Forever single...

I was with my husband eighteen months before we married, he was fun to be with, a gentleman and I loved him. He changed the day we got married, he became moody, possessive and a knob.
I stuck it out for twenty years only because we had children and because I had sort of made my own life with him on the peripherals. I could cope this way.
I have recently escaped this and will NEVER EVER get married again.
I would NEVER live with another man either.
But I have also struggled with the online dating thing, It's so faceless and cold. I need to trust someone with my emotions before I can commit, even with just dating. But dating doesn't seem to have that tick box, so I am confused at present and quite lonely, even though I have a friend with benefits.
He is not my forever guy and we both know this, but he treats me well when we are together and he is learning to be more communicative when we are apart.
I think I will be single for the rest of my life but I also want to mean something to someone.
I am one confused girl.
Do what feels right for you, if it doesn't feel right it's not meant to be.

 

Thanks for all your feedback, everybody! Definitely some good insight in some of these posts.

I do have to comment on Xerxes post however...

I think you misunderstood my point - I am a very forgiving person and I have realistic expectations for what I look for in a mate and yes, I will compromise on certain things - however there are other standards I won't compromise on which include:

-Not being able to hold down a steady job
-Being addicted to drugs (other than pot) and alcohol
-Having children from a previous marriage - this is a tough one, I know
-Having a shit ton of debt from frivolous spending habits (NOTE: student loans, mortgage, etc. I am okay with)
-Being a smoker
-Being a hardcore Christian fundamentalist who judges every person they see

This is more what I am talking about - not silly stuff like height/weight, race, cultural or food preferences, etc. That is just nit-picking and I didn't mean to come across that way. I have a good head on my shoulders and I know what I can live with and what I can't. Maybe you're right, since I won't compromise on these things, I will be forever single and if that's the case I am thankful for this!

 

-Not being able to hold down a steady job -- totally agree, I carried his heavy ass for years. feels great now I'm just carrying my own heavy ass.

-Being addicted to drugs (other than pot) and alcohol, He was an alcoholic who had an affair with the pub.

-Having children from a previous marriage - this is a tough one, I know. My ex was married and divorced before I met him, at eighteen I would have run if he had kids.

-Having a shit ton of debt from frivolous spending habits (NOTE: student loans, mortgage, etc. I am okay with) I bailed him out three times to the tune of nearly £60,000 over the length of our marriage. The last time nearly cost me and the kids our home.

-Being a smoker. I am a smoker but generally a nice person, but I can respect your views on this as I wouldn't date a non smoker.

-Being a hardcore Christian fundamentalist who judges every person they see. ..........hell no.

I dont see why you have to compromise on these, I did and look at the shit storm I ended up dealing with.
(also I can't get this stupid italic thing to stop italicing things)

 

Don't fret about Glory's Sun. You made some good points.

 

I have to say though, you should review this one. Any form of addiction is bad. I drink recreationally but I have never "needed a drink" after a long day or something like that.

I DO have an addiction that I would rather keep private but just so you know, any form addiction WILL become debilitating at some point in time. Be it video games, or drugs (like pot, which is illegal in the US), or even alcohol will eventually take it's toll on you.

Addiction is the number one deal breaker for any interaction with me.

 

I sort of paused on this sentence too, but I assumed given the context of the rest of Plummie 's list that it would be better worded as 'no drug use other than moderate alcohol or marijuana'. I could be incorrect tho'.

 

you're in your early thirties, and the selection pool is dimishing fast. Guys are getting ready to settle in their mid to late thirties. If they are single, many have kids from previous relationships, or they're in committed relationships right now.

So that leaves you with the small window of opportunity looking for a guy in his late thirties or early forties who is single and with no kids. Its not unheard of, but it becomes much harder once you set your other filters. Im not saying you should lower your standards, but you need to be realistic that it may take a while longer yet to find that guy.

i had similar filters when i was 18. im not sure if i would have all of them if i was in the selection pool now.

and for the record..Glory is never right.

 

This is a big problem in my relationship right now. It is so destructive and monsters appear out of nowhere.

 

I have been through the wringer with one dissatisfying marriage and one disastrous one. And a third non-marriage relationship that ended very badly. But I'm not giving up hope. I feel this confidence in my heart, even at 47, that one day I will pair up with someone with whom I share the impression that we have finally found that person who 'hung the moon' as it goes.

And there's nothing wrong with having standards. That's why we go through these shit upheavals of love and loss. So we can learn from them. Learn what our needs and limitations are...and learn the parameters of a reasonable compromise.

I think it's important that you recognize that your life is good and satisfying without a partner. It belies a sense of strength and independence. I feel that way, too...now. It took me a little flailing and meandering to figure that out but one morning I realized that I'm not afraid of living the rest of my life without a man because I'm so thankful that I have the life, friends and family that I do have. To want more seems almost incredibly selfish. So I just do the things I do every day and don't think about it much in any concrete sense.

It is always best, of course, to invest your love and find happiness in that which is real and in front of you. It makes me happy just thinking about that.

 

This is why masturbation is so satisfying.
It's sex with the one you truly love best.

 

maybe landmining too, but that is a good post.

Is this actually true? I mean, one can have very little self esteem and so on but still be committed to a person...

 

rogue49 reminded me of the biggest deal breaker that I would never compromise on under any circumstance

wearing yankees gear.

that's about as gross as sucking toes.

 

/looking for ignoreyankeesfans button

 

Thanks for the great post, rogue!!

 

Plummie..your a Yankee fan!?! well, I won't hold that against you. LOL

Just kidding, the Yankees are doing great this year. not as great as My Rangers. But good. at least your not a fan of the dreaded A's. who beat us in the last two games.

 

OUCH. That struck a chord with me.

My list is MUCH longer. If you're wearing gear from any of the following teams, I hate you automatically:

Yankees
Cardinals
Marshall
Ohio University
University of Oregon, but only if you're Borla (95% of my Oregon rugby family is made up of U of O Alumni)
Lakers
Heat
49ers
Patriots
Ravens
ANYTHING Pittsburgh, i.e. Penguins, Pirates and ESPECIALLY Steelers.

 

Hmm.. I have zero gear from any of those teams.

How YOU doin?