a problem. And my guess is that means that, if the problem is you, it is something you are unaware of in yourself. My instinct says this is not the case, but I could well be wrong. So if and when you open communication, you should probably also try to be prepared for the remote possibility that it's not just her who could have issues to work on. And if she makes such a claim, you need to be open to honest self-evaluating, determining if what she says could potentially be valid, and being willing to work on yourself if her claim could be valid. Again, my instincts say this is unlikely to be the case. But one should be open to all possibilities.

Realizing that what you do next may decide the fate of your marriage sucks. There is no way that this is going to be fun or comfortable. But I think you need to open serious communication, you need to be honest. Tell her frankly, but compassionately, how you feel, and what this is doing to you, including your feeling like you need to hide your masturbation from her. Be prepared to hear her out, to be sensitive to what she says and what she doesn't say: it can be difficult to be open and resolute without being confrontational and blaming. But she needs to hear that while you love her, and you are deeply interested in saving the relationship, this is not working for you, and things have got to change for you. If she is interested in working on this, and potentially trying to work on her own issues and grow toward you, you are committed to being patient and supportive. But if she's not interested in working on this, and in working on herself, then she needs to let you know, so that you guys can bring this relationship to a mutually respectful and honest close.

 

I think you should tell your wife that you have now gone to a group of friends in the hope that they would say "No, it's alright under the circumstances. Go ahead."

But, they didn't.

1. Tell her you are seriously thinking about finding a fuck buddy.

2. Tell her you understand she is opposed. But if she is not willing to be intimate, then you and she have to go to counseling. Together. Because you don't understand the issue and you both need a safe and neutral environment to start talking through it.

3. Understand that counseling is NOT being supportive while the other person fixes what's wrong with her/him. There may be a reason for her behavior, and you may not like it. But you better be prepared to hear it.

 

I'm going to go out on a limb here. You've been married 12 years, you say you are still young. You don't mention kids, so I'm assuming there are none. I also assume she is aware of your sexual frustration, even if you aren't in-her-face about it.

In a relationship, sex is pleasure, communication, and power. In a healthy relationship, it is always negotiated to best fit both parties needs; one partner gives a little more, the other takes a little less. She is being incredibly selfish, and you are not taking her to task. You recognise the selfishness, and are trying to get approval to "mitigate" the physical aspect of the issue without dealing with the plain fact that this is a near-poisonous relationship for you. Were it not, you wouldn't be asking if you should cheat. Yes, we all have fantasies of other partners, it's normal and even healthy. When the relationship is healthy, we don't actually consider moving outside like that (except where it's sanctioned by the other partner).

You need to tell her just HOW damaging this is to the relationship. Seriously thinking about meeting your sexual needs outside the relationship is a first step on a downhill slide to ending things. You need to tell her that this is a deal-breaker, and if there is no give on it, that it will destroy your marriage. If not now, soon. If she can't see that, then I honestly think it's time for you to move on.

 

Cheating is a bad idea. The guilt would probably eat away at you and hurt her, once she found out ( she probably would ).

Let her know it's that important to you, and a deal breaker. You will not remain happy with her, if you are not getting what you need from her. It's better to dissolve the marriage and move on, than stick around and feel hurt and angry about what you are not getting.

 

As has been mentioned, there's a big difference between "cheating" and "sex outside of marriage". One is honest, the other isn't.

And, as I've apparently already said in this thread despite this being my first post, communication is both the difference and the key.

This is not "a conversation". It is an ongoing discussion between two equals. That said, if you're married to someone who has a much lower sex drive than you, that's a big problem. You're not alone in your issue, but it's something that the two of you have to work out. As I see it, you have 4 options - 1) she can change, 2) she can give you permission to have sex with others, 3) you can get divorced or 4) status quo. If you're posting here, I'll go out on a limb and say that #4 isn't your preferred option, although #3 may be even less desirable.

As others have pointed out, she may have a physical problem that's undiagnosed. Both of you need to realize that. But if that's ruled out, then that's where things are tricky. If you two want to stay married but you want to have sex and she doesn't, then something's got to give. One of you has to change something. I know from experience that it's a difficult and treacherous discussion, but in the end it could make both of you happier.

 

"Maybe counseling"
yes. do that first.

 

Oh, I don't disagree Snow. I'm just old and crotchety so I tend to be direct and put it all out there, while trying not to be an asshole about it.

 

Or maybe go to Vegas 3 times a year and visit a legal brothel. Tell her that's your only legal recourse.

 

That's still cheating


Go to counseling. Both of you. In the meantime masturbate until counseling provides an answer.

 

Well, I had a nice long talk with her last night. I laid it all out on the table, but of course it's nothing I haven't told her before. All she can say is "I know." I ask her if it's me. She says it's not, she just doesn't have any desire anymore. I tell her I still do, and that more than anything I want HER, but if she's not willing to be there for me I asked her to consider allowing me to see other women. She was less dismissive this time, but I could tell she still didn't take the idea seriously. She made allusions to the me "bringing some disease home", which we both know is ludicrous as she is well aware she is the only woman I have ever had unprotected sex with.

I brought up the idea of marriage counseling and she said she'd think about it.

Right about now, that's about all I can hope for. I have been very patient with her for a very long time and I will keep it up. I love her very much. Thank you all for your support and advice.