Should I cheat on my wife?

I've been married to a woman for 12 years. I am still very much in love with her. However, she has entirely lost her desire for any form of sex. We have gone from weekly sessions (she never had much of a libido, even when we were in our early 20's) to monthly, to now about once a year. We are not old and I am not ready to stop having sex.

So I masturbate a lot, and I have to do it furtively. She would be grossed out if she knew I was pleasuring myself. She must realize I have to "take care of business" but I go to great lengths so she never has to be confronted with it. I don't want secret wanking to be my only sexual outlet for the rest of my life.

In all other aspects of my life my partner is ideal. She is smart, funny, and we have great fun together everywhere but the bedroom.

I have asked her several times if we might consider an "open marriage" wherein I would be allowed to have sex on the side. She has ruled this out entirely. I feel like this is extremely selfish of her. I don't want to leave her, but I'm running out of ideas.

 

First, welcome to The Tilted Forum Project. Good to see new faces here.

The TFP is huge on the whole communication-with-your-partner thing and I've gotta agree in this case. If you've been with this woman--your otherwise perfect partner--for over a decade and can't summon up the balls to tell her you have needs that she isn't providing for... well, that's you failing to raise the Shit Just Got Real (TM) flag. I'm not going to poop out some fake statistics to dazzle you but word on the street is that sexual compatibility is one of the three big reasons marriages go south after x number of years (money and family/job/hobby balance are the other two).

The need for sex? Oh, I hear that, brother. Check it: I've been with the same woman for a hot minute now and I've had to coach her on the fact that I need her to provide some ambush blowjobs and other kinky carnal antics lest I take my business elsewhere. It's never easy telling your partner that you're unhappy with something in an otherwise gnarly relationship but that's being an adult for ya. Take that first step. Let her know you're serious.

 

Would it be better to leave her? I don't want to. I don't want a relationship with any other woman. I just need physical intimacy. We don't only refrain from sex; we rarely cuddle, kiss, hug, or even have physical contact. It's maddening.

 

You asked, she answered. If you do it, you might as well hand over 50% of your shit and move out.

Basically, your wife has decided for you that you don't deserve a sex life. This woman loves you? I have friends who are smart, funny and I have a great time with them everywhere but in the bedroom. I'm not married to them.

 

Depends on how important this is to you. I really wish my girl was into punk music and horror movies... she's not. Dealbreaker? I decided it wasn't.

Sex, however, is a big deal. She's your BFF but not doing the FWB part and you're left with a throbbing cock in your hand. What's your priority?

Hold on... let's examine how he went about asking. Every guy on the board has joked about a threesome at some point with his wife, amirite?

People in long term relationships are experts in way-too-subtle nagging. I know you know what I'm talking about. If you're not sitting on the couch with the TeeVee off and making solid eye contact, all bets are off as far as the other person understanding that you're no-shit serious about whatever topic you're talking about. I'm pretty sure my last major relationship communication I-heard-it-but-I-wasn't-listening fuck-up was basically dispensed while I posted snarky comments to Willravel. "I'm fucking my exboyfriend." "Hey, that's great, honey. Hah! Man, this Will dude is a riot."

 

I have to go with the "you might as well move out if you are going to go through with that thinking" line of thought. Once you start on that path you are headed for nowhere good for your marriage, and making that kind of connection with another woman is just asking begging for all kind of messy complications in your life.

 

Nope. Don't do it. You'll only feel dirty and keep on thinking how this other girl you just fucked smells so different from what you're used to.

Or you can give it a try. I'd probably try to talk to the wife to hammer home how important sex is to you, though.

 

...but that's the best part.

Consenting adults are fully capable of engaging in hot-hot fuck action and then going their separate ways.

I've done it. I'm sure many men and women on this board have had similar experiences.

So that's not the problem here. The issue is, as always, communication.

 

This is what paid sex is for.

 

The impression I got from the way it was stated:
"I have asked her several times if we might consider an "open marriage" wherein I would be allowed to have sex on the side. She has ruled this out entirely,"
is that the discussion was seriously undertaken. If "she laughed it off" or "didn't care for the idea," then maybe low level communication. "Ruled this out entirely" sounds rather stern and determined.

 

Yeah, yeah, yeah... your normal person logic doesn't phase me. This is TFP. I assume everybody here talks like Bodkin van Horn.

I was hoping Fiddlebone would read said commentary and go into further detail about how exactly he communicated this problem.

Have we ever had a case where someone posted a communication problem here that was a legit cut-'n-dry I-want-this-but-you-don't?

I can't recall one.​

 

Normal? Nicest thing said about me all day!

 

Well, I was trying to be serious. I do apologize. I'll get back to the ChrisJericho-suggests-surprise-sodomy jokes.

...

Challenge and Confirm, that's the name of the game here at The TFP, folks. We CAN handle the ugly truth.

 

Cheating is just wrong, communicate with your wife.
Only hurt and mistrust comes to the wife from a cheating man.

 

Just the fact that you use the phrase "Should I cheat on my wife" rather than "Should I seek sex outside my marriage" or something similar kinda tells me you already know the answer. I feel for your situation, but you're going to have to talk or walk, in my opinion.

 

Communication is the key to any relationship. Sex is a plus, not a must. I fully understand not having alot of sex, trust me, but even if i only had sex once a year im not sure i would give up on it. Cheating is not morally right.
Like everybody else has said, have you talked to her???
This coming from a man who has been married for 13 years.

 

...but... if that... then it... okay, so why do we call it cheating, again?

 

Some people don't. But the one's that use "cheat" already think it's wrong, amoral, a sin, whatever.
Those who ask a bunch of random people "hey, man, what do you think about looking for sex outside a marriage?" aren't assigning a negative context to the situation already.

 

No. You shouldn't. There, that was easy, wasn't it?


Seriously, though, what everyone else is saying. Communication is key. Maybe counseling. And if that STILL doesn't help, you're going to have to decide if this is a dealbreaker...and if it is, it's time to go.